Bittersweet Sleep

This messy poem is pretty much about the vivid repetitive dreams and sleep paralysis I've had in my life since I was about 6.

Bittersweet Sleep

I wake up to nothing, which is a feeling all too familiar

Life is black; My body empty

Thoughts are racing through my brain

leaving dirty footprints behind

With every step it hits my chest,

creating my pounding and consistent heartbeat.

I'm awake and I'm alive

But I am unable to move the limbs and body I call home.

A twitch of a finger,

a whimper in a voice unable to be heard.

Not by my mother sleeping on the couch, 

Not by my father sleeping next to me.

I awaken after many failed attempts

and darkness surrounds the green of my eyes.

But I do not suffer the same way 

I once did before.

I feel somebody's warmth

Breath

Fingers

Intertwined in mine

So that way

maybe

when I am held down again

by the

darker side of my unconscious mind...

he will feel the twitch

and I'll be brought back

But the pictures in my mind

the feelings left behind

I put blame on the horrors placed in my memory

For reasons unknown do I have 

the repeated dreams of losing 

my own teeth,

biting down

hearing crunch after crunch as I spit them out into my hands.

They say the message is starting anew

If that be true

I am constantly being Reborn

But it's true I want to start again

The images etched into my mind remain

and I can never move them.

It's like they are staying where they belong

So I take a deep breath 

just to inhale the smoke from a cigarette.

These things are melting my brain

but at least when I awaken 

I have these new brown eyes 

and a pack of Senecas in my car.