untitled

A Poem by Tumi

heart break

What could have gone wrong

With my feelings

For I loved you

But did you

feel it,

I never knew I was wrong

I was blind

for in my mind

I was a fool

to think it was true

A low life could have swing feelings

Just as a penny never stays on him

With is heart he might feel it

Just maybe

It never did

But are you lying in shame

Are playing games

Or don’t you like my name

My dress,

your words

Now made depressed

But I love you

But what can I do

Your words were stinging

Just as the stung of a bee

Still I need you

For in void would my life be

May be death might come calling

Maybe it might end soon

but could the words of the heart

be caged

in the heart of man

if so wrong was I

wrong was the love

that grew in my heart

now what could be left of the son of man

but a shattered piece

a deep scar

living in my heart

© 2024 Tumi

Author's Note

real feelings am facing
what should i do?

My Review

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Reviews

Marie

The heartache of love gone wrong is very finely inked in this poignant poem, Tumi. You have captured your feelings very well and depicted them in great depth. The scars of love denied will heal when true love arrives on your doorstep and you have learned a lesson in love from this present romance. Thank you for sharing, Tumi...

Posted 8 Months Ago

JayG

I don't know why you keep requesting that I look, when your approach is unchanged, but you did ask, so...

• What could have gone wrong

If you look at this as the reader must, the only reasonable response is, "Gone wrong with what?"

And seriously...in ANY situation, do you really want a list of things that COULD have gone wrong? It's endless. In this, you're reacting to a situation that you haven't given the reader. So, from that reader's viewpoint, you could be talking about a cake not rising in the oven, a foolproof plan that failed, or almost ANYTHING else. Sure it's meaningful to you, because you know the situation you're talking about. Shouldn't the reader?

Your reader needs context AS they read, because you cannot retroactively remove confusion.

• I loved you

Me? No you didn't. So, you're talking TO someone unknown to the reader, about the result of unspecified events. And given the first line, because the reader lacks context, this could be a mother standing over her child's coffin, or many other things. Your intent for the meaning doesn't, and can't make it to the page. But you've supplied no context to make the words meaningful as they are read.

• But did you

Did I what? Based on the current wording you're asking if the person loved themself. Have your computer read this piece to you. It picks up things like this.

All else aside, I have to ask if you even edited this before posting. Look at the editing errors in the lines below:

• I never new (You mean "knew")
* Just as money runs from he (From "he?")
• With is heart he might feel it (You mean "Is")
• Now am depressed (Now "am?")
• Maybe I may (May be, followed by "may"? You meant "will")
• if so wrong was I (Speak like Yoda you do here)

The reader gives usof their time. In return, we need to show them nothing but our A-game, polished as highly as possible.

But all that aside, your poetry is you talking about you, and things meaningful to you, someone the reader knows nothing about. But, no one came here today wondering what's bothering other people. They're here to be entertained — to be made to care, to feel, to smile and cry. But you cannot use the writing skills of school to do that. They're designed to explain and report, dispassionately. Those skills tell the reader that the author cried at a funeral. The skills of poetry give the READER reason to weep. And they're LEARNED skills.

So...instead of talking about your loss, talk about loss in terms that will resonate with the reader. Dig into the skills of poetry that the pros take for granted and make them yours. It will take your mind off your own problems, and, help you write poetry that will be as meaningful to the reader as to you.

Grab a copy of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook from the site below.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

It will show you how to do what E. L. Doctorow meant with: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

------
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

Posted 9 Months Ago

I don't know why you keep requesting that I look, when your approach is unchanged, but you did ask, so...

• What could have gone wrong

If you look at this as the reader must, the only reasonable response is, "Gone wrong with what?"

And seriously...in ANY situation, do you really want a list of things that COULD have gone wrong? It's endless. In this, you're reacting to a situation that you haven't given the reader. So, from that reader's viewpoint, you could be talking about a cake not rising in the oven, a foolproof plan that failed, or almost ANYTHING else. Sure it's meaningful to you, because you know the situation you're talking about. Shouldn't the reader?

Your reader needs context AS they read, because you cannot retroactively remove confusion.

• I loved you

Me? No you didn't. So, you're talking TO someone unknown to the reader, about the result of unspecified events. And given the first line, because the reader lacks context, this could be a mother standing over her child's coffin, or many other things. Your intent for the meaning doesn't, and can't make it to the page. But you've supplied no context to make the words meaningful as they are read.

• But did you

Did I what? Based on the current wording you're asking if the person loved themself. Have your computer read this piece to you. It picks up things like this.

All else aside, I have to ask if you even edited this before posting. Look at the editing errors in the lines below:

• I never new      (You mean "knew")
* Just as money runs from he     (From "he?")
• With is heart he might feel it     (You mean "Is")
• Now am depressed     (Now "am?")
• Maybe I may      (May be, followed by "may"? You meant "will")
• if so wrong was I      (Speak like Yoda you do here)

The reader gives usof their time. In return, we need to show them nothing but our A-game, polished as highly as possible.

But all that aside, your poetry is you talking about you, and things meaningful to you, someone the reader knows nothing about. But, no one came here today wondering what's bothering other people. They're here to be entertained — to be made to care, to feel, to smile and cry. But you cannot use the writing skills of school to do that. They're designed to explain and report, dispassionately. Those skills tell the reader that the author cried at a funeral. The skills of poetry give the READER reason to weep. And they're LEARNED skills.

So...instead of talking about your loss, talk about loss in terms that will resonate with the reader. Dig into the skills of poetry that the pros take for granted and make them yours. It will take your mind off your own problems, and, help you write poetry that will be as meaningful to the reader as to you.

Grab a copy of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook from the site below.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

It will show you how to do what E. L. Doctorow meant with: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

------ 
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
 ~ Mark Twain

Rating /100