You Forever Like That

A moment in time, vividly etched, like a picture flashed upon a screen

Wandering

above the gorge,

up through the narrow,

ragged draw

to high bluffs.

Oh, the north-side moss!

Early pinks, yarrow in feathers!

Dots of white

hid everywhere

among deep gray brush

and red stone.

 

I turned,

to see you

walking up a low rise,

framed against shadow

and sun,

you forever like that,

with gold spilling everywhere

and sage-scent heavy 

in the air.

 

I stood

hushed, still,

but the dreaming of my heart,

fearing I would run to you,

that I would run to you 

and not be able

to say.

 

A moment only

I saw you,

walking over a low rise,

sun spilling everywhere,

and sage-scent

heavy

in the air. 

 

 

Author's Note

edited 5/8/08 - thank you - I appreciate the specifics that help my writing become clearer. TPK

Reviews

[Shara Faskowitz]

This poem has a sensual, almost narcotic quality to it, as if it's a film being played in slow motion. I love the wake it evokes sense images, the sun spilling and the scent of the sage, the bluffs and the moss, the flowers. I think those are techniques some of my favorite poets use--Yeats, Neruda--where the imagery is so strong (and draws on so many of the senses) it lulls you into the setting of the poem. The alliteration is excellent, too. It all works together very well. Just a suggestion but you could subsitute other punctuation (periods or commas) for the dashes. I always struggle with that sort of thing in my poems, but overall I think the less I use them, the better. Just my opinion, and the poem is lovely. :-)

[mick weller]

ah, special moments indeed... I'm on sea cliffs - that's where this has taken me - the last egg blending of sunset... free range... I was expecting gorse but got `gray brush` - so maybe inland hilltop getting the full benefit of the sunset - and not alone - shared special
like a painting... thanks

[[untitled]]

You have a fine sense of place. It is a real strength of yours. Your first stanza perfectly does this. At first we are drawn into the overall place of the gorge and the narrow ... then into the beautifully done detail of place with such phrases as "yarrow in feathers." You evoke perfectly this entire scene. I am able to sense, feel and touch those yarrow leaves so like feathers. I am glad for the comments below for the "surprise" was a place that I was getting lost. Then I tend to be a bit literal and that gets in my way. This truly is lovely.

[mysticgmekeepr]

beautiful imagery. Again such a tender piece, that lay itself down softly on my heart strings and made a gentle sound....moments are like that aren't they?

[Tara]

I really enjoyed this. Your imagery is wonderful. I like the alliteration and the repetition works well here, gives it a dramatic effect. Lovely.

[Mariah]

The end leaves you breathless. I actually felt a fresh wind rush across my face, momentarily. Couldn't explain it. But wow. For some reason I thought it was going in a different direction through the first few lines. But it surprised me. And being surprised is good.