You Forever Like That

A moment in time, vividly etched, like a picture flashed upon a screen

Wandering

above the gorge,

up through the narrow,

ragged draw

to high bluffs.

Oh, the north-side moss!

Early pinks, yarrow in feathers!

Dots of white

hid everywhere

among deep gray brush

and red stone.

 

I turned,

to see you

walking up a low rise,

framed against shadow

and sun,

you forever like that,

with gold spilling everywhere

and sage-scent heavy 

in the air.

 

I stood

hushed, still,

but the dreaming of my heart,

fearing I would run to you,

that I would run to you 

and not be able

to say.

 

A moment only

I saw you,

walking over a low rise,

sun spilling everywhere,

and sage-scent

heavy

in the air. 

 

 

Author's Note

edited 5/8/08 - thank you - I appreciate the specifics that help my writing become clearer. TPK

Reviews

[Shara Faskowitz]

This poem has a sensual, almost narcotic quality to it, as if it's a film being played in slow motion. I love the wake it evokes sense images, the sun spilling and the scent of the sage, the bluffs and the moss, the flowers. I think those are techniques some of my favorite poets use--Yeats, Neruda--where the imagery is so strong (and draws on so many of the senses) it lulls you into the setting of the poem. The alliteration is excellent, too. It all works together very well. Just a suggestion but you could subsitute other punctuation (periods or commas) for the dashes. I always struggle with that sort of thing in my poems, but overall I think the less I use them, the better. Just my opinion, and the poem is lovely. :-)

[Adam Whitworth]

The first verse could be improved a great deal, but I didn't come here to critisize. Its a real poem and I have enjoyed the privilege of reading and applauding.

[amanda1023]

I felt like I was in a trance while journeying through this poem. It was so artfully written... yet it seems that, that wasn't the intent. I just love it. The feeling I leave with is that of watching sunlight either fade in or out of a canopy of trees. There... but not something you can touch. More like you just feel it. I felt this poem.
Thank you for sharing.

[Michelle Tarnowski]

A moment in time, captured in words so clearly that the readers experience the emotion line by line. The gold of the sun reflecting and the scent of sage is still in the back of their minds long after they are done reading. How lovely.

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Beautiful descriptions of nature and the essence surrounding it - I can feel the soft moss and smell the wafts of the sage scented air. Thank you. Quite lovely.
Light,
Siddartha

[Charles Sapp II]

The lush imagery is very potent in this poem. I enjoy the laden overtones of nature's essence dripping from the stanzas and flowing from each word's end. The simplicity strikes a chord that beautifully resonates from the root of your poem. The use of the punctuation is fine, as commas are naturally used as pauses.

[Rainbowco]

Clear, concise, emotional using color and scent to draw me in. One of the best I have read.

[Dani California]

This is very beautiful. It's peaceful nature keeps you throughout, somewhat gliding softly through the poem, and the imagery is perfect so while one is gliding through, they know where they are.

Wow. I am drawn the tranquil quality of this piece.

Excellent.

[Thomas James Martin]

This is a beautiful moment that you have stated with exquisite metaphors--very vividly drawn. Thank you for sharing.
Tom

[Boris]

vividness, vividness, vividness - you took me there to that scene and then beyond to the archetypal idyll that we all possess in our Collective Unconsciousness.

Congratulations again Toni, this is a well-deserving winner of the contest!

[radian7]

Beautiful poem, I see that this is the poem you won first place. Well deserved! hip hip! ;)