And Then There Was Night

Another's deadly Fall

At first there was darkness

A void of the unknown,

But known to One

Settled in the midst of his kingdom

 

A creation there was to be,

And a creation he made,

The darkness was gone,

But Another intended it to return

 

The One who knew all

Looked at his dear creation,

All he saw was good

And it pleased him to make one last thing

 

A man, one with the breath of life

Breathed right into him

By the One himself,

And so he created something in his own image

 

But Another saw, was disappointed

And couldn’t stand the light,

So Another slaved over a scheme

That would return the night

 

One was content with his new creation

But realized that something was missing,

A companion to help the man

To accompany him as his days were lived

 

So a woman came to be

Out of the man’s own rib,

And One walked with them

In the Paradise he made

 

But Another hatched a plan

To get rid of this life,

A life eternal,

A life with no night

 

And so the fruit

Which they were forbidden to eat

All of a sudden looked very good,

The woman gave in and took a bite

 

She handed a piece to the man

As One looked on

And they quickly reversed

His master plan

 

Oh, Adam!

If only you had known

What you were about to do

Maybe you wouldn’t have taken it so soon

So fiercely and swiftly

The night was returned,

And life eternal,

Was no more

Author's Note

This was quickly thrown together for an English Language Arts test.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

You made a old story. Short and to the point.
"So fiercely and swiftly
The night was returned,
And life eternal,
Was no more"
With old age. I believe man didn't need woman to be able to mess-up his world. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Riley Justine]

Thanks for the criticism!
Do you mean that man would've messed up the world without women? Or that woman messed up the world and men don't need them?

[Coyote Poetry]

Men would of mess-up the world. They are driven to destroy all things that are beautiful.

[Jamestown]

This is a fantastic new and fresh take on Adam & Eve. This is a wonderful piece in all
faucets of writing, from format, wording, execution and message, I take my hat of to you,
Thanks for sharing and b-blessed! PTL!!!

[Not here]

Well I know alot about the Bible, even if im no the greatest christian ever, and i think this was a really good piece of work.

[Riley Justine]

Thank you so much darlin'. It means a lot :)

[realmwriter]

You should be proud of it. It tells the story of Adam and Eve in a fresh and interesting way. I really like this. Jack Wolfe makes some good points about repetitiveness. I agree with him only in that if you do repeat words they shouldn't be repeated so close together. I would also avoid repeating entire phrases as well, not that you have done that here. If you do repeat a phrase, usually only do it once. Though more often can be fine so long as it is in support of the piece as a whole and not just because you like the phrase. Anyway, great job here.

[Riley Justine]

Thank you for the critiscism

[realmwriter]

Well It's not really meant as a critique. I actually really like the poem. Not supposed to come across as mean anyway.

[Lizzie Mitchell]

I love this! Your creativity always shines through your work.
From the irony in the title to the metaphoric theme to the choice of line spacing.
This is awesomeee.
Keep it up!

[Sami Khalil]

A good take on genesis. Glad I visited...:)................

[Riley Justine]

Thank you!

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)..........................

[xhannyx]

WOW! This was amazing! I loved it!! Ugh writing goals^

[Riley Justine]

Thank you so much! It means a lot!

[xhannyx]

no problem(:

[Steph]

I really enjoyed this! It all flowed really well and had some really good imagery for something that was quickly thrown together.

My favourite line is
"A creation there was to be,
And a creation he made,
The darkness was gone,
But Another intended it to return"

[Riley Justine]

Thank you!
That's one of my favourite lines too :)

[Dannyisawriter]

This was pretty good!!!!!!!

[Riley Justine]

Thanks Danny!

[Jack Wolfe]

At first there was nothing (but) darkness,
A void of the unknown,

I would omit ‘but’ for fluidity.

At first there was nothing, Darkness,
A void of the unknown . . .

A creation there was to be,
And a creation he made,

(Try and avoid repetitive words and starts in your verse, e.g. A.A. and Creation/creation in close proximity)

The darkness was gone,

‘But (Another) intended it to return’, to emphasis (another) place it in italics, or ‘another’

The great Adam and Eve, Paradise lost, and the battle of wills between two great powers. I enjoyed this, my main suggestion would be to watch repetitive phrasing as noted above, you have several uses of repetition, one/one, breath/breathed, another/another . . . Mind you these are just suggestion feel free to dismiss them if you don’t agree. I hope this helps some.

[Riley Justine]

Thank you! The repetitiveness is meant to be there, just a poetic technique different from your preferred ones, I guess.