Good-Bye

short story, part fiction part non-fiction

"look, i know what i said and , at the time i was saying i meant it. i didn't think i would fall for you i didn't think i'd fall for anyone actually, but low and behold, as usual I'm wrong and everything is fucked up now." she punched the door of the closet once more. "i do mean what i said, i would much rather keep up what we've had then pretend it didn't happen, than to stop all together. you've found someone though, someone you actually do like 'like that'." she used her fingers to quote the last words. resting her head against the wood, she continued to pump her fist against the door in a steady rhythm. "i am happy for you, i never lied, and i do want this to work out for you because you deserve this, you really do after what that b***h did to you. you are one of the most amazing people i've ever met and you deserve to be happy." she turned her head to the side to look at him. "i know I'm probably making you really uncomfortable with all of this, but i couldn't keep it to myself anymore. i wanted to, don't get me wrong, i never wanted to let this all out, but with everything thats happened recently, keeping anything in anymore isn't really an option for me." 

he shook his head in understanding. "i know the details. you have to admit i did tell you this would happen though, so i was right for once." he smiled trying to lighten the mood. 

"don't make me laugh." she smirked, falling back the few feet onto the bed. laying an arm over her tear stained face she let out a long sigh. "i was actually okay with it, when you finally admitted why it was stopping and not just skirting around it again." 

"yea, sorry about that, i just didn't want to hurt your feelings, like i said. regardless of what you said i knew it had to hurt." 

"yea, you were right, i know. you usually are even when i don't admit it.: she stuck her tongue out at him. "but seriously, i was alright with it, sad yes, but not broken hearted. what really did it and has been driving nuts these past couple of weeks is that not even forty-eight hours after telling me you don't want to do this anymore because you found someone you like-like, you want to hang out, which we both know never ends without one of us starting something sexual. then when i question you about it, all you have to say is you just thought we could have one last time, like it's no big deal, when like you said, you knew i was hurting. why would you think that would be okay?" she felt the tears streaming down her face again.

he watched her lift her arm from her face, tears in her eyes as she looked at him for answers he didn't really have. "i honestly don't know, i guess I'm just selfish. obviously I'm not the amazing guy you think i am if i knowingly hurt you." he shrugged, what else was there to say to that. he couldn't give her the answers he knew she wanted. "i like you a lot, i do, and you're great, an amazing person yourself, but i just don't.... like you like that, yea know?" 

"yea i know, i don't need to be reminded." she sighed heavy again, sitting upright before standing and taking a few more whacks at the closet door. "you know, i've never taken out my anger on anything or anyone really except myself before." she laughed. "i have to admit, it does actually feel pretty damn good, though the neighbors probably think someone is dying over here." railing back her leg, she kicked the door hard, making it snap open and hit her in the knee. falling back onto the bed in pain. "f**k that hurt."

"are you alright?' he asked rubbing her knee.

"yea, just weak knees, you know.' she winced when he squeezed a bit too hard. "look you can go, i know this is a bit much for just f**k buddies. i got emotional when i said i wouldn't and i shouldn't have let it happen. i only wanted to let you know i don't think i can be just friends with you. things will still be the same at work, we both know i can fool anyone there, even with my poor acting skills around you." she smirked a bit, looking up at him. "you've been a really good friend and, i wish i could handle this but i can't, at least not right now. maybe with a little bit of time to forget, hell maybe if you could convince me you were an actual a*s hole i could let it go, but i doubt thats possible."

"do you want me to go?" 

she shook her head. "i hope thats not a serious question. we both know i'd never let you leave if i could, but you should, for both our sakes. because if this," she pointed back and fourth between them "happens again right now, i don't think i'll be able to face you again. even with a fake smile at work."

he nodded, standing and grabbing his stuff off the dresser. he always removed his pocket contents when he entered her room as a pre-curser to what always happened. in all honesty he didn't' want to leave either, but knowing the truth, that he couldn't give her what she wanted, he didn't feel right using her. "you may not believe it, but i am sorry, for hurting you."

"of course i believe you,. you aren't the bad guy you think you are. i let this happen just as much as you, more so even. i wanted you, even knowing i was losing the battle with my emotions, because i'd rather have you in that way than no way at all." she smirked with a shrug. "guess I'm just a gluten for punishment."

"i guess so." he stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, wishing there was a reason to stay longer, he didn't want to leave, let alone leave her like this. taking the few steps back to where she sat on the bed, he leaned down and kissed the top of her head. " i guess i'll see you at work."

"yea, see you at work." she sniffed back her tears long enough to look him in the eye. "thank you, for all of it. you really are the best, so don't let any of those b*****s hurt you." 

"i'll try" he laughed. turning back towards the door, he took the few steps to it, pulling it open slow before turning back once more. "good bye."

"good bye." she replied. as the door was pulled closed and she heard him exit the apartment, she couldn't but let the sobs finally take her. screaming into her pillows until her throat was raw. the tears choked her as she imagined him getting into his car and driving off to be with her, that nameless girl that seemed to have what ever she was missing. completely void of energy, she curled into the pillows and pulled her bear close, the only reliable on in her life when things came to this. her eyes closed and she gave in to the darkness.