WORDS

the heart sometimes speak louder than words can ever say

WORDS

There is a great song called time after time, the title alone is a statement.  I have done a gazillion things wrong, and any rights I have done is washed out to sea.  SO many lefts and not enough rights.

You see someone who is callous, hard, selfish, mean, and full of barriers

I am just me. I am screaming for you to see that. I have a huge heart, I have feelings, I am not made of steel. I don’t meaure my time and what I have given in percentages, I have done so so so so so many things

 I have done so many wrongs, but I am real like you, I feel like you, I do have a heart and it bleeds as much as yours.

You will choose to believe, see, feel, and think what you want

So why why why do I need to speak…

You think like a cop, you see me like a criminal, you ask me the same questions over and over, hoping I will change my answer, hoping to see I will leave a detail out, hoping to get to the answer you are looking for

Then what….

I do see you for you, I do know what it is you feel… alone, angry, hurt, disappointment, frustration, and as you reach into the bucket of why searching for something, you come up with nothing, except lack of sleep and the mind won’t stop asking questions, the nightmares won’t stop, when I leave will it ease your pain? Will you miss me? Will you finally sleep and feel at peace?  I know the answers, more than you give me credit for. I do know pain, loss, fear, and what my heart holds and will only hold for you. This was our home, we built it, we thought out every detail, we were to grow old in it, I have made it into a house and sank the home we once shared.

I do see what I have lost, I do see what I have caused, I do see the pain that is in front of me, I do see I am too late..

I am hoping one day your heart will mend, one day you will forgive me one day you will see how deep I feel for you and only for you.

I know I was given endless chances to redeem and repair, and neither was done. I do know a bit about what you are feeling and what you must be enduring. 

Wether you believe me or not, I can’t begin to say how deeply, truly sorry I am for failing you. For failing you as a person, as a wife, and all I should be.

I know words are words, and my actions speak volumes over what is written or said.  What is done is selfish, and wrong in many ways, what is missing is you, and for me to tell you what is going on in my brain I must start with closing my eyes, and seeing you alone, scared, angry and wondering why…

Words are easier written than said for most complications, does it have to be that way? All I have is the will and want for you. And those are no words that are empty and lower to any meaning, or measuring you see fit, words are things I can not explain. 

Sorry doesn’t cover the scratch in the surface, the depth it has to be felt to know its real. Words are just that, words are raw, deep and sometimes what is not said is screaming to be heard the loudest.

Like Edgar Allen Poe in the book of Usher, the castle is not decrepit, and old, but transparent, a sinking of the heart, a heaviness that lays deep,  a detachment of sorts. Although you think you see me, I am just hollow. Your words ring true the failures I have brought to you, the failures I have brought to my life, I am Poe, I am hollow and transparent...