A Dying Façade

What do you do when you can't find anyone to love you?

 

Leaves withering all around me, the branches allow their beloved friends to fall to the ground. They shuffle as the breeze picks up, and I shiver in the cold of the night. In this bleak midwinter, the frost chills my bones. The fog reminds me of summer mornings too long past now. And here I sit: secluded, alone, and left behind.

The Good Shepard chapel sits at my throne in the dead center. The large stained glass image reflects unsurpassed rays of light and splendor on me during the day, though as the night beckons, the light recedes. At night I still hear praises to the high and mighty King. I wonder, do they know this King as well as they know me? If so, I find they know nothing at all. They walk over and past me day by day, never stopping to lose themselves in the softness of my grass or listen to me whisper in their ears. No, you just continue walking by.

The moon above me mocks my loneliness and I secretly curse it for being a hypocrite. I stop to think about all that goes on around me as I sit in the silent night. To no end, surprise prevails over me at those who came to my home. I once fooled myself into thinking that people came to marvel at my beauty. Fool me once, but never again. For I have seen far too many things here to feel a hope or sense of belonging anymore. Imprudent enough to think that somebody could care about me, I sit up here by myself now. I discovered a long time ago that this is all I am, and that I would always be alone.

I guess you could say that I lost all sense of hope and. Past memories of brighter days and a warmer breeze haunt my every thought now, keeping me on the edge until I can almost feel myself wanting to jump. Because they choose to ignore me, they have never truly seen who I am. I fear they never will. No longer am I a picture of serene beauty. You don’t visit me to marvel at what I have become or what I have to offer, or even to stand in wonderment at your incapability to understand all that surrounds you here. I have never felt such despair as I do tonight. Is there no one left that can see through my dying façade? Why can you not feel the promise and the love I bring forth? I long for someone to care, and to finally be seen.

I remember, when I once had faith, that infinite Father Time boomed, and midnight cried out just as the city had fallen asleep. A young couple snuck up and around me, looking for their perfect spot. I welcomed them with open arms, wishing to hear their hopes and dreams. Instead, their own selfish fantasies came alive as they mesmerized each other. I suddenly felt myself turning warm, filled with embarrassment of the soiled ground. But alas, another came to my rescue. Bright as the lights in Heaven, the man shined his fury onto the young couple. The young woman screamed, and I chuckled in the wind.

Now, long after, I have no one to turn to, for no one cares about something as insignificant and lowly as a mountainside.  Above me, the dimming street light that offers my only hope for sanity burns out. Now, left with only darkness, I submerge myself into the harmonies of the night and into a deeper depression, locking out all dreams and hope.

But then, I see a stranger coming towards me. Alone, she gazes around as if in awe of everything. The stars illuminate her hazel eyes and the moonlight captures her moments of pureness. Her feet glide across the path of righteousness and repentance, and I know immediately why she has come. This angel of beauty grazes her hands across my face in the grass, and tenderly sits with me. Closing her eyes, she lies back into the grass and smiles. Oh yes, I see her smile. I have waited much too long to feel these emotions.

Lying in the grass, her shimmering eyes gaze into the stars. She hums a beautiful melody of angels, and the epitome of happiness fills my heart and allows me to once again smile. I embrace her, body and soul, with all that I have left. I feel her heart skip beats as I place my hand in the wind and gently touch her face. But then she stopped smiling. The silence overwhelmed me, and I anxiously waited to see what she would do. I felt childish for acting this way, but I knew that if she would only grant my wish to hear her speak, her words would soothe my soul.

Right when I thought I would lose all the patience I had left, her melodic voice sang out to me and took my breath away:

“Immaculate beauty, light in my darkest of days, speak your grace to me now. Up here, I find solitude in the midst of everything that is going on. Whereas before I felt trapped by the world’s weighty problems, here with you I rediscover myself and all the joys of life. Sitting in your presence, I close my eyes not to forget the heartaches and traps of unhappiness, but rather to finally allow myself to breathe for once. Because of you, I can see clearly through the fog of today to the glorious sunrise of tomorrow.

“I know that each day presents unfathomable problems, but I also know that these emotions you have stirred in my depressed soul have shown me that there is hope for a beautiful tomorrow, filled with singing birds and soft rays of sunlight. Today I glimpsed the end of my own happiness and, feeling alone and abandoned, I felt as though this could be the end of the road. But with you, each problem I faced today burns out, though it had burned me before.

You, my everlasting perfection, have given me the only hope that anyone could have offered. To you, I give thanks, and if tomorrow brings nothing but sadness, I will smile in knowing you have given me the uplifting promise I needed.”

As quickly as she had appeared, she walked over and past me, slowly fading back into the despair and unimaginable problems of every day. With many thoughts about this angelic girl swarming like bees, I came to the realization that she had come to be everything I had wished for. She was my Hope.

*

            Summer finally came around, loaded with disappointment and sorrow. Summer became fall, and then came winter. Once again, I sat and listened to the leaves crawl across the ground as the wind picked apart their limbs, until they had nothing left. Slowly, the frost iced every thought and memory I had ever had of Hope. I grew faint, losing every passionate feeling I had gained, as though I myself was nothing but a crushed leaf left to blow away. I have returned to nothing, just as nothing I once was. Deprived of all the happiness and joy I should feel, I mourn the loss of it all and recede back into myself, closing myself off to anyone and everyone.

            Today, I continue to stand here with past memories haunting my every thought. Often I find that I still want to jump off this cliff of reality and back to a simpler time when Hope was all that I had. But times like these no longer exist. I know that I can depend on no one and that I never will see past the fog of today into the glorious sunrise of tomorrow.  Instead, I succumb to this dreary night, time after time, almost frozen in a memory that I now can’t even be sure truly ever existed.