Princess

Tonya, tall, slightly overweight, face soon forgotten, name unknown to all around her. Lank brown hair, dull brown eyes, hides a potential unknown even to herself. Huge feet plod down a dark hall. “Wake UP!!!” her undistinguished voice calls. Picking out clothes for the day, she sees her manly hands, lets one crystal tear, her only treasure, fall. Swearing to herself again that it will be the last one she loses. One last look in the mirror, her whole heart and soul wishing for the magic to be real, for the lost, hungry eyes in the plain face to change…

“Cathrine” the name whispers across her mind. The Lady of Dreams, Nobility, Great Lady, graceful in movement and words. Long fire red hair. Eyes, two luscious jade pools deep enough to drown in, hands with no scars, no manliness, and no rock hard calluses. Fingers dance gracefully over the needlepoint, lady’s art. Honey skin, soft as the day it came into the world, never mistreated by cheap clothes, or harsh bargain bin soap, unlike…

Tonya slips onto the dollar store shirt, pants, and shoes. Under cheap threadbare material, her chest tight with uncertainty, heaves in breath after breath. Trailer park air smells of beatings, arguments, fights, garbage, hunger, and human desecration, waits for her out side the door. Must she walk in the mauling, bruising, tormenting mass? Cheeks red, head low, Tonya wades out of the trash into the cleansing rain. She walks away, the rain dissolving her colors into a uniform gray.

Author's Note

its not really a story or a poem i am not really sure what it is but i like it lol

Reviews

[Kimmee Jean]

i guess you could turn this into an epic...
make it around 100 lines or so and maybe some editing and stanza seperating i think you'd be good

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

This is a good start to what seems to be a story, kind of a prelude. The things that I am going to say to you are just suggestions and you can make of them what you will; take them or leave them. =]

"Tonya, tall, slightly overweight, face soon forgotten, name unknown to all around her." --- Try rewording this a bit to make it more clear, such as: "Tonya is/was tall, slightly overweight, with her face soon forgotten and her name unknown to all those around her." The way you have it right now just sounds incomplete; as if there was suppose to be something more. I put is/was in there because I didn't really notice whether it was past or present tense.

"Long fire red hair. Eyes, two luscious jade pools deep enough to drown in," --- "Long, firery red hair with two luscious jade pool eyes deep enough to drown in" [remember just ideas]. =]

"Fingers dance gracefully over the needlepoint, lady's art." --- "the lady's art."

"Honey skin, soft as the day it came into the world," --- "as soft as"

"Tonya slips onto the dollar store shirt, pants, and shoes." --- into not onto.

"her chest tight with uncertainty, heaves in breath after breath." --- "her chest tightens with uncertainty; heaving in breath after breath"

"Trailer park air smells of beatings, arguments, fights, garbage, hunger, and human desecration, waits for her out side the door. " --- "The trailer park air, which smells of beatings, arguments, garbage, hunger and human descreation, waits for her outside the door." With beatings, arguments, and fights; all three of these are related and it's redundent to use all three. fights could be beatings, fights are arguments.


Thank you for sharing.

[flaneur]

"Swearing to herself again that it will be the last one she loses."

This is my old friend cognitive dissonance, who I recognize despite her many disguises. She knows that who she is, and what she does, is not where she wants to be in life. The conflict is internal, person vs self, but also external, person vs her surroundings. She is a nobody, an underdog, a passing glance easily forgotten to everyone but herself.

One of the greatest pleasures I get out of reading is to watch the subtle transformations of a character as the story progresses. By the end, it's interesting to see what parts changed and what parts remained the same. I hope you do more with this character, she has alot of potential as your story's protagonist.

[J.P.O.et]

It's cool I like it too
It's like a description of a tortured character, your description really
makes me feel for 'Tonya', and 'Cathrine' is like an alter reality where she is
everything not realized in reality
Could be expanded into a short story maybe, but the initial character and idea
here is interesting
J.P.O.et

[[untitled]]

I like it its like an excerpt from something more. You make me feel her pain. I have felt that pain before. The pain of low self esteem. I want to hear more about this girl I want to know about her day and things in her life. Please write more i would love to read it

[shebly]

"She walks away, the rain dissolving her colors into a uniform gray." best line ever. This is the second thing I've read from you and the second one I've liked. I don't suppose you'd mind if I added you as a friend?