Translations of Dark Energy

Feed me in packs of 20
Ignite the threshold
Fill me from within
Until you hear it...

A conscience calling to you
Trough your rescue smoke
It's words vibrate in waves
Beyond your perception
Reverberating in patterns
Of your particle-blood

The transliteration spills the mourning for your neglected tears; a hapless soul bears witness to its lost, wayward other, as it screams silently into the dark, praying that the gravity of its connection and care will collapse the fabric of space, so you can reach into the void and grasp that faceless, yet warm, familiar hand to realize you've never been alone, that your fear of the unknown is a longing for change that struggles for release.

Exhale

A smokescreen shines upon your spirit strings
Their binds of sorrow enlighten
As they embrace your longing cries; unforgotten
A dark caress renders you painless
The bonding force from within
A soulforged awareness

Reviews

[felioness]

The block of words was off putting to me. I think breaking it into stanzas would create a better vibe and impact the words. Edit useless words to get succinct wording that crates a rhythm, watch for grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors that detract eg.

Feed me
in packs of 20,
break the threshold,
breathe in.

Your conscience calls to you
through your rescue smoke.

Its words, vibrating in waves beyond
perception, reverberate through patterns
in your particle-blood.

The transliteration spills
in the mourning of neglected tears.

A hapless soul bearing witness to its loss,
a wayward other as it screams
silently into the darkness,
praying that the gravity
of emotional understanding and care
will collapse space and time long enough
for you to reach into the void
and grasp that faceless yet
warmly familiar hand,

... realizing you've never been alone.

it's your fear of the unknown that is really
a longing for change as it struggles for release.

Exhale.

Sorrow and pain have never cried in vain.
New paradigms of love and beauty are found
in their wake.



In my opinion this allows the reader to feel the power of the words ... to ponder on the the thoughts your words incite. And they are beautiful words. Of course you can set up stanzas as you feel fit. This was just an example.

[transentience]

Hi, yeah, wow, I completely agree with you and am so appreciative that you took the time to break down my convoluted esoterica and impressed by your ability to restructure it into something more meaningful.

This was really just a spontaneous stream of consciousness writing, so I wasn't even thinking about structure or how it reads to others, so thank you for magically coming across my writing and being enormously helpful! :3

[felioness]

It is a pleasure ...loved your words!

[Einstein Noodle]

hmm me thinks its the sub conscience calling more than the conscious ;} i like the substance of your poem ..and i like the language ..it teeters on the completely non-understandable to the "i get that" and i got this" ;) the conflict of spirit and mind is what i read into the theme of this one .. but i am bent that way anyway ..and i really enjoy your title reference to dark energy .. if science is where the reference comes from .. this is one to read several times ... so i did :)
E.
ps it has been so long since i had smoked i had to stop and think if there are 20 to a pack .. and perhaps your referencing something else
oh .. and i am glad for the closing on love and balance as i am an idiot optimist ;)