Oh, My Friend

Winds cease to blow,

The night grows ever darker,

As do you.

 

Clouds shed a tear,

The sky begins to fade,

Like sunset into night.

The roses wither,

My heart cries.

It cries for you.

 

Swiftly moving

Are the waves that you are,

Fading without a trace.

 

Silence grips the night of day,

As you wither away,

Forever lost.

Author's Note

I wrote this poem two days ago. What do you think?

http://tlng.me/17iEnfZ Please vote for it! Thank you to whoever does! Also, please spread the word! Thanks!

Reviews

[Rick Puetter]

Yes, simple. But simple is difficult. and so hard to have profound consequence. This was nicely done. A friendship withering away. We all can relate to that.

Best regards,

Rick

[Treble]

Thank you so much!

[Tayler]

I really like the comparisons you have in this. (: It is a beautiful simple piece!

[Treble]

Thank you so much!

[J.R.H.]

The wind ceases to blow,
And night grows ever darker
As do you

Clouds shed their tears
While the sky fades away
- A sunset at night

The intent of this poem was great. It's just the way words are placed that can make it better. I took inititiative and showed you how I would have placed them for the first two stanzas, but at the end of the day, the words are yours. You just have to polish them until your hand bleeds and your heartaches. Thats the only way you know it's good. Also, read the work of others and critique them as much as possible.

Hope that wasn't too much. I saw you wanted help on your about me.

[Jimmy Osbourne]

Poem's okay. The phantom lover. I've been reading a lot of Tolkien lately and so...that's kind of what you're being compared to. But...I liked it. It was nice. You should charge money to people who read this.

[Treble]

Thanks so much! Ha ha, maybe I should! :)

[Eileen]

I like the poem but I wish you stayed with the repetitive theme ending with "as do you" I also feel at the end when you started rhyming it threw the rhythm off. Otherwise I like the focus on nature throughout the poem.

[Treble]

Thanks! I'll try to fix all those things! :)

[Treble]

Is this version better?