“The Tempest Wind” (HAIKU)

poignant

“The Tempest Wind” (HAIKU)

 

The whirlwind hollers, howling fiercely in vain

My life wails in sorrow’s rooted rings

Hoping it would make my burden light

 

The tempest whispers hopelessly

It couldn’t convey my heartfelt pains

Embracing all yet left my anguish’s deep stain.

 

If only the wind’s echoes might carry

Life’s enormous burden’s weight that stings

Take away my anguish, my pains

 

Oh, to be free from,

The heavy yokes that binds within

To have yoke lifted, and burdens made light

Author's Note

The structure does really Matter, does it?
critique all you like

Reviews

[Aarti Sriram]

The poetry melancholy describes a heavy windy storm and wishes it took away the pains and sorrows along. The tempest making strong sounds yet fails to quieten the worries and creates havoc as it flies away with everything it could uproot. How the poet expresses haplessly his deep burdens die an end by this deadly storm.The poetry accomplishes our sympathies that we feel the extreme sadness,the responsibilities and suffering gets washed away by this tempest. Liked it very much Tumi ,many thanks for sharing!

[Coyote Poetry]

All of us need more easy day Tumi.
"Oh, to be free from,
The heavy yokes that binds within
To have yoke lifted, and burdens made light"
The above lines. I need also my friend. Thank you for sharing your amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Tumi]

Thanks once more sir for the reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.

[Jeyanthi]

Is burden lite or light??...
You know we were told to go the top of mountain and say our loved ones names and it echoes back. That was funny feeling and mad-ess feel😅. But I did that at my young age with my friends...

Your poem amazing.. especially the personification as others say... the storm visited ( like your hard work or your performance) but didn't take away the pain and just now howling in vain ... to me it looks like animal chained by your last santaza...
Structure do matter dear... keep writing!

[Jeyanthi]

One of the easiest way of my syllable count is 'to stop after each vowel sound ' lol if that makes sense😅

[Tumi]

thanks for the kind review it means alot

[emmajoygreen]

Perhaps we all need to read and understand what is meant by 'Form' or 'Structure before using e.g . Haiku incorrectly. Should we not use your name, tumi?

[Tumi]

Sure, thanks for the feedback, i decided to break the rules of an HAIKU structure, while keeping the message,
i have written my others in the 5-7-5

[emmajoygreen]

Forgive but, if you break the rules, why on earth call it a HAIKU!

[Tumi]

haiku is generally written in ons,
Since the English syllable counts differs from the Japanese, the adherence to the structure feels nearly unnecessary (personal conclusion) since the translation may differ, so i focused on only the message instead, Hope you get my point, for interactions, i labelled it has an HAIKU,

[Jeyanthi]

It's called tanka..

[Marie]

Tanka is similar to Haiku as the first three lines have the 5, 7, 5 syllable count with tge final two lines having 7 syllable count...

[Tumi]

I fly like a bird,
high above the starry sky
The breeze shakes my wings
I embrace the pain it brings
Just to hold you close once more

Here is a tanka, the haiku was intentional,
i would revise more on the structures, form and message of HAiku

[Jeyanthi]

There is syllable count in internet, I forgot that website... it's long back... in blogsphere there is website called haiku horizon where prompt are posted weekly...

[Jeyanthi]

If you are interested in poetic form... you can check poetry wagon blog by rajalakshmi... she took blog a to z challenge 2014... and wrote poems in a to z poetic forms... she linked always to the source...... if you are interested...

[Jeyanthi]

Marie, thank you for letting me know.. in Japanese it's called tanka... in tamil we call kavithai it does have rules... and called kural (thirukural)...

[Marie]

Welcome, dear poetess...

[Marie]

Tumi, this is definitely NOT a Haiku. A Haiku is about nature (trees, flowers, birds, etc) and there are three lines to a Haiku which is a Japanese concept of poetry.
The first and third lines each have 5 syllables in each line and the second line has five syllables as follows: The blood red rose droops

The petals bend to the earth

Gently kissing it

Your first line has eleven syllables
Nine in line 2
Nine in line 3

and it's not about Nature and definitely the composition is all wrong for Haiku.

Senryu is the same as Haiku:
First line: 5 syllables (not words but syllables)
Line 2: 7 syllables
Line 3: 5 Syllables
and Senryu is for everything which is NOT Haiku.

*Hope this helps, Tumi...

[Tumi]

I decided to break all rules in the structure and keep the essence
Thanks for the explanation and review

[Snow_]

Hey do not beat yourself up. Sometimes when breaking rules people won't like it. I think it is also because haiku poetry is just short in its purest essence. Maybe try haiku sonnet?

[Marie]

My only problem is calling a poem Haiku when it clearly is NOT a Haiku. Why call it something it is not? Why not simply call it a poem and leave it at that?

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

structurally, this might not be a haiku, but, you've understood what a haiku is in its essence. this form of poetry juxtaposes nature and what is happening in our internal state. something that can be seen, representing someting that can not be seen. you have done that here. using the imagery of a stormy season with the anguish of the persona.
another part of the tradition of haiku is that the poet usuall talks about the context a specific poem is written. so i ask: where were and what were you going through when you wrote this?

[Snow_]

But im not blaming him.....TUMI is my friend.....

[Snow_]

The haiku's essence is its concise right?

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

the haiku's form is 5-7-5. its essense is the expression of a personal memory, using imagery of a season as a palette to evoke emotion.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Haiku in its purest form is three lines, 5-7-5 in syllable count.
But rules are made to be broken, as Emily D. would say.
I like the personification you use in this.
j.

[Tumi]

thanks so much for the kind review, i was told Haiku is actually originated in ons in 5-7-5 syllable count