Thank You for Everything

An open letter to my ex, about the year we were together.

To my ex,

We have been through a lot in the year we were together, from the first hug when I returned from overseas, to moving in together, to when I decided to leave. I just wanted to say thank you for everything. Even though I have really s****y memory, I still remember a lot.

Thank you for pushing me to move out so soon, even though I was obviously still hesitant and nervous. You didn't make things easy by rushing me, even though you were still in school. You made your priorities clear as well, when you decided video games were more important than getting more hours at work to help support us. I don't think you know how stressed out I got, trying to make sure we were stable. I remember getting anxious about telling my mom, finding a car, and getting a job all before the deadline you had set for me. I learned not to take steps I wasn't ready to make, to listen to my inner sense of what is right, to take the the time it takes in each decision. I learned that and more was to come.

Thank you for choosing to sit alone at home, rather than go to family dinner with me, or any of my other family events for that matter. You showed me that you didn't think my family was worth getting to know. Yes, you saw me comfortable at home with you, but you didn't get to see me with my family and how I interact with them. You didn't get to see the other kind of love I am capable of. I remember the look on my moms face when I told her that once again, you wouldn't be joining us on the one night a week set aside for my family. Yet, you expected me to go with you every time your family had a gathering for Christmas or such. You showed me that you thought you and your family were more important than me and mine. I learned not to let anyone come between me and my family, including those I considered my family.

Thank you for rarely ever supporting me and my decisions. Whether it was a little thing such as taking on a couple more hours at work, to wanting to get my motorcycle license, to simply considering joining the air force. You didn't want me taking on more hours because it would mean less time at home with you, yet you would spend hours gaming even after I got home. You didn't want me getting my motorcycle license because your friend had gotten into a bad accident on one before and you considered me a bad driver. But you had never seen me on a motorcycle so how would you have known. You shut down the option of me joining the air force by threatening to break up with me if I did join. You showed me that what you wanted was more important than what I wanted and what made me happy. I remember the few times I decided to wear make up to work, and you asked what guy I was meeting up with before or after work. Who would have known my simple choice to wear make up that day would show your mistrust and lack of faith in me. I learned that in the end, I shouldn't let anyone change my mind for me and to do what I wanted, because I owe no one anything.

Thank you for all the times you showed me that I wasn't good enough. Your video games were more important than spending time with me. I never had all the dishes washed, even though I worked more hours than you and you rarely helped. You were always stalking other girls on social media, even after I told you how it made me feel. I remember trying to wake you up for your appointment after you had neglected to set an alarm. After three unsuccessful tries, where I woke you up yet you decided not to get up, I finally gave up. Two hours later you woke up, got mad at me for not waking you, then after I told you I had tried, you told me I should've tried harder. You should've tried harder to keep me. 

Thank you for getting mad every time I forgot something, little or big, you showed me exactly how understanding you were of how I am. You got mad at me for leaving the light or game console on, even though you would leave them on all night yourself. You got mad at me for forgetting to take my birth control. Yes, I understand you didn't want a kid, but I didn't want one even more than you did, and freaking out about it didn't help at all. You got mad at me for forgetting to eat, but I couldn't help the way my body was acting. You got mad at me for forgetting to take my keys out of the ignition before locking the car doors, but you getting frustrated didn't help my own frustration at myself. You got mad at me for forgetting my promise not to drink caffeine and coming home with coffee. Yes, I am aware that it wasn't the best for my heart conditions, but you stressing me out by getting mad didn't help my heart either. I remember getting even more upset with myself after you went off at me about something I had forgotten.

Thank you for being lazy and barely helping pay bills and expenses while we lived together, at least now I know I can support myself. Meanwhile, you went out and bought new video games then had to borrow money from me to fix your car. Yes, I liked having pets, but don't try to say you didn't buy them for yourself, too. It would have been better if you had used that money to pay me back instead. I thought you would be mature enough to pay me back without having to nag you, but I thought wrong. I hadn't realized yet that I was dating a little boy, and not a man.

Thank you for pleasuring yourself to cam girls and other girls you stalked on Facebook and Instagram while hiding in bathroom at three a.m., by that you showed me exactly how much respect you had for me, those girls, and yourself. About zero to negative ten. I remember walking in on you, and even after I had taken it all in and knew what was going on, you still tried to hide and deny it. I remember silently crying and then falling asleep with my heart shattered. 

Thank you for taking advantage of my kindness of making sure you were ok for the next month after I moved out. You screwed me out a couple hundred dollars, on top of over a thousand dollars you still owed me. I knew I would never see a dime of it after I left. You were just that kind of person. But I didn't want to stay around longer than necessary just to try and get some of it back. I like to think of our relationship as a really expensive life lesson. I lost money, but you lost your best friend.

Thank you for waiting until after you'd already lost me to tell me all the things you had lied to me about, even though you used to get on my case after I told white lies. You showed me exactly how hypocritical you are. You got mad at me for not revealing past experiences I'd had, when you kept your own secrets from the night before we got together. You lied to yourself about your own problems more than you lied to me though, and that was your own loss.

Thank you for the thousand of unkind words you said and called me through calls, texts and messages after I left. You called me a w***e for hanging out with my guy friends, because you were jealous and manipulative, so they never saw me during the time I lived with you. You called me a s**t for talking to other guys to keep my mind off you. You called me a b***h for refusing to give you a second chance, but I had already made up my mind. You called me all that and more for a variety of reasons, both when you were drunk and sober. 

Thank you for telling me you wished I would die, you showed me then how much you actually loved me. I had told you that for once, I was doing something for myself, something that was good for myself. I broke up with you because you were not what was good for me. I still loved you, but you were toxic, and I did not want to be dragged down. I still cared so much for you, but you cared more about yourself. You begged me to come back, even though I had obviously been unhappy. You threatened me to give you a second chance, and even then you were still thinking about yourself, still being selfish, still caring more about how you would feel without me there, than how much happier I would be without you. I still loved you, but for once I loved myself more, and I did what was best for me.

I don't hate you for what you did to me. For the ways you lied and manipulated me. For the ways you put me down instead of building me up. For the ways you put yourself first. For your hypocrisy and laziness. For your immaturity and over jealous ways. For your mistrust and unreasonable anger. But I don't miss you either. My hope is that maybe one day you can look back without anger and know better what should be done in a relationship.

The one that walked away,

your ex

Author's Note

This is a very rough draft, a letter to my ex based on my past relationship. The way I'm trying to write it is not to be harsh towards him, but to be truthful about the experience. I find it hard to keep it neutral because it still hearts sometimes. so any critical advice about my tone of voice in this piece would be much appreciated. Sorry it's kind of a long read, I had a lot to say to that bastard.

Reviews

[Lost feelings61]

I think its amazing and honest , its a letter worth writing .