4/13/12

every once in a while i'm laying in bed thinking to myself about, well everything. this is one of those times. the title is just the day i happened to write this piece.

she rolled back and fourth in bed, trying to sleep, but failing at every attempt. all she could think about was how lonely it was to be here alone. not that she wanted anyone specifically to be here right now, just to have someone to make the quite night less suffocating. it took all the energy she had not to cry, her chest tightening further the more she thought on everything. the past was closing in on her, making her regret things she should not be thinking on anymore, having made all the decisions knowing the consequences they would bring. yet nothing could stop  the shadows from rising within her, making her doubt everything she thought about herself, about the people she cared about. the few people she had made connections with, she still doubted how dedicated she was to letting them in, doubted whether she would ever let anyone try. the problem being she didn't know herself enough to let anyone know her, or at the very least if she did know anything about herself, she blocked it out, not wanting to deal with any of it anymore.rolling over once more she stared up at the ceiling, the stars glowing brightly against the blackness around her. she didn't want to rely on anyone to make her feel better, she wanted to be able to make herself feel whole, but that was never the case with any human being. everyone needed someone. maybe not the  cliche sappy happily ever after romance, but someone they could rely on to be there and let them know they weren't alone and that someone cared, or would care if they weren't there anymore.. the biggest fear of any person was that they were not loved, were not cherished, would not be missed. having never felt like anyone had ever felt that way about her, not truly atleast, it was hard for her to let anyone try anymore. the people in her life were supposed to be the ones she could count on to be there in the end had not met the standards required of them, they had fallen horribly short and there was no way to make up for that failure as much as they tried, she wouldn't allow it. in her mind, her heart, there was a test around every bend and if you failed to pass just one of them, then it was the end. it wasn't that she wanted anyone to fail, not that she didn't want them to try, it was that she didn't want to be disappointed anymore. she'd been disappointed her entire life, so letting someone in to only have them fail would crush her last bit of spirit, the little bit she'd somehow held on to for all this time.   by letting herself think, know that no one could every live up to her standard, she didn't need to get hurt. she curled onto her side, pulling a pillow close, pretending it was him, the one who made everything quiet. whenever he was around, pulling her close and just breathing her in, her mind stopped, her heart became silent, and everything was impossibly calm.  even with all the faults others might see, that he saw within himself, she thought them part of the character that made him into the man he was. the one who was completely untouchable, yet loved to be so close to her anytime they were together.  closing her eyes, she started to imagine his arms wrapping around her, pulling her against him while he pressed his face close against her neck. she rolled back onto her back, letting him lay across her as she cradled him, her fingers running across his warm skin. this was the calm she needed, the ultimate feeling she'd been looking for. breathing in deep she finally relaxed, letting sleep over take her, the day dream becoming more tangible as she sunk deeper into her subconscious. his whispered words lulled her into a secure place, warmth enveloping her until she could no longer tell if this was dream or reality. yet at that single moment, she didn't care. when the day light came she would either watch it rise with him pulled close or wake to empty arms. "But that's not now." she smiled pulling him closer. 

Author's Note

yes this is an inner monologue, and yes it is about a specific complicated person, but i hope you won't let it distract you from the over all story, short as it may be.