The Devil's Terms

This wasn't right at all. Hellfire? Burning devils? Demons melting hot latex onto burned and battered bodies? I'm a Christian d****t! I lived a good life, I was chaste, I gave to the lord and asked for nothing in return!

"Not quite what you expected?" A handsome man in a zoot suit asks me.

"What did I do wrong?" I say, crying as horned angels come toward us.

"Oh, nothing really. I'm sure *He* would even approve of your lifestyle."

"Then why? Why this?" I ask with a trembling lip as the angels grab me by the neck and attach an etched metal collar.

"You signed your soul away, to the devil no less, and that's all he really needs."

"No, NO I DIDN'T! I didn't sign anything!"

"Apologies, a misnomer, I meant of course that you agreed to the terms and conditions."

"What are you talking about?" I say, sobbing wildly as the angels pull off my clothes with fiery nails made of burning crosses.

"TurboTax 2013. It was there clear as day, you couldn't even click 'I Accept' until you scrolled to the bottom. You even had to check a box stating that you've read it!"