When we Met

Today though. I kind of want to thinkabout today, because I have a bad habit of getting caught up in the past and letting the present slip away. Well, I guess that it’s kind of impossible to not think about the past, because the past influences the decisions I’m making, the things I want, and the goals that I have for today. That being said, maybe it’s ok to talk about the past for a bit, as long as it is pertainient to today. And what’s going on today. F**k, but that means that I have to talk about yesterday.

So yesterday was May 9^th, 2012. That’s not a significant date or anything. Especially since it was a really, really lousy day. I didn’t sleep at all the night before. Again. So once it got to about 8 am, I had been in a dazed state. This state that reminds me of when I would take acid and be wandering off somewhere. Not in a good sort of day dreamikng way. Everything looks like it’s going to crack and turn to dust if I touch it. Time seems like it’s frozen. And I panick a lot. And nothing seems like it’s ever going to workout. And I panick. A lot. To the point where I let the issues slip away from me and just know that I’m scared. I’m paraylized inside of my head.

Well that’s how I was yesterday. Because my boyfriend texted me all day, but I couldn’t bring it to myself to text him back until 5 pm. He started texting me at 8 am before he went into his new job. His new jobt hat is kind of starting all this. It’s not the cause of all this though, because I am the cause of all this. Just like I am the cause of everything.

See, when we first started dating, he had a really crappy job. Which this is judgemental of me, but I was kind of embarrassed by. Because he worked in a grocery store and was 24. He did have his degree- he got it last spring. And see, it wasn’t even ME that minded him working in a grocery store. It wsas just the conoctations that my parents had established inside my head that got in the way and fostered the judgements. Well, no I didn’t judge him. Because I knew that he was very brilliant and just didn’t look for a job really after he finished college. But I didn’t want my parents finding out.

There were a lot of things I didn’t want my parents finding out about him. Because they are very mean and judgeental people, when they want to be. I had only introduced them to two of my boyfriends before. They made fun of the one when he wasn’t there, and they liked the other one. The one who broke up with me when I was in the hospital. When  I first met my current boyfriend, I could never imagine him breaking up with me in the hospital. And I still can’t imagine him doing that. But I really can’t imagine him being there for me either. Or maybe he would. He is extremely confusing, which is another thing that started this.

But his new job is very different. Because as much as I hated his old job, it was nice that he had days off. He would work about 35 hours a week, usually. The pay wasnn’t all that bad, but he had to pay rent and student loans. Plus car insurance and his phone bill. He didn’t even have medical insurance, which I STILL don’t want my parents to know about. So obviously, he didn’t have a lot of money for us to do things. I even had to give him $100 once that I won in writing contests. He said he’d pay me back, and I told him not to. Although I really wish I could have that $100 back sometimes, because I really, REALLY need mney now. But I don’t know if I would nessecarily still have that $100 even if he did give it back, because I probably would have spent it on food and gas. Bulimia is very expensive.

When I binge and purge like all out, it becomes an actual task that I have to plan out. Sometimes, an all night one. I’ll go to once grocery store, and uy something that looks like just a snack for me. Then I’ll leave and go to ANOTHER grocery store to buy ANOTHER thing that looks like a snack for me. Until I have a bunch of snacks that I’ll eat when I’m driving on the freeway. I used to bring my iPod along to plug into my car while doing this. But I don’t anymore, because it makes me sad to hear the same songs I heard while I was f*****g up my life.

So now, I just listen to the radio. And if a song I do like comes on, it’ll make me very sad. It’ll even make me think twice before I go into the gas station to purge, and then buy more food. And then go to another place to buy more food, and more food. And then go to another gas station to purge until I feel like I don’t need anything any more. This, you see, gets extremely expensive. So I’m not sure that I would still have that $100.

Wow, it’s funny that I was just talking about songs. Because a song that’s very important to me just came on. I am trying my best to cheer myself up right now, since I don’t have any Ativan and can’t sleep. So I am reading my favorite book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (for the 2^nd time in 2 days…) and listening to my favorite Album probably, The White Album by the Beatles. And Julia just came on.

My name is Julia. And this girl that I was best friends with in treatment, who is also named Julia, told me about this song. Because her parents named her after it. And her middle name is Michelle, after Michelle by the Beatles. I think that is such a cool name!

Anyway, I remembebr her telling me this. I had heard the song a few years back, when I first started listning to the Beatles.This was also when I liked very popular and convential music. I didn’t care for the song. But I had changed a lot since then, so listened to it again, and loved it. I listened to it all the time before I moved back home. And then when I’d be happy at home, I’d listen to it.  I always dreamed that a guy would play it on guitar for me. And then I’d be ready to cry and kiss him. When I started dreaming this, that was when I knew I was in trouble again. Because before then, I said I didn’t need a guy to make me happy. Therefor, I didn’t need a guy at all, after what had happened with all of those guys.

But then I met Rodney. And I found out that he could play guitar. And kept on hinting how I would love it if someone would ever play that song on the guitar for me. We were even reading over old surveys on facebook, and this question came up that I answered. It said “what could someone do to win your heart?” and I said “play Julia by the Beatles on guitar for me”. Because I thought it was a love song. He read it.

When we first started dating, I lied to my parents and said that we started talking because he played this song for me to win me over. Because that’s really the only way they’d except me dating and sleeping over at some guy’s house. I also told them that we met at a party and stayed up atalking all night. That did really happen, but we actually met at a bar.

It turns out that we’ve been dating for five months, and he hasn’t played it for me. I don’t think he’s even tried to learn how to play it. He said he should have when I broke up with him, but even since we got back together, he hasn’t. I know this is a very silly thing to be upset over. But it is a really, really simple song. I looked it up on Youtube. And he has just never tried to learn to play it for me. Even though he learned how to play a song by the Cranberries on guitar for one of he ex’s. It just stems back to the whole relationship. How he never really did anything to try and impress me. But that’s probably not his fault, since I was probably too easy.

I think about that now with this problem.  That I was too easy. I probably was. But easy or not, he has a new job. That pays really well. He applied for it after another time that I broke up with him, right after we got back together.  And he got it.I was really excited because I was happy that he was going places, which was making him happy. Because I always love him, but he is one of the biggest dicks in the world when he is angry.

The job has really weird hours though. Because it is a job at an insurance company. This week, he is working from 8-4 everyday. Then next week, he works form 11-7. The week after that, he works form 12-8:30. Which is really horrible, because I have summer classes every morning from 8-11:30. And then on weekends when he is off, I am going to be going away for competitions most of the time. And I have to study, as well. And I don’t even know howI’m going to make that work because what if I stay in this depression when I’m going back to school?

What if I am still really bad in my Eating Disorder? Because ot only is it expensive, it is also very time consuming. Because you feel ungover the next morning, afer you wake up from a night of ninging and purging. You feel empty and hollow and want to do it again, even though you know that you’re just perpetuating an endless cycle of hell.

When you’re in this endless cyle, it’s like everything is gray. Life is really all dark, but you’re so used to it being dark all the time, that darkness really isn’t even darkness. So there’s no light, there’s no dark. Because everythingis just the same. So it’s gray.

And when it’s gray, you want to stay in soffee shorts and cut off t-shirts all day. And lay in bed and sleep, or lay in bed and not have anyone see you. So you don’t go anywhere until night when everyone’s asleep and can’t find out. I can’t be doing that with school.

But I still have been doing it, and to be honest, there’s been some times when I’ve lied to Rodney and told him I couldn’t see him because of other things, when I was really just binging and purging and felt too fat to see him. I can’t really be dong that with him though, since our time is goingto be very limited. And I really can’t be doing that with school, since this is my future at stake, and my parents are giving me money for this

Money though, that is really the root. So I already know we’re not even going to see eachother a lot this summer. Well, we may never see eachother at all this fall. Unless we can move in together. I felt really silly for saying this, but in January, I told him one day that I could see myself living with him. And he said when the time came, we would. And then we really started talking about it. And he said we were going to get out of this town when his lease was up in August.

I was so inlove with that idea, that Ineverreally considered the money. I guess it’s like in the ovies, when they guy pays for the girl. I kind of subsconciously thought that. And I feel like a rotten, lazy piece of s**t for saying that now. But that’s what I thought kind of. Until the day he found out he was getting his new job. Which turns out to be only a half an hour away from where we live. And he said that HE was going to have to move soon. Which confused me because I thought it would’ve been more appropriate to say “we”. Especially since we’d just gotten back together and he got down on his knees with nothing on and told me, “here I am, I am the most vulnerable I can possibly be right now. Because I love you, and you are all I want, you’re all I need.”

So I kind of questioned what he said, and then we inavertendly got onto the subject of money. And I came down to the conclusion that I was goin to have to have my own money for rent, and that I wouldn’t be able to move in withhim unless I had this money. And I felt like a brat for crying when Irealized that I had no way really of getting enough money. I ruined his big moment with the job. But he really didn’t even seem that excited. He never seems excited though. He is so, so serious. And I’m a really intense person, but I like to laugh a lot. Not over the stupid things that he likes to laugh about.

You see, ok, I’m going to come out and say it. There are two problems in my life that kind of branch out and comprise everything. One of the, ofcourse, is my Eating Disorder. The other is Rodney. Whichmakes me very sad to say, because I am really, very in love with him. I thinkt that there is a third problem, too, but I am really not quite sure about that. And I can’t really talk about that at themoment, because then my entire day is going to be in that gray place.