The Switch

Bulimia drains you of everything: your energy, your life, your confidence, your hope, your control. I don’t’ care, Anorexia was control for me. I controlled every cell of my body until I got so sick that all those cells rebelled on me. But with this, everything is wild. Including Bulimia drains you of everything. Obviously, ti drains you of your food. But it drains you of your money, me. Which, really sucks. But again, it brings about some perks.

Because with wild, I can live. When it’s not really bad that is. Actually, when it’s not really bad, it’s really good. Because there isn’t this rigidity about everything. The pieces kind of fall where they may. I can drink until I pass out. I can get stoned out of my mind. I’m not bone thin anymore, and I know that’s nt the first thought that comes into people’s heads when they see me. But I do have really nice tits now, and a really nice a*s.

I remember a couple of months after I became Bulimic, I’d gained a bunch of weight. Becausee I eat so much when I binge, that it’s impossible to purge all of those calories. So they just kind of accumulated. I never had b***s all my life. I always had a decent butt, but I think that was from dancing all of those years. I always wanted b***s though.

When I was about 11, most of my friends had them. Most of my friends had also started their periods. So I lied and said that I’d started mine, too. I didn’t want to be left out. But I had no b***s. I couldn’t stuff my bra, because people would see when I was changing after gym. I bought padded bras, but not super padded. Because it’d look really different when I was wearing a  sports bra, and again, I didn’t want people to notice.

But when every night before I would get into the shower, I would stand in the mirror and kindof take an inventory of my body. I was really skinny, which I liked. I kind of had this really big curve in my back. Because like I said, I always had a nice butt.  I had b***s, but not really. I would just imagine in my head what it would be like to have b***s. To be able to touch them. Like something really right in front of me.I couldn’t wait.

I never got b***s though until I was 19. I didn’t get a period until then, either. And then it lasted forever. I like having b***s now, but I feel so immature, because I wish that I didn’t have a period. I not only lied to my friends about having a period, but I lied to my doctors. Because I know that if I told them I didn’t have a period, they would make me weigh more. And probably forbd me from dancing and running. So nobody except for one of my friends knows that I didn’t get my period until I was 19. Because I still have a hard time admitting that my body wasn’t healthy at 90 lbs. Like I told everyone it was.

Really though, they all thought it was about 105 lbs. Because of my tricks. So very few people actually knew that it was 90 lbs. when I was telling them I had a period. Well, 85 lbs. when I ended up back in the hospital again. When my boyfriend broke up with me. He was an a*s anyway. It took him three weeks to even kiss me. Granted, I was very shy. But I needed the guy to make some kind of a move. I ended up making the first move anyhow.

He never even told me I was beautiful. I didn’t feel like we were dating. I just felt like we were friends. The oly way that I found out was because I asked my cousin, who was in his engineering class with him, to talk to him for me. Because I had no idea what was up with us. And again, I was too shy. Which people that knew me a few months ago have a really hard time believing.

Anyhow, he said to her, “well, I guess that you could say that we’re dating”. So there you have it, we were dating. We hung out just about everyday, since we went to the same college. He got really angry one day because I lied and told him that I was going to stop working out until I gained weight.But he was walking through the hallway that’s above my college’s gym and saw me. He came down and told me to stop. But I didn’t stop. I told him I was just going to eat more.

I would always tell him that I ate a lot at home. And I always told my parents that I ate a lot when I was with him. I wasn’t supposed to be exercising at all incollege, because the cross country coach said that I was a medical laiblitiy. He said that I would remain a medical laibilty until I gained some weight. I couldn’t run like that, and he really wanted me to run for them. So I could get another scholarship and maybe not have to pay for college at all.

Ofcourse, my parents wanted me to gain weight so I could run. And I almost did, because I really, really loved running. Bbut I didn’t love it more than my Eating Disorder. It was really easy to go to the school’s gym on weekdays for a few hours daily, because I’d just lie about my class times. But it was harder on the weekends after I moved back home and had to lie about where I was going when I left the house. I’d tell my parents one day of the weekend that I was going to go and see my boyfriend, and the other day that I was going to get pizza with my study group for chem class. I’d usually see my boyfriend one day out of the weekends, because the other day he’d usually go and visit his family I Pittsburgh. On that day I’d jsust workout and cram all of my school work in.

I did really well in college, from an outsider’s point of view. I was only in college though for a month and a half, which is an issue when the semsester is three months long. I had straight A’s when I dropped out, but had to lose all of my grades. Because all of the teachers told me that you needed to have two thirds of the smester complete in order to receive and incomplete. They felt very bad, but they had to follow policy. I understood. I just really wish now, that I had those grades.

Because I only have three college classes complete. I have a 4.0, but I really do’t consider that special, if you’ve oly taken three classes. Classes that you had to take incompletes in, for that matter. I signed up for classes last summer, and started them right after I started to become Bulmic. I had to leave about a week before the end of the smester; right before finals, because I went to Arizona for treatment.

Arizona sucked though. I really can’t fully describe it now. MMaybe I will later. So I singed out and that really got me into some trouble. The nice thing was though, that I was able to get incompletes in my classes before I left, and finish them when I got home. I don’t really know how I finished them and did “well”, but I did. I was stoned all the time. I want to read one of the papers I wrote, but it was saved onm y old laptop that got smashed. Oh boy…