Realizations

That was the scariest night of my life. I was extremely nervous in the hours leading up to the dose, but then things seemed to brighten up a bit immediately before. I remember being so happy, thinking I was going to be enlightened or something. I had to get some gas before hand, and ended up getting a dollar off per gallon. I filled up my gas tank for a mere $23.51. I thought that perhaps, that was a good omen or something.

We dosed around 4 o’clock… everyone else except for me and him had taken it. It was a red tab that took approximately 45 minutes to dissolve onto my tongue. Everyone said that was a really good thing, that it meant it was really good stuff. I knew it would take about an hour to kick in, so drove back with him to my house. I wanted my laptop so that we could have some music. Everyone just wanted music, and that was when the euphoria started setting in.

At this point, I was really excited. My tongue felt as if it was detached from my mouth, and the world just seemed so beautiful. Everything was vivid- the visuals were definitely spectacular. I kept on thinking about how much I loved him; he kept kissing my hand while we were driving. I was so happy to see my dog when we got to my house, and she was elated to see us. It felt as if it had been years since I departed from home- although it had really only been two hours.

I started getting lost in tasks. It took me about 15 minutes to retrieve my laptop from my room, because everything seemed so enticing. I would just start doing something else and find myself immersed in another world. He had to come and make sure I was ok, and then we drove back.

I couldn’t stop laughing. It was so beautiful, everything was just so beautiful. We got back into the basement and had music. Someone was playing a guitar that sounded just incredible, it was just a perfect sound. He started playing something by Sublime, but then it transformed into something else. I could literally see the sound waves. I could see so much that I could never see before.

One of the girls wanted to listen to White Rabbit. So we kept listening to it on repeat. And she said how you could just float away with it. I really understood the song in that moment, and felt myself drifting off with the music. Then I felt his forehead against mine, his lips against mine, it was as if he was a part of me.

We started kissing. Again, I lost myself in it, I lost myself in him. I could feel myself spinning, weaving myself into him. Falling into him, fading into him. Disintegrating. And then, I’d start to feel sick, like I was slipping away. So I’d have to stop and touch my face, or the ground, to remember that I was real. And we’d just look at each other’s eyes. We were glued to each other’s eyes.
The guy with the guitar looked at us and said, “You too really love each other, I can see it.” And then everyone agreed that they could literally see love around us. I could see it, it was drawing me in. It was warm and safe and right. It just pulled me in. It was so bizarre then, because all the dogs started coming up to him and licking him. We were sitting in front of the snake’s cage, and the snake was against the glass, trying to be closer to him. Everyone said that the animals could sense the love, that they knew where it was. And then the guitar guy said how beautiful this was and how lucky we were, and I almost cried. Because that was perfect.

He wanted me to draw him a picture, so I started. But I kept on forgetting what it was that I was doing. I started to draw a tree, but then someone wanted me to write a song. It was extremely difficult to even hold onto a pencil at this point, so I was struggling. But this is what I wrote down…

“Whatever year this is, there will be no negative feelings from now on. Your parents know how you feel right now, but the will never tell you, because you have to find this out on your own, or else, it will not be your own. This is our time to be our own, to find our own. To see the waves. There are a bunch of waves around, but you really need to open your eyes to see them. They will suck you in, but you do have choice as to which waves you allow to consume you. There are waves of joy, of sorrow, of confusion- they are all there for you to choose. You can get on whichever wave you want, because essentially, everything will be what you want it to be. Everything is what you make of it. Like the floor will move if I picture it in motion. And if I picture everything in pieces, then it will be broken. But if I know in my heart that everything’s alright, then it will be whole again, because my soul shows more than sight.”

And that was what I wrote. Then, in some corner, I put “Some Saturday in July, 2012 I think. The Saturday after the 4th of July. Remember this moment”.

Well, I remember it. Then, someone started losing it. I started losing it, too. Time started lapsing. One of the guys ran up stairs, and I heard someone choking and vomiting really hard. I started to panic. I wanted out. I felt trapped. I wanted to go home, because everything was spinning. And I started to cry; I ran into a corner and started to cry. I thought that I was either in a dream or dead, and that no one could hear me. Then, I thought that nothing I was seeing was real. He never left me though, so I just kept touching his hand. He just kept staring at me.

I was rummaging through my purse; I said I had to call someone. But I couldn’t decide on whom to call to save me. I texted my brother. I texted, “help”. Then, I texted, “help me”, but I had to keep it secret, because I thought that maybe everyone was out to get me, and that they would get angry if they saw me trying to leave. But then, I realized that there was no way for me TO leave. Because I clearly couldn’t drive- I couldn’t stop anything from moving. I couldn’t feel the floor. And my brother would be SO MAD if he had to come and pick me up in this state- if my brother was even real at that point. I didn’t know what was real. Then I had to pee really badly.

So I sprinted into the bathroom- I couldn’t figure out how to turn on the lights, so I peed in the dark. I saw myself in the mirror and almost threw up. I couldn’t swallow anything, I couldn’t control my body. He was standing right outside the door waiting for me though, and I ran back to the corner. I started crying again. Everyone else had gone up stairs, but he just stayed there and looked at me puzzled. I kept screaming, “I need out, I can never find a way out, I’m always trapped. Always, I can never find a way out. Never.” And I started crying so, so hard. I know why I was crying so hard now, because that is how I live my life. Everything makes sense with that now, how I’m always trapped. But I will get to that.

Anyhow, then I started falling. Everything turned into a swirl. Like these big holes started opening in the air. They were trying to pull me in. I was crying so hard, holding onto his hand, holding him. I asked him if I was real, if I was going to die… and then I told him just to not let me go. And I closed my eyes, because I could feel the forces trying to pull me. And he didn’t let me go… then everyone was back downstairs, and I opened my eyes, looked down, and saw that our hands were still intertwined.

Reality came back to me a bit, because thankfully, one of the guys was starting to sober up. And kept telling us that we took stuff, and that was all that as going on. I was scared I was so far out though that I was never coming back, and he kept telling me I would just piss everything out within 24 hours. And then told us that this is why the government made stuff illegal, because it makes you insane. I detested, saying I wasn’t insane, but then this guy reminded me that I was questioning reality a while ago. And I just shook my head.

Time was such a weird concept to understand, because everything felt like weeks. I remember looking at my laptop at one point, being so happy that it was my laptop, that I could remember going to my house and getting it. It seemed like I had left for my laptop years ago, but it was only a few hours ago. Everything was just lengthened, stretched out, so scary. It was eternity. I felt trapped in eternity.
At times, eternity was glorious. And then I would find myself traveling on another wave, where eternity seemed to be hell. I felt like I was during the times in my life when I HAD gone insane- that foreboding. That questioning of when it would end. THAT LACK OF CONTROL. But here, it was different; I COULD SEE MY CHOICES INFRONT OF ME. It was a constant battle against the insanity, the traps, never being able to get out.

One of the girls said that all we are is energy, all everything is energy. And I could really feel the energy. I could feel everyone’s energy- we were so connected. So we made an effort to keep everyone in check. When one person would slip, we would all start to slip. The energy, the dimensions- they were real.

And I came to a realization, with the waves, with the energy, with all of us- with everything. I was trapped; I am always trapped because I just always LET myself be trapped. I don’t let myself see with my soul. Like I wrote. My soul will let me see the waves. The colors- there are literal colors associated with this energy. I can choose the colors I want to paint my life with, I can chose the waves I want to live on. Because during my fight against insanity, I had to keep choosing the waves of happiness, the waves of clarity. And when I would stay on these waves, I would hold myself together. I was seeing beyond the traps. I will not be trapped in life if I can allow myself to see further than the limitations in front of me.
Infinite- the word came up. It came up when we were talking about the energy, the love, how we’re all just energy. We are all infinite if we allow ourselves to be. If we allow ourselves to be limitless and boundless, then we really will be limitless and boundless. We can really achieve anything if we ride the infinite waves. We can transcend. But in order to rise above it all, we have to see above it all- see with our souls. Because that sight is stronger.

So that was pretty wild for me. I remember at this point growing extremely anxious, because I couldn’t wait to piece things together. I couldn’t wait to piece together what was pouring out of me, but I was just not in a state to make sense of things. And I decided that, if I ever did return to a state where I could make sense of things, that God would be real. That He would really be up there, saving my mind. Helping me save my mind, helping me see these waves and ride the right ones.

But I let the anxiety get the best of me; I went with a negative wave and allowed a negative cell to swallow me. I just wanted something to remind me that I was real, I started going insane again. So one of the girls took me upstairs and opened the door to let me see outside. She said it wasn’t a good idea to go outside right now, but then told me, “See, and there’s people out there that aren’t high. And we’ll be back with them tomorrow”. And I asked if I was really coming back, and she said yes. And that made me so thankful and happy.

We went back downstairs, and one of the girls that took a lot more hits than me started feeling it. She stood up and just puked liquid everywhere, and then ran outside. We had to get her and her boyfriend back inside. The girl who took me outside said that the worst was over. I could still feel myself slipping in and out of reality, but I just kept asking if the worst was over. She said that was the trip though, and that it was really intense. She told us to feel the ground beneath us, and I could feel it again. Cold, hard, REAL. Things were starting to become real. I kept my mind focused on the waves of reality, and tried to just watch the waves of fantasy and insanity crash. Part of me didn’t want it to be over, because the waves of fantasy were so glorious, as if there were purely composed of happiness. But I went upstairs with everyone else, none the less. And then, we watched Alice in Wonderland.

I sat by him and told him the story of how the holes were trying to suck me in. And how I really, really loved him. I never had felt so much in my life, because he didn’t let me go. I still am questioning whether or not it was another universe that we entered, or if it was just my mind thinking differently. Ok, I know that it was just my mind thinking differently, but my mind allowed me to enter another dimension almost. A dimension where everything I knew ceased, where I had to relearn myself. Where I had to save myself and really BELIEVE in order to do so.

Having him next to me though, I was just so happy. It was everything I needed right then. I remember earlier, back in the euphoric stage, one of the girls saying “We are exactly where we need to be in life right now”. And I really felt that, it was really resonating within me that we were exactly where we needed to be. I was really, really in love with someone. Sitting next to them, disappearing as we kissed. The psychological effects were wearing off at this point, but I could still allow myself to disappear into him.

The rest of the night is very difficult to remember. It was kind of just a process of slowly regaining mental stability. I made sure to hold onto a few things that I felt during the tip though- the waves, me crying, him not letting go…. The power I felt, literally fighting against my mind. I have been fighting my mind MY ENTIRE F*****G LIFE, and that was the most intense battle I was ever in. I really thought that was it. That I was right there with life and death, which is crazy, because it was all in my head.
It’s especially crazy since I HAVE BEEN fighting with life and death- for years. I encountered my first battle with life and death at the age of thirteen. I was in the Cleveland Clinic- withered away. A 5’4”, 70 lb. skeleton. Nothing was really left of me. I was desperate for sleep, laying there in that hospital bed. I was trying to pray, my hands shaking as the struggled to hold onto Rosary beads.

I finally managed to find sleep, but not the sleep I was looking for. Subconsciously, at least. Because yet, I did want to die at that point. I did not care anymore. I was so starved, so depleted, that I barely had any desire left within my body to continue. But a small part of me wanted my mom, the woman who never ever had given up on me. And that part emerged as death began to set it.

This is still so clear to me, to this day. It was February 22nd, 2006. I don’t remember the exact time, but it was late, probably 11:30 or so. I began to descend into another world. In this world, my body was paralyzed. I could not move, I could not breathe, and I couldn’t open my eyes. However, I COULD SEE. I saw one thing and one thing only. A white light. It grew brighter and brighter, until I opened my eyes, looked at my heart rate monitor, and saw my pulse climbing up from 5 beats per minutes. That was death.

That was one instance, the instance I possess the most clarity of. There have been other instances, the result of suicide attempts and other physical complications. That was the only time I saw white though, because that was back when I was young and pure. The other times, I’ve seen black. Like when I overdosed on Excedrin in 2010.

I remember taking the pills and being so happy. 51 pills. 51 seemed like a good number for some reason. I remember taking a shower at 2 am, waiting for the pills to kick in, so happy that I would die soon. And then death approaching. I felt death as I began to sweat profusely, as my head began to pain me. By body was in such discomfort, my stomach felt like it was burning. I had to go to the bathroom and tried to get out of bed, but just fainted on the floor.

A few hours later, I woke up- paralyzed again. I remember my throat being closed, I couldn’t breathe, and I was choking. The only things I could feel was the sweat collecting on my body. Then, I bolted up and projectile vomited everywhere. The poison spewing from me, the death spewing from me.
When I was seeing that black, I begged God to not let it be over. I promised Him that I would recover (I was extremely Anorexic at that point), and that I would never, ever attempt suicide again.

I didn’t die that night obviously. I did damage my organs though. I did grow very ill, my fever reaching 104 degrees and sustaining itself at that level for a few days. I couldn’t tell anyone why I was so sick though- constantly puking, trembling, just so, so ill. The toxicity trying to escape my body. I wanted to go to the hospital, get checked out. But I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t tell anyone I tried to kill myself.

It came out though, months later. Because I didn’t get better. I got sicker and sicker. Eight months later, I found myself back in the hospital. Back to a skeleton. Dropping out of college with a 4.0, a scholarship, dropping out of life again. I found out that my organs were permanently damaged- my liver and kidneys would never heal. They thought I was going to die. I do not tell this to many people. Hardly anyone. I slipped up at one point and told my dad that they brought the Priest in to give me final blessings, because they thought I was going to die. But I don’t tell that to hardly anyone. Because I didn’t die. I came out of the hospital and went to North Carolina for the first time. And my organs started to heal. They healed themselves by some miracle. Yes, I do believe in miracles. Because as messed up as my body was, it regained health. I healed. And then I got sick again.

During the summer of 2011, I relapsed very badly. Into Bulimia though. I gained a lot of weight. I had been Anorexic for years, and now I was a normal body weight. Because, in spite of my incessant purging, the calories I ingested during binges were still being digested. I really, really lost myself. I allowed my Bi Polar to turn everything upside down. I attempted suicide so many times. I saw the black so many more times. Nearly every night before I went to bed, I would try to strangle myself with a scarf. But I would always release my grip. For some reason. Then, I became so fed up with myself, that I just kind of gave myself away.

I sought sanity through pleasing other people. I allowed people to take advantage of me and do horrible things to me. I became a slave to some horrible demons. And after one of the worst things happened to me, I woke up from the nightmare I was living and went back to North Carolina for treatment. Again. And really, really healed.

It was the most incredible time of my life. I hated treatment before, but this stint in treatment was different. I guess I “found myself”. I let people in, I connected with people. I found worth in myself, worth beyond my appearance. I stopped wearing so much eye makeup. I changed my hair, I burned my clothes. I felt new and ready. And then I came home to watch everything crumble again.
But that was months ago, and I don’t want to go into what happened during those months, or even think of who I spent those months with. Because that person, those months, they occurred on a negative wave. They manifested themselves within a negative cell. And I am choosing to not revisit any of that. Because I f*****g have choice. I f*****g have choice in my mind; I f*****g have control in my mind. I just have to see with my soul.

So right now, I am a little shaken up. I am. Truly, it was a trip. I get why they call it a “trip”, because I went somewhere. Somewhere that was so horrific, yet somewhere that I feel was necessary. I feel so much love for the people that I took the trip with though, because we pulled each other through. We went through something out of this world together, we experienced something unreal. And I feel so much love for him. I feel love for God. I feel love for my fingers as they touch the keyboard; I feel love for my brain, being able to produce the text that is coating this page. I will never do acid again, because with my anxiety and paranoia, I don’t think it’s the best idea. However, I feel that what happened NEEDED to happen. Because everything is a different light now. It is different because I am choosing for it to be different. The waves, they are my freedom. I will only be trapped if I allow myself to be. Everything will be broken if I see it in pieces, but everything will be whole if I can FEEL that it’s alright. As long as I see with my soul, I think I will be ok.

Reviews

[diaphanous]

This is a captivating story. I've had really bad trips before, but I've never been able to articulate them as well as you have here. I've felt those things, seen those images, cried just like that and I'd never been able to put them into words. Reading this, I'm reminded of the significant moments in life, and how sometimes those moments can come from dark and unexpected places. Very well done.