5/16/12

this is another short late night thoughts writing

she laid her head back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, thinking to herself. "more like screaming inside." she sighed to herself. that's how she felt right now, like her entire body was waiting to burst into one massive scream. everything inside her was taught, pulled tighter with every moment she didn't let go. "at least i know now." she said out loud. she'd been so stupid to think that she could be with someone, especially someone like him, and not get attached. not attached to him specifically, but to what he'd given her. the kindness, closeness, the happiness. even as short lived as it had been, the things she'd felt didn't compare to anything she'd had. they rivaled what she had even dreamed to have. "I'm so stupid!!" she yelled. her throat was tight with the tears she was holding back. her chest constricted with the unreleased sobs. how ever she didn't want to let it out, because if she let it out, then that meant she'd let herself get hurt again, something she had told herself wouldn't happen. that's why she'd chosen this, chosen him. neither of them was prepared for anything, neither wanted anything, but someone to fill the void for a short time.  she hadn't realized that when he was gone, that void would get bigger. another deep ragged breath passed her lips as breathing became harder and harder without needing more. tears weld up at the edges of her eyes. "all i want is to not need someone, to be able to be what i want. can't i just be with someone for my needs and not want to keep them, not want to want them for more. it always leads to hurt and tears and i've had enough. just someone to f**k me at my beck and call then go back to our respective lives, but that can't happen for me, can it?" she thought maybe it wouldn't have been so hard on her now if he'd simply told her three weeks ago that he had gotten what he needed out of their arrangement, instead of skirting around her. the avoiding the subject made her feel like there was something wrong with her, like she'd done something or that she just wasn't worth the time. if that was the case it would make so much more sense. yet she couldn't help feeling, even talking to herself, that she was being whiney, needy and obsessive. she knew she was fucked up. she was emotionless or so it seemed. she just wanted to not have to deal with her emotions anymore, they only brought on confusion and pain in her life. so did people, especially people she had begun to care about.   

Author's Note

this is once more about the same person, i still hope you look at these and feel what i felt when writing them and not who i wrote them about