After Surgery

This week I had laproscopic surgery. My boyfriend and I had broken up, but he was still hovering in the ether. I wrote this two hours after I got home from surgery.

   I cried desperately after surgery. Surprised and confused by my own tears, an undeniable part of me was deeply saddened that he wasn't there. I just couldn't believe it. And not in my wildest conscious dreams would I expect or even fantasize about him being there. He is "swamped through Thursday". But I guess he is still deeply ingrained in my unconscious. I mean, I couldn't stop, I was devastated, but, actually I am having trouble naming the word. I wasn't disappointed- I wasn't expecting him. I was just deeply sad. Sad that I loved him so much and he would never be by my side for something like this. As I was unwaveringly at his side for every sickness. I was sad that for the first time I truly wished someone would be there with me. Other people had their family, husbands with them from 5am until the end. I was the only one to arrive alone. And it would've been the same growing up. I learned to not need, not want, because that's just not tolerable and not only would I not get any supportive love, but I'd be made to feel weak and stupid for wanting that in the first place. I built these walls of independence to survive. Survive the laid out path that no one would ever be there and no one would ever comfort me. So, I pretended I didn't need it. Pretended so well that I brought it with me as an adult. I think I even wore it as a badge of honor how "tough" I was. But as my heart opens I can feel this need. It's real and I actually feel it as deserved. In the past I could honor that as someone else's need, and now I can honor it for myself, my sweet loving self. And that is a miracle. I thank God for so much today. I am in so much pain and I can be THANKFUL for it- what a gift! I know someday someone will honor this love in me too. I will have the opportunity to open both sides of my heart and share in the receiving of love and not be afraid to accept the support. I will attract the right someone who won't promise to be there and then withdraw that promise- or make fun of me. 

    There was a sweet kind nurse who held me as I cried. She listened to my anesthetic attempt to express my sadness. She let me cry, she let me express how I just wished he was there. She agreed when I said that the reign of bad boyfriends was finished and the next one would be different. She held me and assured me that love is coming and yes- I do deserve it. Thank you Audrey. You kind wonderful stranger. To feel pure honest love and kindness from a stranger was no less sweet. It was inspiring and renewing. She knew only of the sadness and love she felt in me. Because she too is a human, she is just like me and has been sad and hurt herself. My barely comprehensible words didn't really matter, she just connected with my being, and I am so grateful to her. I want to send her a present. I want to send her a picture of my husband in the future. I want to send her a Christmas card every year updating her of our growing family and the love we are bringing to the world. Because in that moment, I connected as much to a stranger as I would anyone I've known for years, more even. And in a strong way, she helped make up for all those years of a lacking mother's love. All those times I reached for a feminine and mother's love, and received scorn. She showed me, in that moment, the truth of how to receive love without apology or fear.