when i look in the mirror

emotional

WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR

When I look in the mirror

All I see is the shattered pieces

Of a broken man

Filled with regrets and prolonged hisses

 

When I look into the mirror

At the second time

I see a man with no dime

Looks and frets at things in horror

Yawns and stretches

With eyes searching in terror

 

When I look at the mirror

I see only but a sad man

An angry man

A shattered fool

A useless tool

Living only as life ceases to be

Searching for death

But it turns to him as a rare breed

his eyes were red

his beards were there

hanging loosely like a broad weed

almost like he was already dead

with no love, no care

all but tears

left with the shattered pieces

of a broken heart

a deadly disease

living all day like a troubled storm

rumbling and grumbling

A life with no hope

 

Author's Note

what do you think?
critiques?
feel free

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

When someone - YOU, can write such a sensitive and creative poem like the above, you should see yourself as a first class poet, thinker but - only for the moment, unecessarily despondent person. You have so much value in your being.. please focus on that. Don't look for the dark.. always try to look for the light and smiling.

[Marie]

I see a portrait of a beautiful human being who is broken by the many hardships faced in life. A man filled with love without anybody to give it to. A lovely person down on their luck at the moment, BUT and as you can see tumi, it is a very big but, it won't always be like this. The winds of change are always blowing and better days are on the way. Just keep hope alive in you tired heart because the best is yet to come. Sometimes we have to go through the very bad times in order to find the good times and appreciate them. Feelings are very well expressed! You have crafted a very powerful, emotionally moving poem and depiction is very poignant, but finely painted. Excellent write! Be proud of you, tumi...

[Tumi]

Thanks for the kind review and encouraging words it means alot

[Marie]

Most welcome always, Tumi and very well deserved too...

[John the Baptist]

I think you need either a new mirror or a new way of looking at life.

[Thomas W Case]

Powerful work. You evoke a lot of emotion here.

[JayG]

I'm not certain of why you keep sending me requests for critiques, but since you did:
-----------
When I look in the mirror
All I see is the shattered pieces
Of a broken man
Filled with regrets and prolonged hisses
----------

You might want to use my mirror, instead. When I look into it I see a man who's had a successful and satisfying life, three great kids who've grown into adults to admire, and who found a woman willing to put up with him for 52 years — my greatest accomplishment.

My point: This piece is you talking about your feelings, to people who lack backstory and context, when you should be making the reader feel and care. In other words, it's the male equivalent of what's often called a dismal damsel poem.

And since you need a project that will take your mind from your troubles, and focus on changing the situation, why not take positive action? If you want to write poetry that more people will identify with, and appreciate, spend some time digging into the skills of poetry. It will distract you from your problems and eliminate at least one of them.

And if my reminding you to do that is an annoyance, Turn off the read request. 😋

[Tumi]

lol real funny to be honest
but could you give your time to write or change what could have been excluded in the first stanza

[JayG]

• could you give your time to write or change what could have been excluded in the first stanzaread more• could you give your time to write or change what could have been excluded in the first stanza

It's not a simple list of, "Do this instead of that."
What needs to change is you talking about you. For you all the emotion is there and inherent to the wording, because the events that birthed the poem are there in your mind. For you every line points to incidents, reactions, and meaningful events, waiting in your mind to be called up.

But the reader? For them, every line points to incidents, reactions, and meaningful events, waiting in *YOUR* mind to be called up. For the reader it's a reaction to unknown cause.

Look at Clare Harner's, Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep:
- - - - - - -
Do not stand
By my grave, and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep-
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning’s hush,
I am the swift up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the day transcending soft night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry-
I am not there.
I did not die.
- - - - - -
Look at her approach. It's about death, yes, but speaks of life and of hope. And as a metrical poem, there's a rhythm to it that the reader will fall into that enhances the read.

Notice, too, that the rhyming isn't obvious because he rhyming words fir the thought so well that they seem almost incidental.

It's uplifting and entertaining, while at the same time, is about death.

No way in hell can we write something like that with nothing more than the nonfiction "Telling" skills we're given in school.

You have intent. That's great. You have the emotion and the desire. What you lack is what we all lack when we come to writing: knowledge with which to express our emotions in a way meaningful to the READER.

You want to write. So become a writer. Acquire the tools with which to move the ideas and emotion from your mind to that of the reader, intact.

We learn punctuation to help the reader know HOW to speak the words. We learn spelling so the reader will recognize the words we gift them with. Why not learn the presentation methodology with which to make the reader know YOU, and your desires and thoughts as you do?

No simply one picks up a flute and plays professionally. Nor do they pick up a pencil, or a keyboard, and write professionally. Both are learned skills.

Try a few chapters of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. She'll answer the questions you didn't know you SHOULD be asking.

https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

Read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. You'll find that they both are filled with gold.

[Tumi]

thanks for the kind review
happy you enjoyed reading

[Thad]

Very poignant and
really pulls on the
heart strings indeed.
Eloquently penned
and a pleasure to read.
Best regards ✌️ Thad