Hope

Hope is not lost and it's awful

Hope will drive you mad

Hope will trick you if not dealt with

Shot down, eradicated

Burned and salted

Is there ever a place for hope

Other than self-deception

To save an ego who's lost its grip on reality

And if allowed to fester, rot to the soul

Will turn you a drone of its making

Oblivious and out-of-control

Pulling the levers in such a way

That you'll start to believe and rationalize anything for its cause

Hope, what an awful concept

Best case, it changes nothing, you get what you hoped for

Normal case, you're disappointed

And at its worst, it consumes you

It's easy to see where it comes from

It's a distraction from dealing and feeling something difficult

You're never hoping for something when content

Only when there are things you don't what to deal with

Or think you can't handle

I guess there's one thing hope is good for

It's a signal of something deeper

Something in need of work

Something in need of being felt

Something to eventually accept

To move on

Was the pit in my stomach the signal

Or the body fighting the roots of hope growing deeper

Infecting my mind to start the cycle of self-deception

Was "something's changed" actual progress on the root cause from which hope grew to avoid

Or has hope already spread so far and starts telling lies to keep its hold when threatened

Can my hope be explained by loneliness alone

Or must I dig deeper

My gut tells me there must be more

But who knows how many older hopes has, and probably still do, run rampant in the deepest parts of me

Can I ever hope to get rid of them

Or has their root causes been lost to time and are now forever a part of me

Hopefully not, I'll keep digging