The skies.

A poem I wrote about love when I was depressed. Please comment. No rude comments, only constructive criticism please! Thank you, ~Casiel

The skies will be cloudy,

and the clouds will be dark.

All the darkness will fall,

like rain on my heart.

 

My blood has run cold,

I feel so distraught.

But nothing can happen.

All I've gotten is got.

 

I should have contemplated,

from dusk until dawn.

Just how I situated,

to be heartless and gone.

 

And I'm sorry I lived,

and I'm sorry I've died.

But even if I stay,

I'll only make you cry.

 

I'm happy for the laughs,

and glad about the smiles.

I always will keep with me,

our love.. which went through trials.

 

You never will forgive me,

please know I understand.

I hope everything gets better!

I'm off to a new land..

 

~Casiel Wintermoon

Written: 5/22/08

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Constructive criticisms? It would be appreciated. I think I wrote the context pattern of rhyming well. What do you guys think?

Reviews

[Mel]

This is really beautiful. The words flow well and I really feel a heavy sadness underlying with hope. There are some things that need editing [like the line 'and I'm sorry I'll died'. The 'I'll' makes no sense] but otherwise, I really enjoyed this poem. My favourite verse:
I should have contemplated,
from dusk until dawn.
Just how I situated,
to be heartless and gone.
Great job, keep it up.

[Phoenix Alleena]

Such a good poem!

The only thing that made the flow
falter a little
"All I've gotten is got." But I completely understand why you used it.
The tone and theme of the poem is apparent, and I think it's well written,
and understandable. Great job. Keep at it, kid.

[Wildecat]

I think you did a wonderful job, I totally enjoyed reading your poem,.

[Travis Love]

Thank you guys for the kind words, I'll add more soon, and thanks for the "I'll" it was a typo, hehe. ^_^

It's edited now

[After the Blackbird Sin..]

Yeah, it rhymes well, the meter is off at spots though. And it could use just a touch of editing - "I'm sorry I'll died". But other than that, it's kinda humorous. Nice job.

[Ian]

It good man, keep adding stuff

[Travis Love]

Point taken and received! Poem edited. Thanks hon =)

~Casiel

[Violet Rose]