1/4/13

the beginning of a new year is the beginning of new late-ngiht streams of thoughts; here's the first of those

this all started because i was miserable, so it only makes sense that it would end with me being miserable as well. she couldn't help but think this, wonder if this is how it would always end, as it always seemed to.  things had started out good, in a sense, even if they had started because of a previous bad ending. only recently, with things ending again, a new ending, had she realized, nothing had really changed. she'd let herself become one of those people, one of those girls, the ones who read too far into every word, every action. she'd made up in her head things to be more than they were and too late did she finally accept the truth. she'd prided herself on her rational thinking, still did in most situations, but she'd let this one get the best of her. she had let her heart do the thinking for her. though it didn't hurt anymore, she still beat herself up everyday for wasting so much time trying to change things rather than taking them as they were, and finding what she wanted more of else where. now there was nothing to enjoy, not even those few moments of happiness. "all because i let him get to me." she said out loud, throwing her arm over her face. she didn't want to just lay here and wallow in this depressed state. the anger welling up inside her made her want to lash out at anything around her, but that wasn't productive either. "even if it would feel amazing." and it would to. slamming her fists into the wall, even if the concrete broke her hand, it'd be a welcome pain. she couldn't though, because that wasn't an injury you could hide easily. a broken heart on the other hand, no one could see that. no one could worry about that for you. the bigger issue she had than worrying about her heartbreak, was over judging. every thought running through her head, she scrutinized as though someone else was listening or reading them. judging her quietly for being too whiney, too dramatic, too self involved. that was why she believed she helped others so much, rather than finding happiness herself, why even now she was happy for him finding someone, because who was she to try and change his feelings? to tell him how she really felt about him, when he'd told her he'd found someone who meant something to him. she told herself, made herself believe she was happy that he was finally happy. "i am aren't i? that's what i've been telling him." she shrugged, wiping at her tears. "and of course i was stupid enough to think things would change." she felt the self loathing coming on, the judgement. every air of confidence she gave off, that other perceived, that was a carefully practiced act. so well performed in fact, that when ever she did try to let someone get to know her, they didn't believe how little she thought of herself, how afraid she was of their rejection. she laughed at herself every time. "because what am i supposed to do? show them my vulnerable side, let them know the best way to get it so they can f**k me over faster?" and how could she not laugh at that? that's what people expect. they wanted to see the real you, to know the real you, but if you show them they either don't believe you or they use you. she'd been used enough. she'd learned the game. now she put up a front, begot friends, but nothing more, because no one wanted to get close to someone who had no humility. someone who didn't seem to have any compassion for others pain. she did care though, understood more than most. she wasn't however going to go around with her heart on her sleeve, letting everyone in on her dirty past. they could take her as she was or leave it. "i'm done, i'm finally finished." if no one else was going to try then why the hell should she.? she sat up quick, running her fingers roughly through her hair. "i'm just done...."