Anxious Depressive Drama

I need attention. 

I don't just mean I need someone to pay attention to me. 

No.

I need something that I can pour my attention into.

Something to relieve my stress. An outlet if you will

But my soul never wants to linger, and my heart never wants to go

I jump from point to point after too short a time to appreciate the wonder.

Or I focus so intently I lose myself and the rest of the world,

I obsess, and digress but never slow down enough just to sleep

I search for something to distract me from my anxieties

I don't want something. I don't want stuff.

I want someone.

Someone to connect. To feel approval

But not as something to possess nor for them to shower me with adoration.

But so I can pour into them also

Some might call this lack of focus ADD.

Some might say I'm too anxious or depressed

They're all connected you see,

Because my brain is short on dopamine

(You know, the thing that makes you happy)

This can cause lack of focus and interest

(Among other things)

But being close with someone gives me focus.

I feel connected with them, I feel approval

I chase the dopamine high.

Every silly text.

Every stupid emoji.

Every goofy grin from reading off a lit screen in a dark room. 

I yearn to be close. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

To be able to touch, but not just with my body.

To feel the curves of the soul. 

I want to feel accepted and understood

I chase my next hit

Because dopamine is addictive.

No like, actually addictive.

It's bad for you.

It's why ADD meds can be really bad

If you also struggle with depression and anxiety.

You stimulate your dopamine production artificially

And then you crash emotionally and physically.

I'm only in my twenties and have literally no reason to rush and find someone because there's time.

But I do it anyway, because my mind has 270,000,000 open tabs and life isn't long enough to look at all of them.

I would say I feel lonely, and that may be true

But I keep saying no one cares about nor wants to hear about my problems

Because I'm just "looking for attention and sympathy"

And I'm self destructive because I constantly think the worst will happen

While also saying I am just being paranoid and need to stop

That's the problem with break-ups when you fall in love too quickly.

Dopamine withdrawal

You receive a daily supply of an addictive substance,

And now you're hooked, but your dealer bailed on you.

That physical pain you feel in your chest?

Congrats, you're an addict. 

I think that's why our generation is so cynical.

Most of us are children of divorce and broken homes.

We were born in a world that had an exponential growth in technology and social innovation

So we're nostalgic for what was, but we've been desensitized to brokenness

Because now we can see it at the push of a button

We pine after what used to be, and we expect the worst

I'm blessed  to have a whole family, but that only makes me feel guilty for having depression

Because what the hell do I have to be sad about?

You see, ADD kids got the short end of the stick.

All the same rules apply as anyone else

we desire the rush, and excitement of adrenaline and dopamine like you...

But our brains don't make it properly like everyone else.

We have to take actual drugs to fix the damage.

And everyone else wants a hit from what we take, 

Because it gives them a crazy dopamine rush.

"Dude this is awesome, it's a super rush, you must love that" 

Go to Hell.

Your super rush is my buzzed.

My crash is your mental breakdown.

Because I have to take it to be at normal levels

You take it for your next thrill.

But every time I get close to someone, I can feel it.

When I have someone I can talk to a lot, it's all I can think about. 

I literally smile from ear to ear every 20 texts over some silly inside joke 

About how if I love her the size of a golf ball, she loves me the size of the moon.

Or about sending post cards from Mars

Or about having book like moments on a bridge

Or about how I better not have any conversations on a rooftop with another girl.

Or some other stupid, insignificant detail

One that after a while they probably forget

But for some stupid reason they mean so much to me.

Stupid texts are the notches in my belt

Because I can't focus on normal things like regular human being.

Author's Note

This one is old and weird, and yea....idk