The Beginning

A brief writing piece on my feelings at this exact moment. Feel free to read, and relate if you'd like. Thank you for reading

The Beginning:

We’re born, we get educated, we reproduce, and we work until we die. That’s all there is to it. But, for many people these are no easy tasks. They are stressful and often appear unachievable. Life is hard enough, but for many, it’s much harder and can feel like getting stabbed repeatedly, beaten down by sticks and stones each day by others and even the thoughts that are created within oneself. These thoughts can be dangerous, and unfamiliar to viewing eyes of the people around you.

Thoughts can be happy, creative, positive, and loving. But to those sides, there are polar opposites. Thoughts can be depressing, stressful, and negative, each day taking a tole on oneself. Most days, it can be hard to think that everything is just due to stress, or seasonal emotional disorder but in reality, these are lies some tell themselves in attempt to feel better, and make it though the day. In reality, truths cannot be avoided for long. You can avoid obstacles temporarily, but in the end, they will return and you will have to face them.

Strangers. Family. Friends. All seem related in some aspect. Many believe one grouping of these listed care, and some may think and/or know they do. Although this may be possible, when someone dies, everyone grieves for a while, and then forgets and moves on. People only care when its too late, and people only realize what they had until its gone. That’s just the way it goes. We cannot stop these feelings for when people leave our life in some way, simply because we don’t see it happening, especially when its unpredictable, for example a car accident, or sudden death.

I know personally that there are many people around me would be devastated if something happened to me and I couldn’t come back. But, the fact of the matter is that I can’t accept that, and can’t say I care if anything happened to me, tragic or not. Sure, I live every day, in perfect health, and with perfect opportunities surrounding me daily, but I just can’t help the feeling of wanting to leave, and never return, hurting even the best people around me such as family and friends.

I’m not saying I don’t care about their feelings, about them, or anyone’s grieving, I just don’t care if I’m here or not anymore for myself. Living day to day, staying busy at all hours except to sleep, and telling myself everything is going to be okay when its not clearly isn’t the way someone should live, or want to live that way.

Waking up positive, doing what I need to do to survive, and then coming back to a quiet apartment to think about how much I can’t handle anything anymore is eating me alive. Whenever I get back to my hometown, to my family home, I simply just don’t feel the same. I don’t want to be there either, and I often think of ways I can runaway, or just disappear without telling anyone. There truly is no such thing as “home” anymore, which would be a place where everything seems okay upon return.

The lingering thoughts, the rambling in my mind, the being fine one second quickly turns in a different direction leading me down a road to darkness, doesn’t feel good. It feels as if I keep falling down a hole that never ends, or a tornado that never stops, a black hole. Warping me though different types of mental pain each day, there’s nothing I can say to make it better except to say “I’m fine, just stressed”. Those words “I’m fine” , they have no purpose other than to shut people out in a lie, to ensure that really its just a bad day. But its not just a bad day, it’s a bad life now.

A bad life that I somehow got myself into and can’t escape from, a life where if I try to dig into happiness, I just fall even deeper into pain to which I cannot escape. When asked what’s wrong, I truly cannot answer. Or at least in a way that is defined for comprehension, or understanding for the people who truly care. But that’s a brief view on my personal life at the moment. 

Author's Note

This is a personal writing piece, and if you have a negative comment please keep it to yourself. Thank you

Reviews

[Ellianah Ross]

Life can be so dreary when you see it in an ill light. Moving to a brighter light leaves you with a happier mood, a happier soul purpose. Your overview of your personal life was very enlightening.

[Nila M.]

Have you ever heard of "low latent inhibition"? If not, it may be something worth reading about. I can relate to every feeling written above. One point is that I think some people are just way more sensitive the experience of existing and can feel like a painful burden, again check the symptoms of low latent inhibition. The positive side of it is that it can make you feel very connected to your own sense of self and be empathetic and easily understand others. The other thing is that our popular global culture hasn't really created much of a safe place for the people who feel a little different. And most likely there's too many people, to pressure and too much of a disconnect with nature and our simpler more carefree selves. I've found ways to deal with these kinds of feelings (which have been extreme) by finding a creating little comfort zones in my own life and home. I have my books and my instruments and make a very cozy environment for myself that kind of insulates me. Sometimes you just need a buffer. If you're interested do some reading on the character trait I mentioned above and you may find a lot that is familiar. Thank you for sharing such personal feelings. It's good for everyone to know that they're not alone.

[the adventurer]

I love this. I can totally relate to so much in this journal. great job. xoxo

[Robert Parlange]

I suppose this is the part where I tell you “don't worry, things will get better with time.”
Know what? They don't. Sometimes it's one step forward, two steps back. Yea, I know it sucks but that's the way life is sometimes.

You didn't ask for advice, but I'll give it to you anyway. Stand up, turn around and scream. Scream at life. Shout it down. It's a bully. When you stand up to bullies, they shrink away.

I usually don't do this, but you might what to read something I wrote called “Flowers are Dancing.” Hey, I don't get paid for this, you know.

This stuff wasn't negative, was it?

[wordman]

a sad write,life can be great,life can be sad at times !you will pull through