1/8/13

she sat, re-reading everything, wondering where it had all happened, when it had all started. "i don't think i've ever felt this empty."  it wasn't just because she'd had the flu all week and hadn't eaten anything till today. she felt devoid of her very soul, like her body was imploding on itself from lack of emotional contact, or over exposure of the painful ones. she couldn't decided. she'd fallen in love with the one person she wasn't supposed to, had promised she wouldn't. she'd let him know and he'd turned her down as she'd expected, but she'd accepted it, like she always did. she didn't fight for things she felt she had no way of winning. but then one of the people she had trusted with her secret had used it, used her in an effort to 'help' her with this unrequited love. that persons helping had however made things so much worse. had ruined things for him with a different girl and ruined things with them as friends because his trust had been breeched. 

even now he was still blaming her for this, and she agreed because it was partially her fault. yet he was still talking to her. "i don't know whether we are okay or if he just has no one else that can understand what's going on." she didn't mind talking, she was honestly upset for him losing what little bit of happiness he had seemed t find in this long while.  "why do things have to be so god damn difficult?!" she yelled. 

this had been a great beginning to the new year. she'd gotten the flu, lost the one good thing she did have going for her and lost one of the only friends she thought she could trust. it said so much for the months to come. what she had hoped for was to finally let him go, him finally finding what he wanted, and her finding a new pocket of happiness' even if it would only last a short while as this had. if truth be told, she'd love to go back to 6 months ago, when everything was okay with him, between them. 

she rolled over, closing her eyes once more. the tightness in her chest spread through the rest of her body, pulling into the center of her yet pushing out at the same time. the push and pull was making her dizzy, nauseous , light headed. all she wanted was for it all to stop, to be able to breath again. "but that can't happen can it, you can't let me have one f*****g day?"  she spoke in her pillow, the tears starting. she hated feeling like this all the time, helpless, hopeless. the only thing she had to look forward to was when she got out of here, away from all this, forgot everyone, everything. "but i won't forget him." she whispered, gasping breaths past the rising bile in her throat. 

calming her breathing, pushing the bile back down, she forced herself to sleep, to close her eyes and let it all go for a few short hours. "just for tonight, let me forget."