The oh, so familiar goodbye

My parents dropping me off into a psych ward, again

"Rock n Roll Suicide" in on repeat. And it's going to be on repeat until we get to the damn hospital. Bowie is the only person keeping me somewhat sane right now, and that's not saying much, consdering where we're headed to. I'm really not that upset though. Just kind of numb. I actually wish that I would be upset, I mean after what I tried to do, shouldn't I be the least bit sad? I wrote the not just so blankly. I thought of the people I loved, the people that would hurt, and then wrote what I wanted to say, attemting to do what I wanted to do. That's all that I do anymore, what I want to do.No conswqunces, no reprecussions. Just whatever pops into my head at the moment. So I guess that where I'm headed is a consequence. Good. I deeserve one.

 

Hopefully they won't let me eat alot there. Hopefully I can just pass the tray down the table and not touch the food at all, like i used to do in psych wards. Although back then, they'd make me supplement with a shake of some sorts. but I was 70 lbs. then. I'm not 70 lbs. now. I'm "normal" now. I'm fat now. So I don't want anyone to see me. This is my retreat.

 

F**k look at my parents. All worried. Worried about nothing. I never end up actually doing it. They always find me. Or I throw up. Or it just doesn't work and I'm stuck with tinnitus for a few days. Everyone wants me to suffer. And stay alive. Life is some big f*****g gift, I suppose. I hate it though. It's a f*****g nightmare. Because I wake up everyday, get down on the ground, and start it all up again. Muscles screaming. Body drenched in sweat. And it doesn't even do anythign anymore, because then I go into the kitchen. And erase the past two hours. All day long. Drive around town. Throwing my money away, shoving the sins down my throat. This is wht I've become. There little girl has become a f**k up. Their little girl has been a f**k up since she was 13. So it's time to let go. She should have let me go. I love her, but I hate her for that. She should have just let me go last night.