burden

A Poem by Tumi

heart breaking

BURDEN

So strong is the howling gale

It refuses to take away my suffering

the pattering rain that washes away the soil

could not have washed off the bitterness in me

after the agonizing burden I had to lift

a burden for us to share

a burden we both could have beared

you left me in the void of love

no pain is bigger than what you did

honor deserted my life

no one to bear my burden

with lots of regrets choking my heart

no hope, no one to run to

seems the world crumbled the moment you let go

now could my heart lift so much pain

every means to hide away leads to vain

© 2024 Tumi

Author's Note

what do you think?

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Reviews

JayG

First, lose the bold font. The reader is used to and expects a simple font that provides the poet's words. Yelling at the reader changes nothing but the reader's comfort level.

Next, this is you talking about your reaction to what's upsetting you, without making the cause meaningful to the reader. But without context, why should the reader care that someone unknown is upset for unknown reasons?

Keep in mind that no one comes to poetry to learn how the poet feels on the day they wrote it. They come to be entertained. And from that viewpoint, what's in it for the reader? You speak of an "agonizing burden I had to lift," which is meaningless to anyone but you.

Don't tell the reader YOU suffered, make the READER suffer. Make the reader feel and care, not nod and say, "Uh-huh." Tell your reader that you cried when a friend died and the reader will shrug, Make them love the friend, and THEN learn that they died and they'll react.

The thing we all miss is that the writing skills we're given in school are designed to inform, which is useful if your goal is to write a report or letter. The approach is fact-based and author-centric, which is what you're doing here. But poetry's goal is to involve the reader, emotionally, which is a learned skill, as are all writing fields.

So, for a quick upgrade in your poetry skills, read or download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook from the site I link to below.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

The lady is brilliant, both as a poet and a teacher.

Sorry my news isn't better. But you did ask. And since the problems are invisible to the author, who has context before they begin reading, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

-----------------
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

Posted 5 Months Ago

First, lose the bold font. The reader is used to and expects a simple font that provides the poet's words. Yelling at the reader changes nothing but the reader's comfort level.

Next, this is you talking about your reaction to what's upsetting you, without making the cause meaningful to the reader. But without context, why should the reader care that someone unknown is upset for unknown reasons?

Keep in mind that no one comes to poetry to learn how the poet feels on the day they wrote it. They come to be entertained. And from that viewpoint, what's in it for the reader? You speak of an "agonizing burden I had to lift," which is meaningless to anyone but you.

Don't tell the reader YOU suffered, make the READER suffer. Make the reader feel and care, not nod and say, "Uh-huh." Tell your reader that you cried when a friend died and the reader will shrug, Make them love the friend, and THEN learn that they died and they'll react.

The thing we all miss is that the writing skills we're given in school are designed to inform, which is useful if your goal is to write a report or letter. The approach is fact-based and author-centric, which is what you're doing here. But poetry's goal is to involve the reader, emotionally, which is a learned skill, as are all writing fields.

So, for a quick upgrade in your poetry skills, read or download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook from the site I link to below.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

The lady is brilliant, both as a poet and a teacher.

Sorry my news isn't better. But you did ask. And since the problems are invisible to the author, who has context before they begin reading, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

-----------------
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
 ~ Mark Twain

Rating /100