Some of the Issues

I don’t have a single person that I can really tell everything to. Because I do’t think asingle person could possibly understand something thatI don’t even understand. So I’m just writingthis to take up some time on those nights that I can’t sleep, those nights where I wish he’d be there to try and do something. I don’t like people trying to do things for me. But at the same time, I really wish that they would try and do things for me. Because I really can’t remember a single time in my life when someone tried to do something for me.

I guess that when I was too little to remember my mom did things for me. Fed me, clothed me. Gave  me a house to live in. She still gives me a house to live in. And my dad still gives memoney when he’s in a really good mood. So people do things for me. I need to stop lying and get the picture straight. I need to get a lot of tings straight. Like the things inside of my head that are constantly spinning.

How I have no money and need to get out of here. How I’m going back to school soon, and have no idea whether or not I’m going to make it. The way that I really want to keep my job and do well with it, even though I always end up quitting things. I didn’t used to quit things. Honestly, I didn’t.

But that was then, and this is now. That was Anorexia, and this is Bulimia. No eating disorder is good. But there are some perks involved. With Aorexia for instance you look good. Really good. You feel much better about yourself when you look into the mirror. When you’re out in public. Because you know that, even people think that you look disgusting, they are noticing how skinny you look. They are noticing you. I don’t do this for attention, I swear. But it’s nice to get attention.

With Anorexia though, there are so many limitiations involved. Drinking absolutely cannot happen. Because there’s lot of calories in alcohol, and that’s enough within itself. BUT there’s more to it… the alcohol can cloud your judgement, which means that you might end up eating more. It can also give you a hangover, and hangover’s just aren’t an option when you have to be up at 5:30 the next morning for your workout. Furthermore, alcohol isn’t pure. And when you’re thin, you want to be pure.

It’s this strange, strange but amazinf eelin. It’s euphoric; you’re empty. Your somtach is growling. Your teeth still tastelike toothpaste because you havaen’t eaten anything yet. And when you’re laying down and go to sit up, you can look at your stomach. And see how it’s concave; notice the little bumps where your abs are poppoing out. That’s right, abs. I had a six pack. And veins. And again, I don’t care if peple thought it was disgusting. Because I got noticed atleast. And it’s nice to be noticed.

But again, which kindof goes along with the drinking part. You get no escape. It’s constant vigilance. Becaue you can’t smoke, either. I know that it’s common for a lot of girls to smoke cigarettes (and guys), when they’re anorexic. But I didn’t. And I certaintly didn’t smoke pot. I think I got stoned twice, and I was too worried that I’d get “the munchies” the entire time for me to even enjoy the high. So you have no release, other than when you think about your weight. And even that is short lived. Because you know that you can always be better. There used to be this stupid song that said soething like “fitter, better, faster, stronger”. Well, I would tell myself, around my third workout or so, “Thinner, better, faster, stronger. Gotta go longer”. That’s really dumb now that I hear myself say it, but it got me through years and years without missing a single day of working out. No matter how sick I was… the only exceptions being when I was in the hosptila and literally trapped in a bed.

That’s Anorexia though. Now, it’s Bulimia. I don’t know what exactly fostered this switch. I don’t know what exactly fostered the relapse. I don’t know what even started my Eating Disorder, to be quite honest. And I really don’t want to write about it the entire time. But it, along with him, well it’s the focal point of my life. As pathetic as that sounds. And believe me, Bulimia is a much more pathetic focal poit to have than Anorexia.