9/10/12

what's been going through my head for the last few days in a constant cycle, i continue to let myself be hurt and perpetually wonder what is wrong with me that i let him do it over and over

i don't understand why i continue to do this to myself, i mean i do in a sense, but not in its entirety. i think i feel for him, with him, closer than i ever have with anyone, possibly cause he's the only one i haven't lied to, haven't had to lie too i guess. and i look forward to seeing him, spending time with him every time, even though i know when morning comes, he's gunna leave and pretend it never happened again. once gain ill be left to wait in anxiousness, my throat constricting, my chest tightening every time i think about the last time. i keep letting myself think that the way he treats me during these times means something, and maybe deep down, the time does mean something, but for now, with the rejection i feel every time he wants to pretend, it doesn't seem worth my time, he doesn't seem worth my time. though i cant seem to give him up even though i know he's bad for me, because i still feel so much. there's a quiet kind of connection, the kind that comes yes from intercourse, but also simply from the physical contact and comfort from another person. i feel like thats what we get from each other equally, the kind of comfort each human being needs, the kind of feeling you need that lets you know someone cares, that your not alone, or that atleast you have someone who will help you pretend, if even for a short while. i honestly wish i could just say I'm the one over thinking and finding feelings where none actually exist, that he is only here for the physical need, but, he's the one who comes to me, in his own shy way, he always finds a way to ask me and make it into my idea, my invitation. i can honestly say that the intercourse is mind blowing, beyond words the most perfect kind of physical perfection, but that not what keeps me up at night, not what makes my heart beat faster with each memory. what gets me is remembering how he clings to me from the moment he steps through that door , for those hours we spend together here, he is mine, he needs me. its the kind of close you hear about in fairy tales and see in movies, the kind of close you only give to someone else when they are your last hope before you finally break down. its not sexual, though i wish it truly was at this point, because then i could let it all go, let him go, give it up and find it somewhere else, but as many people as i've known, as many men as i've had in my arms, in my bed, none have made me feel like i finally found what i was looking for. and the only thoughts that roll through my head every time i feel like i can admit i've found him, i've found my one, i realize how ridiculous that sounds, because it sounds sappy and dopey and realize no one would ever believe me, because he'd never admit it, and that if he actually did feel something, someone might say, that wouldn't keep it to himself, he'd let me know, wouldn't feel regret after he'd left. but if i let myself think that, to admit how ridiculous it sounds that someone like him would feel that way for me, then i wouldn't have anything left, i'd be hopeless.

Author's Note

i like to know i'm not the only one who feels this way, conflicting emotions for someone who has conflicting emotions about you