Longing Heart

"Longing Hearts"

 

 

Shall we remain apart until time's ripe call?

When will our hearts beat as one, standing tall?

Why can't I express what I see in your eyes?

Does love now deceive, or truth disguise?

 

 

Does love not shine like gold in desert mines?

Does it not flow like water's endless streams?

Does love not blossom from the heart's deep roots?

Can my heart be false, or wrong's dark fruits?

 

 

Even if my eyes deceive, love's truth remains,

Born from the heart's depths, and mind's highest plains.

In your eyes' smiles, and night's gentle hue,

I see our love's beauty, forever true.

 

 

A binding curse, or love's sweet, cruel might?

Till death's dark hour, our hearts entwined in flight.

Through life's remaining breath, our love will thrive,

Together, forever, our hearts alive.

Author's Note

feel free

Reviews

[Marie]

A very beautiful love poem which depicts two lovers so wrapped around each other in love, but one of the lover's has doubt and wonders if her eyes deceive her, if their love is real, but then the line "I see our love's beauty, forever true." tells me everything that I need to know about their love. It IS true, it IS real and their hearts will be together forever. A promise within those lines makes their love eternal. I like how the poem is written and expressed and I like your way of thinking also, Tumi. Lovely work! Thank you for sharing with me...

[JayG]

You need to look at prosody more closely. In general, you want to establish a pattern, such that a given line in a stanza has the same number of feet as that line in the others.

But. S1L1:
Shall WE reMAIN aPART unTIL TIMES ripe CALL?

Iambic, 6 feet,with that spondee disrupting flow a bit. Replacing Until with "till" removes the spondee and drips the count to 5 feet.

S2L1:
Does LOVE not SHINE like GOLD in DESert MINES?

Iambic, 5 feet.

S3L1:
EVen IF my EYES deCEIVE, love's TRUTH reMAINS,

Trochaic, 6 feet

S4L1:
A BINDing CURSE, or LOVE'S SWEET, cruel MIGHT?

Iambic, 5 feet, and another spondee.You might swap the words sweet and cruel, given that the word cruel has no harsh sounds, which gentles the spondee, while The hiss of the S and the snap of the T in sweet tend to a*s stress.

But in general, you've made a dramatic uptick in communication skills.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I saw work here to make the rhyme sound natural...and it felt for the most part that it worked.
I am not a big rhyme fan...but really liked the second stanza a lot....
and overall...the sentiment hit me.
j.