Are We Dating?

But he is very different from the person I thought he was when we first met. Because when we first met, we were talking about Bohemian neighborhoods in Cleveland. And art. And music. And I thought that meant that maybe he would understand things. And that maybe he could be one of those guys I could stay up with when it was raining outside talking about the world with. One of those guys that I could just go driving with and listen to the lyrics of a song with. Someone that would take me on really cool dates that no one else would understand. And someone that I could do really weird but uncovential things thata were cute with. I’ve tried to do a lot. But it really hasn’t turned out like I hoped it would. It really hasn’t gone well, because I don’t think he gets it. I don’t think he sees things the same way that I do.

When we first met though, we did stay up this one night, like a few days after meeting, just talking all night. Maybe we had so many surface things in common that it just kind of evolved. But I really wanted him to kiss me about 8 hours into our talking. And so I tried to make this question game up.where he would ask me a question, and I’d answer, then ask him a question. I was hoping thatmaybe one of his questions would be whether or not he could kiss me. But it wasn’t. Not even close. I basically had to ask for him to kiss me. And we kissed and then just kind of hugged on eachother. And at the time, I liked to think that we both decided to watch the sun come up. But really, it was my idea. I sound like a b***h, but this all really bothers me now.

He did kiss me though. And I really did like him. Because he didn’t try to get any further. And he was charming. And helped me scrape the ice off my windshield, and kissed me good bye. Told me to text him when I got home to make sure I made it home safely. And I thought about him all day.

That night, we talked more. And he made a really clever reference to my favorite movie, Garden State. I still have the conversation saved, because I messaged it to my friends who never bothered to read it. I sent it to them because I was very excited and wanted to share this with them though.

 

·         December 3, 2011

Julia Beck

o    julia beck: ok something funnywe would do something called "scream therapy"where we would just go outside and yell "F**K!!!!" at the top of our lungs...it was great.i wish i could do that here..



rodney martin darrow: We can do it at the park someday..



julia beck: yes!that would make my life.too bad we dont know some random dried up quarrydo you know what im getting at?.



rodney martin darrow: lol, I was just gonna say that, but I can find something to suffice..



julia beck: haha .



rodney martine darrow: I have a place for us to do that it millcreek park..



julia beck: love millcreek.the one decent place in youngstown.and craigs house lolwith the cardboard and all.



rodney martin darrow: We also need a third wheel for that awkward kiss after we yell.lol.












It was from that scene when Sam and Andrew kiss when they’re standing ontop of that weird thing at the bottom of the quarry. They had that kind of weird but perfect relationship that I always wanted. And I really thought he was like that. Because after, he invited me over to his apartment the next day to watch a Rock Opera by the Who, called Tommy. I said yes and that I was going to lie to my parents and say I was going to this guy named Craig’s house who we used to be friends with.

He also told me that he was a really good cuddler and that made me so happy because I always wanted to have a boyfriend that would just lay down and hold me instead of only having sex with me or touching me. Not that I don’t like it when he touches me. But it was just nice to hear.

So I told my parents the next day that I was going to Criags for a party. And I remember that I was really nervous because I didn’t kknow what to wear. Because this really, really meant a lot to me. I wonder if he was nervous about it at all. I bet not, he doesn’t get nervous over me ever, I think. I don’t really think he feel smuch over me either, even though he says he does when I text him and he kind of has to respond. He never really seems that happy though except for right after we finish having sex an he goes and gets an old shirt or something for me to wipe the cum off of my stomach with. I don’t know why I just said that.

But I ended up settling on this shirt I have that is coral. I usually don’t like pink, or any shades of it. But I like that shirt. It’s very imporant for you to know that, because I just don’t like that color usually. Because it has this femnisitc connotation. So many girls love it. I’m not one those people who is so dead set on being unique that they’ll hate something just because it’s  popular though. I just tend to usually like things that not a lot of other people do like. But if I do like something that’s “in” I’m not going to disklike it purposely. Rodney will. I’ve caught him doing it before.

I like this shirt though. Well, more back then than I do now. Because it fits you kind of tight. But I really, really thought about this. And thought that it was a good shirt because of that. Because it showed that curve in my back that I really like. And it was kind of low cut, but not low cut enough to make a big deal out of itself. And it had this really pretty pattern on it that was different. And the sleeves were a little loner than short. I wore it with this pair of jeggings I have that are purposely ripped. These silve leaf earrings that I have. And this pair of brown boots that I have.

We watched Tommy together after we just hung out and listened to music for a bit. We took some pictures, too, and put them on facebook. I was really happy and proud to be putting pictures of myself with this new guy on facebook. Because I looked so happy in them.

When we were watching the movie, he held me the entire time. And he held my hand sometimes, too. He lit my cigarette for me whenever we went outside to smoke. He intorudced me to his roomate who seemed really nice. I even drank regular beer instead of light beer. I made it through the day on 500 calories which made me feel really confident. So we made out for about a half an hour before I had to go home at 2:30. My parents were trying totell me what to do since I’d just gotten home and it seemed like there was a chance.

I got home and was on cloud nine. I was very confident back then, because even though I relapsed right after getting home, I had really found myself in treatment. And lost some weight rapidly when I got home and started starving some days. I had a really s****y summer, but that summer made me grow up a lot. I felt complete. So I didn’t mind sharing some of myself with another person, since I had it together.

This was also back when I had friends. See, this is really weird. My cousin dated this guy naed Craig, from the time I was 12 to 15. Craig was alays really nice and I always wished that I could have hung out with them more- because I always had a really good time when I did. He was there for my family when I first started going into hospitals.

He was still there when I was going back into the hospital. Because right before Imoved to North Carolina, he snt me a message on facebook saying that he wanted to hang out with me before I left. If I was Anorexic, I would have said, “yeah, we should totally do that sometime!” but would have been too nervous to do it, or not had enough time between workouts to do it. But I wanted him to see how different I looked, honestly. Because he only knew me when I was very young, skinny, and sick. I thought that maybe he wanted to date me.

So we went out for coffeee, and had a really good time. It wasn’t that I was attracted to him even, it’s just that he was someone I thought I could date. That’s how I was with guys. I would be with them even if I wasn’t attracted to them. Because I just needed to be with somebody. But Craig wasn’t an a*****e like them, atleast I thought back then.

He promised me that we would go out and sing kareoke when I got home. I did think he was just saying this, because a lot of people just say things like that because it’s the right thing to say when omeone you know is going into treatment and everything in their life is in hell again.

We talked a bit while I was in treatment. Not a lot, but we did talk. And it made me so happy to alk to him, because I kind of liked him. And you know what? Not even a week after I’d been home, he invited me to go out and sing kareoke with him.

I did say no honestly. Because I had a really bad day. I was fighting with my mom again and had binged and purged all day. But he asked me, “Really, Julia. What else are you going to do all night? Just sit around again?”. Because that’s what I’d been doing since I got home. Because something really bad had happened right before I left. And I really thought about what he said. I was just going to sit around and binge and purge more. So why not go out?

This was right after my mo had told me to get out of the house and stay out, because I didn’t belong in the family. I was leaving and she asked where I was going. I tend to get dramatic soetimes, well I don’t try to be. But I told her I was just doing what she said and I was going out with Craig. We were going to a bar and I didn’t want her to know. Because even though I knew that she had an idea, I never told her that I used to drink way too much. So I said we were going to a this one place that was more famous for kareoke than drinking.

I met up with Craig. I did look very nice. I wore skinny jeans, my brown boots, silver earring, and this really pretty, flowy top with a vintage pattern on it that is pretty low cut. But since it’s really flowy, it doesn’t look s****y. I also really liked my hair. Because when I was in North Carolina, I decided to die it dark brown. It’s naturally a red/brown/blonde mixture… the most accurate thing I can compare it to is the color of copper.

And I have really, very curly hair, too. That I used to straighten all the time. And when I wouldn’t straighten it, I would scrunch it with gel so it wouldn’t be all poofy and just like these tamed curls. But when I was in North Carolina and had balls, I started just blow drying it without gel. It was really big and poofy. I got a lot of layers in it, too, so it looked like it was from the 80’s. Then I got these side/blunt bangs. No one else really had hair like me. And back when I had balls, I really liked it.

Even with balls, I was still nervous. But really happy when Craig came out to the parking lot to meet me. Then nervous again when I went inside and saw that it was him and a bunch of his friends I didn’t know. And there was that awkward silence after everyone learns your name and says “nice to meet you”.

But this one guy kept on talking to me about Bohemian Neighborhoods and art. And that was Rodney. Then the party happened, and the movie happened. And he asked me to come over again Tuesday night because he got off of work then. And that time, we watched Garden State. And made out. And I took my shirt and bra off. Since I was confident back then, I was saying how everyone told me I had really nice b***s the night that I was at the party and very drunk off of tequila for about an hour. I sobered up fast though after we started talking.

Anyhow, he said that he agreed with everyone, and that I had beautiful b***s. That made me feel really good. I still had to be home by 2:30 because of my parents though. So we set an alarm when we started making out so that we’d know when to stop.

He asked me though if I wanted to stay over his house on Thursday night. Because the alarm thing was kind of a pain, and it would be kind of nice to just fall asleep. So I told my mom that I was just going to stay over my friend Taylor’s house that night. But I was going to Rodney’s house, and I told him that I was going to cook dinner for he and his roomate. Because when I’m not depressed and slightly manic, I am a very, very good cook. When I am manic, life is magic, and I can do just about anything. Which sometimes really gets me into trouble.

This was a good manic though. Because I didn’t eat very much and was losing weight. I felt like I was becomign Anorexic again which made me really happy. I was writing a lot and felt like myself. Whoever myself is. It was that North Carolina feeling again.

That day, I barely ate at all. I didn’t eat at all, actually, because I knew I’d be eating with him that night. We went to the store and bought food together. And then I made this dish that I’d made for everyone when I was in North Carolina, when it was my turn at the house to cook dinner.

It’s this dish that I made a long time ago, actually. And I couldn’t find the original recipe, so I just got another recipe. And then I didn’t want to be reading off of a recipe at Rodney’s, so I kind of went by memory and changed things where they sounded like they could be changed.

We bought boneless, skinless, chicken breasts, olive oil, seasonings, tomatoes, spinach, feta cheese, boxed potatoes, some diet coke, and socco. I made the chicken breasts and then stuffed them with the feta cheese, tomatoes, spinach, and seasonings. Then, I seared them in fat free balsamic vinagarette that he had in his firdge. We started drinking the socco when I was cooking, so I kind of messed up the potatoes. Luckily, there wasn’t a casserole dish at their house, so I had to cook them in two batched, and only messed up half of the box. Which meant that there was enough left for him and his roomate, Matt, to have plenty. And that gave me an excuse to not have any. He knew that I had an Eating Disorder but didn’t know that I still had one.

I burnt the bowl really bad though in the microwave. Because it said on the box to put water with the potatoes, but I kind of forgot to. So I had him take a picture with me and the bowl that burnt so bad it cracked and shattered when we brought it out to the deck so it wouldn’t ruin their kitchen. I look very drunk and am giving the “thumbs up” sign. That picture still makes me really happy.

The rest of the potatoes came out great though, because I doctored them up with some ranch and parmesean cheese. I poured the reamining spinach and tomatoes over the cooked chicken for color,and served everything with a side of green beans. Then some socco and diet coke for me and Rodney. I wanted to put sprinkles on the socco for some reason, and it came out like the shape of hearts. Rodney took pictures of everything. And to say the least, dinner was a big hit.

I don’t remember exactly what we did that night, entirely . He did show me this box where he keeps his very important things, and I thought it was really neat. He even had a medal in there that he won in Cross Country, which I loved. And some other cool things. Some were from his real dad. I could tell that it meant a lot to him, and I felt very lucky to see it.

We made out, ofcourse. And I took off my shirt again, and he took off his shirt, too. And he told me that if he did anything I didn’t like, just to tell him. I have a really hard time telling people things. But I was just very focused on what was happening, so it didn’t worry me.

Well, then I had to tell him. Because when I was in North Carolina and talking with my best friend Julia one night, I told her that if I ever did happen to be with another guy, I wasn’t going to have sex with them until I was in a relationship with him.

It was getting really heated with me and Rodney though. And he went down to take off my pants. And I had to to stop him, which I felt really bad for doing. Not because I didn’t want to dissapoint him only, but because I actaully really, really wanted to have sex with him. But I told him about my promise. And then I started crying because I thought of why I made that promise to myself. And then I started to tell him why I made that promise, but he stopped me, because he said that he didn’t like to see me crying.

And he said that it was ok and that I didn’t have to. And no one had ever done that with me before… I couldn’t believe it. No one had ever even asked me to tell them if they did something that I didn’t like. And there was really only one time that I was brave enough to say anything, anyway.

Sex is mind boggling for me. Because I was a virgin until I was 19. I could have cared less about sex until then, too. I had boyfriends, but really only had boyfriends, but told myself that I was saving myself for marriage. And didn’t see the point to sex, because even though I felt great and thin, I wasn’t confident in a sex way. Because I had no b***s and didn’t see the point. Because I had barely any horomones in my body.

So I never really thought much of sex. And I wondered a lot why people said it was a big deal so much. And why so many problems stemmed from sex. Then I learned why. I learned why the hard way, I guess. But I kind of brought it on myself. And there are very few people that I will tell in this world about the hard way that I learned.

That way really hurt me though. That way is the reason that I cried when he started to take off my pants, the reason that I cried when he actually respected me enough to listen. Sex is serious. Very serious. And I know this now from both sides. Because since I’ve been in a consistent relationship, I know that it can be a wonderful and beautiful thing. But I also have known that it can be an absolutley horrid thing.

I didn’t have to worry with him though. Which meant the world to me. Really. We still kissed for a bit. And then just held eachother, and fell asleep. I made him breakfast the next morning and went home. I had such a great time with him, I really did. I wanted to tell somebody so bad. The only person I really wanted to tell more than anything was Julia, but we kind of got into a fight a few days before.

See, I don’t have a lot of close friends. I will say that I have a lot of friends, but not close ones. Because I have a really difficult time communicating and relating to other people. I really took some risks in North Carolina and made a lot of close friends. Julia and I, aside from our names, were nearly identicle people, too. I called her my best friends. She was my best friend. And I hadn’t had a best friend since I was 10 years old and grew apart from the best friend, Jessica, that I’d had since I was 2 years old.

It really hurt to realize that Julia and I were growing apart though. I didn’t know it could hurt that much to “lose” somebody. Because before her, the only person that I was ever close with by the time I was old enough to be hurt, was my mom. And her and I didn’t even get along anymore. Whenever I lost a friend or boyfriend after that, or even after I realized that someone was just a f**k buddy, I felt rejected and hurt, but not the same kind of Julia hurt.

She wasn’t going to listen though. So I told Craig. And it was good to have someone to tell this to, but he wasn’t a girl, so it wasn’t the same. I still felt very alone. But the lonliness wasn’t a huge issue because I was kind of getting involved with somebody.

There was one point the night before, that wasn’t the pants scenario, where I felt foolish. I really thought that we were kind of dating… How it was with my boyfriend I had in college… but I didn’t want to out and out ask…

So I wear this Cluaddagh ring. Still. I bought them for Julia and I before I moved back to Ohio, because it’s an Irish friendship ring. I spent a lot of money on them, but it was worth it. Even though we’ve grown apart, it was still worth it. Because I loved her and still love her. She was the first friend that I really ever felt connected with.

Well, these Clauddagh rings though… they were a big deal at dance class once we all turned about 15. I had a gold one that I used to wear that was probably a size 4. It doesn’t fit anymore. But we all wore them, including me, because that was when I was skinny. The girls with boyfriends told me that if you wear it with the heart facing towards your heart, it meant that your heart was taken. And if you wore it the other way, it meant that you were single.

Rodney and I were outside smoking and I told him that I needed to look something up online about my ring. And I looked it up and explained it to him. Then I asked him what way I should be wearing it. And he told me that he had been thinking about us a lot and just wanted to make sure that it kept on going well before he got into anything, because he took relationships very seriously.

But atleast he took them seriously. Maybe that meant I wouldn’t break up with him or he wouldnn’t break up with me over something stupid. And still, that was such a good night, I couldn’t complain. I can’t quite remember what I did the next day… But I do remember that night.

I was going on almost two weeks without binging and purging. And I binged. I called Rodney though and he told me to text him until I fell asleep, because he didn’t want me to purge. He told me that one time, when he was in wrestling, he purged a grapefruit because he wanted to stay in his weight class. He is about my height so he had to be in a very low weight class to remain competitive.

That ws something that I was, and still am, very insecure about. His size. I’m not going to lie, the height thing did bother me at first. Because it winnter, I wear boots all the time, and most of them have a slight heel to them. So I’m taller than him.

I wouldn’t mind being taller than him if I was skinnier than him. But I am not in the least sense. I kind of hate everything right now, so I’m going to say I’m a fat a*s. I really don’t know if other people see me as fat though. No one says they do. I don’t know how much I weigh anymore. I know that I am pretty well proportioned, though I am nowhere near as slender as I used to be. You deffinetly can not see any of my abs anymore.

Honestly, I’m probably not fat, but I would be what you consider “curvy”. And that could look ok if I was with a really tall guy, but it looks weird sometimes with him. Because I feel like I’m so much bigger that it looks like I’m going to kill him in pictures and stuff. He is very built and very sexy. He says I’m sexy, other people say I’m sexy. But I think I am just a blob, really.

It was such a let down though, to have binged. And not even have purged it. Which was why I woke up the next morning, got a shower, and told myself I wasn’t eating. Even though Rodney and I were going to a party at Craig’s house later on that night.

I had some things to do during the day though. Because even though we didn’t have sex the other night, I has a feeling it was going to happen soon. I asked my friend Taylor if it was too early to have sex with him, and she said yes, even though she usualy sleeps with guys early on like I do.

But I just had a feeling. All of the lace underwear I had became really uncomforatble when I was in North Carolina, probably because I was on the feminist kick and realized that I didn’t need to wear lingirie on a daily basis. So I bought simple bikini cut underwear. And stopped shaving, because who was going to see my crotch?

Now though, I wanted to look sexy for him. So I shaved for the first time in abut two monnths, which was pretty involved, because you have to trim it and all. And I went out and bought new underwear that was the kind with the strings. The back was all lace, but it was only the back- so I could tolerate that. I felt really sexy and good. And I went over to his house before the party.

He really didn’t kiss me except for when he came to the door to get me. I wanted to make out with him. I offered to drive to the party because I really wanted him to know how much I liked him. And I said I’d drive him home in the morning and then leave. We went to Walmart to buy liquor for the party and he told me I needed to eat something so I wouldn’t get sick from drinking. So I bought a protein bar and kept drinking my diet pop, which was all I had drank the entire day.

When we got to the party, it was really awkward. Because no one else except for Craig and his roomates was really there. Which made me the only girl. And when you’re with someone that you’re kind of almost dating, and they’re with their guy friends, it’s odd. It’s odd when you are dating and they’re with their guy friends.

But people started to show up, and I started to drink. They had socco, which after the other night, was my new favorite drink (for sentimental reasons), so I had a lot with some diet pop. And another glass. And another glass.

Now yes, I had gotten buzzed enough to burn the potatoes the other night, but I wasn’t summer drunk. I would get very drunk during the summer because I was drinking shots inssecently. Well, I hadn’t gotten summer drunk since I’d been home. Which was proabbly because any time I’d drank, I wasn’t purging. Today, I hadn’t eaten which is just as bad. And then I heard Craig’s roomate/Rodney’s friend, Josh say that the bottle of socco costed him like 40 dollars because it was 100 proof.

I started to feel really summer drunk once I finished that third glass. I was high, too. And talking to other guys, because I was so frustrated over this not dating thing. That’s what I tend to do. I don’t do it to make other people jealous. I didn’t do it even because I liked the guys. I did it to remind myself that I had options if I needed them.

The drinking didn’t stop there. Because we all started playing drinking games. Like Kings. Rodney and his friend Josh were the first ones to get a serious dare- to run outside nakes. So they did. And I didn’t look because I just didn’t want to see that way.

Then Rodney started to get distant- because I guess he gets that way sometimes when he’s high, so he went into the other room. But I kept playing the game. And the whole time I kept on getting “remove an article of clothing”. Sometimes, people will take off one shoe and count that as an article of clothing. Which is lame. So I started off with socks, which is lame, but then I went for my pants. And my shirt. And was down to my new underwear and my bar. A couple of other girls went along and any time they got the “remove one article of clothing” thing, they took off actualy clothes too. Same with the guys. So there were a lot of almost naked people.

I forget what I was talking about, but I was telling people how my mom says that I’m fat and that I need to lose weight. And when I took everything off, they said that I had such a perfect and cute figure and that she didn’t know what she was talking about. And all the guys thought I looked sexy. And I really wanted Rodney to see.

He was really pissed though. Because I had told him bits and pieces of how things were, and he said it was making him angry that guys weere looking at me the way that they used to. I was so drunk. I kept on laying all over him. And saying that I was sorry. Then I was whispering to him that I wanted to f**k him.

And he told me to remember my promise. And that he wasn’t going to let me break my promise to myself. Then I said in a really drunk and ditzy voice that I wanted to be his girlfriend then.

I said that I really liked him. And he said that he really liked me too. So I asked why we couldn’t be girlfriend and boyfriend and he said we could. I am immature, and I told him that we hadd to make it official on facebook. So we both went into Craig’s room and changed our relationship statuses. And then started having sex, but he was so drunk that he couldn’t even get hard which made me feel like s**t.

Then the next morning, when I woke up at 8, I was naked still and really just out there. I started getting dressed, because I needed to drive Rodney home, then be home by 9. Then when I stood up, I felt really sick. He woke up, and asked if I was ok. Or something like that. I said I was going to try and sleep a bit longer, because maybe that’d make me feel better.

So I slept for another 15 minutes and still felt bad. But that didn’t matter- I had parents that thought I had a nice, sober night to come home to. So I started driving and made it about five minutes, when I felt like I was gonna puke. So then Rodney started driving, and I told him to stop the car. So he drove me back to Craigs.

Man, I was fucked. I was going to puke. My head was splitting. Everything was sore. I couldn’t drive. But I had to. Because it was 8:45. My house was only 15 minutes away, so he said he’d just find a ride home later, because he didn’t want me getting into trouble. I felt really bad, but did it anyway. He walked me out, kissed me, and otld me to text him when I got back.

I started driving and somehow came together a bit. I looked horrid though. Paler than usual, blood shot eyes. Fucked up hair. I walked in with my sunglasses on, made chit chat with my parents, and then ran for some aspirin. And phenergen. Phenergen is a medicine that prevents you from vomiting. I’ve become very senstive to vomiting I think, since I do it so much, so it used to happen even when I wasn’t trying to make it happen- but just from certain foods because of my blood sugar, or if I’d bend a certain way like I was going to purge. So my doctor presecribed me the medicine. Because even though I purge, I really, really hate throwing up.

That day, I slept the entire day away. I don’t know how my mom couldn’t tell I was hung as hell. Even her friend that came over could tell. My mom did find out about Rodney though, because my neighbor saw the facebook thing and told her. I just told her he was the guy with the guitar (yeah…) and he was very, very nice and respectful (which he was). I didn’t want her to know much more though, because she is very judgemental.

I binged and purged that night, because I ended up talking with another guy that I met at the party. Kind of like I was unsure about dating Rodney. Because I really wanted to be with him, but then I was so unsure and scared. Because maybe he wasn’t what I thought he was. And this guy, well he liked me. And he asked me if I wanted to get coffee with him Tuesday, and I said I did. And didn’t tell Rodney. I just told him I was getting coffee with a friend.

And this was just a friend. I didn’t want anything to happen with him. I just wanted him to like me. I wanted a lot of people to like me, since I don’t like myself. But I’m not going to change for people to like me. So if someone likes me, it’s a really big thing, because I don’t do anything.

On Monday though, I did go over to Rodney’s. And again, I don’t really remember what we did, but I do know that we had sex for the first time. And I went to get dressed as soon as it was over, and he stopped me and said he just wanted to lay there and hold me for a bit. And I could hardly believe it.

Because I didn’t know that things like that actually happened in real life. But it did happen. And it happened again and again. And we had sex a lot that week. And I actually enjoyed it. I never enjoyed sex before. I did it just becaue I wanted the guys to like me. Not because I enjoyed it. I didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t great or anything. I just wanted to hear them call me beautiful. That was really all it was about.

I started to feel so odd though. I thought about Rodney all the time. I felt like I needed him. My heart would pound through my chest when he would text me before bed and say, “sweet dreams, beautiful’, or something like that. I really trusted him. I felt like I needed him.