A Week in the Life of a Used Car Salesman

The only reason I actually wrote this was to blow off some steam. It is not written to be professional or correct by any means. This is the story of what it's like to be a used car salesman.

A Week in the Life of a Used Car Salesman

A short story and rant written by Trevor C. W.

 

            Has it ever crossed your mind of what it would be like to be a used car salesman? Maybe you’ve always had an interest in cars or business? Perhaps you’re considering this as a potential career path? Or maybe you just have serious problems with daydreaming and wonder about stupid s**t like this. Well, let me just give you an idea of what it’s like. It’s s****y. No, it’s honestly really, really s****y. I hate my job. And I know there are tons of you out there that hate your jobs as well, but unless you’ve ever been in the business of sales, you probably don’t hate your job as much as I do. Let me just give you an example of how an average week might go for me.

                  To set the scene, it’s the beginning of the commission week and time to get to work. For my particular dealership, this is every Thursday. That means that you’ve started a fresh week with zero sales and now it’s up to you to turn that around. I should mention how we get paid so that you understand what I put up with and how I get compensated for my time. Most car sales jobs will pay you roughly 20% of the gross profit made on every sale. This is your commission. I also get a small salary so that they can legally say that they pay me and that I am, in fact, an employed human being. Assuming I have a bad week and don’t make any sales, I will receive a check for $250. Keep in mind that this is for 40 hours of being at work. That’s $6.25 per hour, less than the minimum wage in my state. Let’s say I do make at least one sale. At this point, I am paid my 20% commission with an added bonus of $150 as salary. The only reason I get $250 on a week with no sales is so that I can actually increase my chances of budgeting enough money to cover my expenses and maintain being alive. I would say that on a decent, average week, I would probably sell 2-4 cars. This would put my paycheck around the $400-500 range. Sure, sometimes it’s more and sometimes it’s less, but this is what I see the most of.

                  All right, I’ll continue now that you understand how I’m paid. So it’s Thursday and you probably don’t have any deals working. If you don’t, you have already fucked up. Your boss is going to ask what you have going on and you have to tell him that you’re literally just sitting in your office doing nothing. That’s how he will perceive it, at least. So now you’re waiting for what you know is coming next. On a good day, this is a disappointed look on your sales manager’s face and maybe even a comment under his breath about how you’re not doing your job correctly and how lazy you are. This is good, you can move on from this awkward moment and forget about it. On a bad day, you’re definitely guaranteed a couple, if not more, interrogational questions that strongly imply that you suck and are worthless as an entire person. Just take a deep breath and mentally blow your brains out now before your boss’ boss finds you and creates several new holes in your a*s. But anyways, your sales manager has handed out the leads and that’s where you start.

                  There’s a few papers on your desk with client information and what they are interested in. So let’s go ahead and give one of them a call. Nope, don’t even think about it. There’s a list of things you need to check on before you contact a lead. First, is the vehicle they want even still on the lot? Because we send a lot of s**t to auction and nobody is updating you on what’s coming in or going out. It’s your own responsibility to know what cars you have and which ones have been sold. Fair enough, that’s a reasonable expectation, right? Eh, kind of. It’s good information to have as a salesman so that you can quickly answer your boss or customers if they ask about any of the inventory and not look like a complete a*s hat stumbling through your list of cars trying to figure out if it still exists. But on the other hand, my lot moves about 250-300 cars and trucks a month. You know how hard it is to keep up with that s**t? Not only that, but half of the trucks are the exact same. During some periods of time, we’ll have maybe 30 white Ford F-150’s, all with the exact same features. That makes it easier for us salesman so that instead of remembering 30 different trucks, we now can just assume that they are all the same. Haha, yeah right.

                  Every single one of those trucks is just different enough for it to matter. They are all different prices, they all have different mileage, and all of them are broken and fucked up in different places. But none of these specific qualities ever seem to be physical attributes that you can actually use to tell them apart just by looking at them. Nope, you’ve got to read the stock number assigned to each one to know which exact one your lead was inquiring about. And maybe it’s on the lot, maybe it’s not. You can’t expect anyone else to help you because you know they are just as clueless as you are. So I often find myself trying to track down a vehicle. This includes, but is not limited to, asking every salesman if they know where it is, finding out if one of the drivers drove it to the auction, or maybe it’s down at the mechanics shop getting worked on. There’s a stupid amount of places it can be. And for some reason, you always end up finding out someone you’ve already asked forgot they drove it to get detailed. Okay, whatever, that’s over now. So you find out you still have the vehicle. You may now proceed to the next step. Now you don’t have to do this next part, but it’s in your best interest if you want to even try bullshitting your way through this. Get the keys and start up the engine. And hey, if it’s not blocked in by four other trucks because you have 50 parking spots and 150 vehicles on the lot, maybe even drive it around the block to get a good feel for it.

                  This is the part where you pray and keep praying that when you turn that key and the engine starts to roll over, there’s nothing wrong with the mechanics or internals. About 25% of the time the car doesn’t even start at all and you have to hunt down the jump box to hook it up. So the car is now started and there’s a good chance that something on this car is fucked up because you work for a company that buys pieces of s**t. Its more than likely going to be something like a check engine light on or parts of the car that don’t work properly. If you sit in it for a few minutes, you’re almost sure to find something. So maybe the car is fucked up a little and maybe, by God’s good grace, you actually got into a decent vehicle. Either way, now you can call the lead and convince them what a great deal they would be missing out on if they didn’t see this rare, magnificent machine right away. The kicker here is that they probably won’t answer the phone. This is, of course, if there was a phone number for you to call. Half the time it’s just a paper with a name and an email address. People these days do not respond to emails for some reason. I can’t tell you why, they’re probably either lazy or an a*****e or possibly both. But go ahead, you email them and tell me if they reply to your message. Hell, even if they do, it’s too late by now. Sorry buddy, the car sold yesterday. You should have been a little more proactive in your search for transportation. Have fun walking to work! To sum it up, you might get a hit or two on some of your leads throughout the week. Often times they are just worthless, fake, or complete idiots who won’t follow through.

                  You do not understand what it feels like to get a customer on the lot that actually has some common sense. It’s literally the best feeling in the world. I mean, have you seen most used car dealerships? Come on, do you really expect to see intelligent people poking their heads around a half-paved-half-gravel lot full of cars that may or may not be complete pieces of junk? No, of course you don’t, and neither do I. The average person that walks on to my lot has one or more of the following: Bad credit (and I mean terrible credit), little or no money, a piece of s**t car they want to trade-in that might be worth $500 that they owe $7,500 on, no proof of income or even a job (how the hell do people expect to finance a car without a job? Seriously?), and the list just goes on and on. This is your average used car consumer for you.

                  But every once in a blue moon and when the stars are aligned just perfectly, you’ll actually get someone who has potential to purchase a car. This is your chance, do not f**k this up or I swear on your mother’s grave that you will feel the pain when your check comes in. The best customer is the one who has cold, hard cash. This guy is doing something right; and for once, you might actually stand a chance. The only thing you need to do with a cash buyer is make sure they like the car. If you can do that much, you’re basically golden. But most people are looking to finance, which is totally fine and normal. I don’t blame you that you don’t have $15,000 lying around to blow on a car. Honestly, I definitely don’t have that and it would be ridiculous for me to expect that from you. And do I have outstanding news for you! We finance! We’ve got prime lenders, second-chance lenders, and if all else fails, we can try to fall back on in-house financing. This is, however, if you don’t mind a 24% interest rate on a short-term loan.

                  So let me get back on track here. You’ve called all of your leads; you’ve sat around doing nothing most of the day, and you’ve met a customer on the lot who might actually work out. Cool, you’re doing something right for once! They find something they like; you show it to them, you take them for a test drive, and the next thing you know you’re ignoring the customer any time they mention something negative about this wonderful car you’re about to f**k them financially with. Now you’re just happy that you can move on to talking numbers. Realistically, my dealership might be able to move about $2,000 max off the listed price without losing money. Most people are actually pretty reasonable and I’m able to come to an agreement with them on the price. And in your every-day scenario, this hypothetical buyer will require financing and can put about $2k down. This is great news, because this…this might actually be something you can work with. Let’s get a credit app filled out and hope his credit is at least half as decent as he says it is. If it actually isn’t bad, you can submit it over to a lender and see if they will approve it. If not, then you’ll simply start to move down the list as you cross off different ways to make this work. Like I said before, this person probably has the credit equivalent of a student signing their name on an SAT test and turning it in like that. Second-chance lenders aren’t even going to touch this guy. But wait, maybe your boss will loan this clearly financially untrustworthy man the money because you do in-house financing, remember?

                  Please, I repeat, please try to avoid this at all costs. It’s almost so bad that it’s not even worth your time to put this deal together now. I literally have a list of paperwork we need from this guy before he drives off with a car. We’re going to need your proof of income, because if you don’t have any, this deal is already fucked. We will also need a copy of a utility bill; obviously so that we know you’re not homeless and can at least pay the bills you have now. Don’t forget about the references, their license, insurance on the vehicle they want (including my dealership as the lien holder, this is a must), a phone bill in case we ever need to let you know you’re two months late on your payment, an even longer credit application with useless information that we will never use, and we’re going to need to verify with your job that you weren’t fired yesterday.

                  But hey, you’re having an amazing week and you’re feeling lucky. You pulled up to your house the other day just as your favorite song was finishing on the radio and you won $2 off that scratch-off you found in your backseat. Things are going good for you and this guy just happens to have all of the required paperwork. No-f*****g-s**t! This is basically the unicorn of the car sales world. But now he’s asking about the down payment and you’ve got to break the news that since we’re lending you money out of our own pockets, we’re going to want to see about 50% down. I know what you’re thinking right now. Holy s**t, right? There are a handful of people who will actually have this. Think about it. This person has terrible credit and can’t find anyone to lend him a cigarette bud, let alone enough money to buy a car. Do you really think this guy has $5 grand to drop like a hot plate? But believe it or not, you actually got the one guy who fucked up his credit when his wife divorced him years ago and never bothered to fix it. He’s actually got a pretty good job and he definitely makes more than you do. For some reason, this guy just pays cash for everything he buys. It’s a miracle! There is still a little hope left.

                  Your boss gives you the green light on the deal and you’ve gathered the novel’s worth of paperwork together. Awesome, send that s**t over to finance and let them start printing up the rest of the paperwork. While you’re waiting for F&I to get their s**t together, you’ve still got some duties that need to be addressed. This is an in-house deal, so you’ve got to make sure you get an extra key made. What if we end up having to repo his junk car because he couldn’t afford the $600 per month payment on an $8,000 car? Don’t worry, we are preparing for this exact situation. So you drive your happy little a*s down to Lowe’s and argue with the guy that you understand it won’t start the car. You just need a copy to open the doors, not a key with a chip in it. Literally, this happens almost every single time. To hell with that guy, you just need your key and your out. Now you need to go get a GPS installed in the car so that your perfect customer doesn’t happen to fall off the face of the planet when his payment is due next month.

                  This isn’t really difficult, just time-consuming. Go back to the lot and get a GPS and some cables. Make a copy of the serial number for that GPS and give it to one of the ladies in the back office. Now go find one of the three mechanics to install that s**t so you can be over with this already. In fact, you’re a nice person, right? Why don’t we go ahead and call one of them to let them know we’re coming like any reasonable person would do. One of them has cars lined up to last him the rest of the month, so he’s definitely not getting around to this any time soon. The second one is likely asleep in a broken down RV that he’s been ‘fixing’ for years, but you knew this already. So you call the one guy who is actually keeping up with his job and picking up the slack. He’s got your back and the GPS is installed and hidden under the dash in about 20 minutes. Make sure he calls that lady from the back office to verify it’s working. It is alive and ticking, so on to the next thing.

                  The last time this car was inspected there was a different president in office. So now let’s run down to Express Lube and have them slap one on there real quick. You go to them all the time for services and inspections, so they all know you on a first name basis. But today is going to take a turn for the worst. The guy that normally does inspections got fired last week and has been replaced by a by-the-book stupid m**********r who has no idea who you are, who you work for, and how much business your company brings them. Failed! The windshield wiper blade is hanging off a bit at the top and he’s so new that attempting to even argue with him about it would be useless considering you know more about his job than he does. You have no choice but to fix it. Run across the street to AutoZone and grab the cheapest set of blades you can find. Don’t forget the receipt if you plan on being reimbursed later.

                  All right, the incompetent Express Lube worker has finally given you his seal of approval (like that means anything) and you’re done. Go back to the lot now, your customer has probably been waiting for a good half hour for you to pull up with his car. You give him the same lazy speech you gave the last guy about thanking him for his business and you slap his temporary plate on so you can get rid of this nightmare of a sale already. Congratulations! You made a sale! But remember, in-house deals only pay $150 regardless of profit made by the dealer. You can now sleep sound tonight knowing you will get a minimum of $300 on your next paycheck.

                  This is basically my life at work. This s**t over and over and over again. I didn’t even include anything about split deals or heat cases. One of the other salesmen decides at the last minute, after you’ve done all this work, to tell you that your customer was actually his customer that he spoke to on the phone yesterday. And just like that, $150 turned into $75 real quick. But let’s say you landed a big one; a deal that will pay you more than you’ve made in the last 3 weeks. This is a big deal, but it’s going to be a heat case. You sell this guy a truck. It could have been a good truck or it could have been massively fucked from the beginning. But this guy wanted it for God knows what reason and you made some sweet, sweet cash from it. You even treated yourself to some frozen yogurt to celebrate.  He comes back an inappropriate amount of time later demanding that you pay to repair his recently blown engine. Is it your fault for selling him a s****y truck from the beginning? Maybe. Or maybe it was in fantastic shape when he left with it and this f*****g a*****e drove it into the ground like it was his life goal to see how quickly he could anally rape this truck into the pavement. Either way, he somehow talked your boss into paying for the repairs.

                  Get ready for chargebacks! I’ll describe what a chargeback is if you aren’t familiar. You’re boss is a good guy and gives him the benefit of the doubt. To be the amazing businessman he is and to keep customers happy, he pays a mechanic to fix this jackass’ mistake. This cuts into the gross profit that this sale made the company. The profit that you got 20% of. Well guess what buddy, you better have some of that money saved back. Because when the bill comes in for that $1,500 repair, you bet your a*s that 20% of that is coming out of your next check. Yes sir, you are paying for this guy’s s****y engine to be brought back to life. You should be happy, though! It could have been so much worse. He could have just said he didn’t want that truck anymore and gave it back to you completely. Now not only are you stuck with a truck that makes PT Cruisers look like Ferrari’s on your lot, but you are also going to give back every single penny you made from that sale you made months ago.

                  It’s cool, though, because they will take it out in chunks from your next four paychecks. And this is just the financial side of things. You’re giving your hard earned money back to the company you hate working for while listening to an angry redneck who just blew the engine on his truck yell his opinion at you. This guy is not happy at all and you can’t do anything about it. Even if you wanted to give him a free car just to get him out of there, you barely have the authority to hand out bottled water. Your only option is to just sit there and take it until your sales manager grows some balls and escorts him out. Next thing you know its Wednesday. Time to turn in commission sheets. You made enough to get by this time and swear you’ll find a new job soon. And when you finally give up and retreat within your own mind, just remember that you, at one point, signed up to become a used car salesman.

 

                  This is obviously not how every week is for me, just most of them. Sure, I’ve had a week where I’ve sold 7 cars and made just shy of $1,200. I’ve also had times where I’ve made $750 in 3 weeks. That’s 120 hours of trying and failing for a measly, petty amount of cash. Unless you are super immune to stress, headaches, and the constant communication with complete idiots, do not become a used car salesman. And if you already are, I may have described your situation perfectly. Or maybe your dealership is way better than this and it hasn’t been your experience thus far. I don’t know, you make your own life choices. But if I could give any advice to anyone looking into this career, I would highly advise you to reconsider. In fact, if you want know what it would be like to have this job and see if you would like it or not, drive down to your nearest adult entertainment shop. Purchase the largest, blackest d***o. Then, just simply go home, set your house on fire after locking the doors, and shove that thing up your a*s like it’s a freight train entering a tunnel that’s entirely too small to accommodate it. Or I suppose you could just Google it and see what others have to say, that would work, too. I hope this help shed some light on this side of the business for you. Make your life decisions wisely. And if there is even just one thing you take away from this story, it should be this: do not get into the business of f*****g people over. You will regret it, I promise you. 

Author's Note

I'm aware that I have probably broken several writing rules. Like I've previously mentioned, I only wrote this to help vent and take off some of the stress. Feel free to give whatever feedback or constructive criticism you would like. And if you do happen to enjoy it, absolutely let me know. If you hate it, I don't really care. I also know that some of the paragraphs may be longer than usual. Keep in mind that this is the first time I've ever written purely out of my own will. The only reason I'm sharing this is because I would like to make at least one person laugh.