The Criminal History of a Very Religious Guy (Part One)

The Criminal History of a Very Religious Guy

 

-By Paulette La Couette, Deputy Assistant to Sister Rose Immaculate-

 

Bobby was remanded to the infernal regions after his conviction for kidnapping and depraved abuse of a divine creation in the case of garden butterfly Myrina Gabrielle. His trial (streamed live, with over 1.4 billion “likes” on VerminProbe.com) took on special notoriety because of the rank stupidity of the crime and the direct involvement of major supernatural forces in bringing the offender to justice. Also, Bobby proved to be a charismatic figure who was not without devoted supporters. Indeed, a full legion of fanatic murder hornets sought to derail the proceedings on the basis that Bobby should not have been created in the first place. But the granting of an immediate state of nothingness was not in the offing. The poet cited the case of Osowski versus Timmy the Cannibal in which it was forever established that criminally insane fictional characters are to be held responsible for their actions, despite their inability to make independent decisions. The Gardener concurred, and the trial proceeded without further reflection.

 

-P-

 

Bobby’s criminal record includes arrests for murder (36 counts), rape (104 counts), extortion (508 counts), mayhem (740 counts), robbery (11,238 counts), fraud (78,106 counts), impersonating an angel (one count), and acts of extreme existential malice (ad infinitum). Surprisingly, his rap sheet is devoid of drug-related offenses.

 

 It should be noted that in court and under oath, Bobby was asked no less than 1,100 times to say he was sorry for his crimes. He said, "No way, b***h," each time. He was also asked more than 2,000 times if he understood the gravity of his situation and the consequences of his refusal to say he was sorry, and each time he said, "Not really, b***h.” At length, he was asked more than 100,000 times if he understood that his fate was in the hands of Providence, to which he said: "Maybe, maybe not, b***h," each time. He pled nolo contendere to all charges and asked his court-appointed attorney several times for a cigarette during the proceedings.

 

Though infamous for his use of narcotics, especially during the commission of his crimes, Bobby is believed to have never profited in the sale of illegal drugs. His younger sister (Marie “Cupcake” Casanova) died of a chronic nose infection after snorting a popular roach pesticide while a junior in high school, and Bobby developed a pathological hatred for the “weak nobodies” he believed to be responsible for her death. However, that animus did not carry over to his dealings with those who trafficked in large wholesale quantities of drugs, as Bobby maintained diligent respect for those who were financially successful in the lowlife world.

 

-P-

 

-Considerations-

 

Item: The “Danny Dolo” Bobby refers to in his statement is, in fact, the wraith-like spirit of Enrico Dandolo, a medieval Venetian doge who led a crusading army in the sack of Constantinople.^[1] Bobby's heavy drug use and a lifetime of criminal depravity have resulted in a pathological confusion about the identity of others and an inability to recognize exactly who he is talking to in virtually all situations. For example, Bobby consistently confuses Beelzebub (the devil) with Conqueror Worm (death) throughout the text.

 

Item:  Bobby is a depraved confetti bee and not a common fluke. He is not an atheist, nor has he ever claimed to be one. He regularly attended mass in Ruins Hill, although confession seems not to have been a regular part of his rituals. Nevertheless, he is a devout believer in spooks and fairy Godmothers, and he has on numerous occasions prayed for their assistance before, during, and after the commission of his crimes. But he views the Almighty as only a kind of lucky charm that may or may not be useful in a given situation. Of his religious faith, Bobby once remarked, "But, seriously, I'm a very religious guy; and to tell you the truth, I've never met a worm-maker who didn’t hang some pretty nice religious jewelry around his crazy neck."

Item:  Bobby refuses to acknowledge that a lowlife’s abundance of bravado is roughly equal to the resentment he harbors toward death. He admits that everything is personal to a worm-maker but fails to mention his disdain for the Nothingness. He eschews discussion of this reality even though he clearly recognizes, that to a lowlife, all things that exist in the physical world are personal, and anything personal is better than nothing. His reticence to broach the subject underscores the primary reason for his being summarily condemned - Although he does not fear the dying process, he resents the idea of being dead, and therefore outside the action.

 

It should be remembered that Bobby regards life as a paradox in which his physical existence has a seminal resonance, while Creation has no meaning at all. He is the epitome of nihilistic self-pity because he views even his most despicable deeds, not as wrongs done to others, but as the practical activities of one who seeks to prosper in a perilous, and completely meaningless physical reality. Without exception, lowlifes like Bobby mistake the privilege of managing a personal universe for a short-term opportunity to bash in the heads of those they believe to be weak.

 

-P-

 

-Of Equal Significance-

 

Bobby mistakenly believes himself to be free.

Nothing could be further from the truth!

 

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Bobby is forbidden to leave hell, and he is restricted to that region for as long as he chooses to be obstinate. He may, however, spend time in the Empty Place during lunch breaks or in lieu of occupational therapy. He is required to use narcotics, and he is forbidden to communicate privately with anyone who is not in hell. Also, Bobby is not allowed freedom of thought, as he is limited to thinking only things that he believes he is capable of thinking. This stricture is not new to him, as he imposed it on himself years ago and has never thought to revisit his decision.

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[1] Venice funded the Fourth Crusade, supplying transportation and money to the Crusaders who thus became its debtors. Its ambitious, (and, to Paris, criminally insane) leader was ninety years old and blind at the time of Constantinople’s sacking.