Yeah, this is what really happened.

I've been having a hard time lately

Dealing with what's really happened

I put it off for so long

And now it's consuming me

I'm having panick attacks

And nightmares

And can't really escape this

Unless I binge and purge

Which hurts other people

I want to cut again

And I kind of want to die again

But I can't hurt other people...

Because I've already hurt

So many people

And he is the best thing

That has ever happened to me

So I'm trying to be strong...

But the harder I try,

The more it sinks in

The more I drown...

It didn't hurt while it happened,

But it sure as hell hurts to remember

I was a size 00

Working, running, in school

Volunteering

Their little porcelain doll

To put on display

But then one day, I cracked

And everything broke along with me

I binge and purge

I cut

I've done countless drugs

Drank until passing out

For an amount of time unknown

I lost myself within bulimia

Blood, acid, coke, ecstacy

Marijuana, mushrooms,

Everclear, four loko, petrone

Cheap vodkas, cheap beers

One night stands

Where I'd stair at the stars

Begging for it to be over

My body numb

To every touch

Yet suffocated

By the weight

Of every body

I've wasted money

I've stolen money

I've spent days

Draining the gas from my car...

Store to store,

Bathroom to bathroom...

Food permanently glued

To my lips

Fingers permanently stuck

Down my throat

Trapping all of the words

That I've wanted to say for so long...

I'm fat

I'm ugly

I'm stupid

I wish I would have stayed in school

Stayed in dance

Kept on running

Gained the weight when I was supposed to

And then stopped when it was time

Refrained from restricting

Refrained from binging

Refrained from purging

Refrained for mindless sex

Mindless drugs

Mindless alcohol...

Waking up next to random people

With my head spinning

And daylight too bright

Sneaking back into my room

Mascara smeared all down my face

Before anyone could notice I was gone

I wish that I really could just fade away though

And have no one really hurt

Because this past is killing me

The present a knife on my throat

Ready to slice it open

At any second

And I'm ready to bleed

Bleed it all out

The lies

The evil

The train wreck I've become...

Because one last thing

That I never wish I'd done...

Was let him in

Let him love me

Let me fall in love

Because I am me

And cannot predict

What I'll ever do

Even though my heart

Belongs to him

I cheated

And will never forgive myself

Because he did nothing wrong

Only tried to love me

When no one else would

I will take that sin

To the grave with me

Because everytime I think of it

My heart races

And my eyes force themselves shut

I can feel my stomach churning

My face burning

Ready to fall out

Hopefully I'll go

To that grave soon

Because I really don't want to

Wake up on my own anymore

Done

Done

Done...

Sometimes, we just get ourselves in

Far too deep

To ever escape the depths

Of all our mistakes

So I guess I'll just stay down here

Until my soul leaves my body

As I descend into hell

Melting, where I belong

Just please, forget me

And never forgive me

Because I don't deserve it

I don't deserve you

I don't deserve anything at all.

Reviews

[Jb]

use