Three days of no sleep, essientially, the subconscious rambling...

When I was 13, I became anorexic/an exercise addict and was very ill until I was 18, when I had to leave my full ride at college to be hospitalized (again)... I hit 70 lbs. at 5'4" when I was at my worst. I've attempted suicide countless times, cut myself, and have struggled really bad with depression since I was about 8. I went into an inpatient treatment facility for the anorexia last year and after a few months, was doing alot better. Then I slowly started to relapse when one day, my symptoms took a complete 180 and I started binging.

I was really skinny at the time, but started to gain weight rapidly. I had to leave my job and take an incomplete in college (which I later on finished... barely...), and just really started to fail at life. I was always so smart and good... 4.0 student, never partied, listened to parents, ect. But I just went out of control and started purging, sleeping with a bunch of different guys (everyone thought I looked good heavier, which I clearly didn't believe. But I felt I needed to be with these people at the time to feel better...), drinking heavily and doing alot of drugs. I was date raped one night, kind of snapped out of it, and went back into treatment.

I did really well in treatment, ceased binging and purging, and let go of the insecurities regaurding my appearance. Everyone had high hopes for me. But as soon as I came home, I went right back to my Eating Disorder, the depression, and cutting. The only good thing that's happened since I've been home is that I met a wonderful guy who I've fallen inlove with, and he is the only reason I'm not suicidal right now, honestly.

I just feel like such a loser. I tried getting a job and got hired really fast at Chipotle. I was really good at my job, but being around the food all day stressed me out so much that I started cutting more and binging/purging more. So I quit after only 2 weeks. I didn't go back to school this semester because I cannot commit to anything. I can't even commit to writing letters to my friends that are still in treatment that I greatly care about. Everything is a mess.

I don't sleep at night anymore, either. My doctor prescribed me adderall, which makes me feel alright when I first take it, but then I get really agitated later on and cannot sleep. I also have bipolar disorder. I'm fat, ugly, uneducated (well, wasting my opportunities at an education), and just a waste of life. I feel bad that my boyfriend has to have a girlfriend with me. I don't know how he can love me. People say I'm not fat, but I am. I'm pale and have a disgustingly huge nose. And even aside from weight, I have a horrible figure. I can't even commit to exercising everyday. Some days, I'll exercise a ton, when others, I can't do anything, because I can barely function.

I really want to be able to lead a productive life... work, school, family (someday), but I am doing nothing of the sort right now. My diet is completly botched... I either starve or binge and purge... I'm really unhealthy... And just cannot accomplish ANYTHING. I have done NOTHING with my life since highschool, essentially. Because even though I did well in the one ******* semester of college I did take, it took everything I had. And I don't know if I have that in me right now, that drive to apply myself. I sound like such a loser.

I really want to accomplish things but I just can't... it's like every time I think of the things that I need to do, I just get overwhelmed, doubt myself, and shut down. I really, really, really want to die right now. But then I don't, because I don't want to be away from my boyfriend. I don't know how he can stand me being so lazy, ugly, and out of shape. I used to run 80 miles per week and be a championship level dancer with six pack abs... now my stomach is so nasty I can't even look at it. Everyone is prettier than I am, and I feel so insecure to the point where I don't even want to leave my house.

Honestly, I would give ANYTHING to not have an Eating Disorder. So I could lose all of the weight that I've gained, find some sstability in my life, make something of myself, and be able to stand myself. I don't think that I have any future at this point. I really don't know why I wrote this all even, I just essentially have nowhere else to go/no one else to talk to because my parents hate me and I'd just scare/hurt my boyfriend. I love him more than anything, which frustrates me even more sometimes, because he is such an incredible person and deserves someone far better than me.

 

I really have nothing left to say, because I'm sweating and shaking. My eyes feel as though they're on fire. All my limbs are weak. I'm dehydrated because I just purged a few hours ago and my stomach is in pain from binging. I did not want to binge or purge. I tried doing everything I could to avoid it. I tried reading, writing, drawing, going for a drive, eating a bag of carrots, drinking lots of water, but nothing seemed to suffice. So now I've just dissapointed everyone again and should brace myself for further weight  gain. To look even more disgusting and grow even more ashamed of myself. I wish that I could say this stuff to people in real life. I've told my boyfriend a good percentage of it, but not everything, because I don't want to seem like some needy, helpless, selfish, loser. And I don't want to hurt him. That's all I've got for now. I wish that I had the mental compacity to write more.