The Jenkins Experience

The Jenkins Experience

By: Darren Welsh

Detective Jenkins, the Man

            In a man-cave there lived a brilliant, sly man named Detective Jenkins. Not a lonely depressed, scary man-cave, filled with riches and a foul smell, nor yet a cold, bare, productive man-cave with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat on. It was a manly man-cave, and that means procrastination. One day, after a troubling visit from the accountant Giga Watson, Detective Jenkins leaves his man-cave and sets out in search of three golden fedoras. A quest undertaken in the company of a businessman, a dog and a tall woman. In the search for the feminist-guarded fedoras, Detective Jenkins surprises even himself with his agility and skill as a dog food taster. During his travels, Jenkins rescues a goblet, an heirloom belonging to Giga Watson. But when Giga Watson refuses to try opium, their friendship is over. However, Giga Watson is badly injured at the Great Feminazi Battle of ’99 and the two reconcile just before Detective Jenkins engages in some serious opium smoking. Detective Jenkins accepts one of the three golden fedoras and returns to his cave a very wealthy and changed man.

Dankville

            The isolated, dark town of Dankville holds a powerful secret. Detective Jenkins has the perfect life working as a boxer in the city and Larping with his tall Girlfriend Ann. However, when he finds a sharp pencil in his cellar, he begins to realize that things are not quite what they seem in the Jenkins family. A murder leaves Jenkins with some startling questions about his past, and he sets off to spooky Dankville to find some answers. At first, the people of Dankville are stable and intelligent. He is intrigued by the curiously bold writer, John McBadass. However, after he introduces him to hard opium, Jenkins slowly find himself drawn into a web of Robbery, Murder and perhaps, even Jaywalking. Can Detective Jenkins resist the charms of John McBadass and uncover the secret of the sharp pencil before it’s too late, or will his demise become yet another Dankville legend?

Chronicles of Jenkins

Mirabelle was a young woman fresh out of college. She had a boyfriend and lived in a small house in the middle of f*****g nowhere. Great place to live Mirabelle. Anyway, she was watching TV when she heard the sound of a window being broken. She gasped and stood up reaching for the remote. The lights went out and it was pitch black in the house. It was a new moon that night for the sake of the plot. She listened as footsteps creeped around her. Mirabelle was paralyzed with fear. She felt a sharp pain in her chest and she slowly fell to the floor.

A week later

“Oi, Jenkins,” yelled the shopkeeper, “You gotta buy something, don’t waste my time!” “Calm down chubs,” muttered Jenkins. Jenkins was a lanky man that wore a fancy fedora and a trench coat. He was a detective and solved many crimes in America. The paper boy rode in with an obnoxious voice and a clanking bike. “Getcha papers ‘ere!” He threw one to Jenkins. “Ya fockin’ wot mate?” he exclaimed when he looked at the front page. A murder near his hometown. Jenkins gripped his fedora, put on a white glove, and quickly moonwalked to the nearest bus stop.  “Ye gods, you sods!” Jenkins hollered when he saw the crime scene. A woman was impaled by a … sharp pencil. Jenkins had flashbacks to his younger days and fainted. He woke up in a shifty room and was chained to a chair. A small, dim lightbulb was floating and spinning around on a string in the center of the room. Jenkins was still stunned and his vision was slightly blurry. A familiar shape walked into the light. His vision cleared up as the figure uttered, “Ah. Jenkins, my long lost brother.” The mysterious figure was Jenkins’ evil twin brother, Albertron.

Detective Jenkins Strikes Back

Jenkins struggled with full force. Relentlessly trying to escape the chair. “It’s no use,” chuckled Albertron. Detective Jenkins put his head down and stopped squirming. “Why the pencil?” asked Jenkins. “To confuse you,” replied Albertron. He went on, “How come you get to have a luxurious life, when I have to live in a tool shed? Well, not anymore!”. Albertron stepped toward Jenkins holding the sharp pencil. At that moment, the familiar accountant burst in holding a golden fedora. “Giga Watson!” gasped Jenkins. Giga Watson threw the hat like a Frisbee and knocked the sharp pencil out of Albertron’s hand. Jenkins grabbed the second fedora and place it on top of his. He felt an immediate boost of prowess. Detective Jenkins could move like a bird and sting like a bee. He could eat lightening and crap thunder. Albertron was in a rage and charged at Jenkins. The detective quickly sidestepped and left Albertron to slam into the wall. Albertron was so angry that he literally exploded and died. Detective Jenkins was finally able to solve his long-life mystery of the sharp pencil. Giga Watson congratulated him and let him keep the other golden fedora. Detective Jenkins looked forward to going home and smoking some opium. However, on his way out, the door slammed. It was locked. Albertron’s voice was emitting from a speaker. “In the event that I would lose to you, I have made sure that you won’t leave here alive. Enjoy your last five minutes on Earth.” A large timer lit up in the middle of the room and started a count down. Jenkins raced around every room. All the exits sealed. He pressed every button, but to no avail. At one minute left, Detective Jenkins sat down and thought. He thought about how cruel life was. He thought about all the good he could still do. He thought about all the friends and nice people in his life. He thought about ----. … The bomb went off and everything went white. Soon… complete silence.

The Return of the Jenkins

A million years in the future…

The hologram TV roared, “Calories per day is now reduced to 1200.” Fear and grief is expressed in the faces of the citizens. “The government is draining the life from Dankville,” a peasant sighed. A few miles away, in a dark alley, a group was gathering. “They found a history book!” The street urchins gasped. The people who found the book stood up with passion in their hearts. They spoke of a hero. A simple man who solved crimes. A man of the name Detective Jenkins. A true hero of Dankville. He exposed the mischievous John McBadass and became the mayor of the town. The peasants yelled for rebellion. They wanted to have Jenkins rule them instead of these capitalist pigs. The crowd charged into the science labs with anger in their hearts and thoughts of justice in their heads. They blasted through the doors, sprinting down the hallways. Scientists rushing out of the way with their tools and electronics. The revolt stopped in front of the time travel machine. The leaders hollered, “Valhalla, I am coming!” and rushed in. … Detective Jenkins looked forward to going home and smoking some opium. However, on his way out, the door shut. Albertron’s voice was emitting from a speaker. “In the event that ---.” The crowd raged in and ripped apart the speaker. Jenkins was so shocked that he froze. The crowd pushed forward banging on the door and freeing Jenkins before it was too late. Detective Jenkins was confused the whole time and so was most of the crowd. The peasants wanted to take him to the future, but they realized they had no way of going back. So they just scattered about. Detective Jenkins got high on opium and had a nice dinner.

The Strange case of Detective Jenkins and Mr. Guy

Detective Jenkins was relaxing in his man-cave when suddenly, a knock on the door. Jenkins quickly hid his opium under his bed. “Message for you sir!” A manly voice yelled. Jenkins had a very important mission to do. He was to go to France and inspect a crime scene. Local legends say that a man of the name Mr. Guy was running around jaywalking as he pleases. He must be stopped!

A few days later

Detective Jenkins was out tasting dog food, when he smelled something fishy. A man walked by holding a suitcase with a strange symbol on it. Jenkins’ spidey sense was tingling and he discreetly followed the man. Detective Jenkins followed the mystery man through alleys, up hills, and on buses. It seemed like he had no destination. Jenkins looked at his map and noticed that he was on the other side of town. At that moment it came to Jenkins, “IT’S A TRAP!” His phone rang and another jaywalking incident occurred within the city. In all this confusion, Jenkins lost the mystery man as well. … A devastating failure for Detective Jenkins. He went out drinking and got wasted. Jenkins blamed himself for what had happened. He was severely depressed and was about to do something radical. He sold his soul for more opium. Detective Jenkins just couldn’t get enough.

10 years later

Detective Jenkins solved hundreds of crimes and eventually became the most famous man on the planet. However, as everyone knows, 10 years after one sells their soul, hell hounds come to kill you. Detective Jenkins never knew what hit him. He was at home when he heard vicious barking at his door. Also, as everyone knows, hell hounds are invisible. Detective Jenkins was confused. He didn’t take it seriously until the hounds started thrashing themselves against the windows and doors. He quickly retreated upstairs and behind a door in his room.

Detective Jenkins: The Final Stand

Detective Jenkins heard the windows shatter and the ferocious barking followed him upstairs. Using his smart brain, Jenkins thought of ways to leave. He couldn’t outrun the dogs, he needed to stop them. Just like Mirabelle, Jenkins decided to live in the middle of nowhere. He found a barrel in the middle of his room. “Aha!” It came to Jenkins. He made holes in the barrel and filled it with his remaining stash of opium. The dogs were at his door now and they were clawing away. He lit the opium barrel and it started smoking furiously. Jenkins jumped out of the window as soon as the dogs broke in. The hounds got high and were drowsy. Detective Jenkins ran for his life. 

A few days later…

The desert sun was melting Detective Jenkins’ spirit away. He needed opium. He started hallucinating and thought he heard barking dogs. He jogged forward in a panic. After this happened a few times, he could not take it anymore. He decided to sell his soul for opium. He cut himself and spilled blood on the sand in a shape of a pentagon. He summoned the demon Azazel. Azazel laughed at him, “Wow, you just gave yourself to me!” “You f*****g wot?!” Jenkins screeched. He had forgot about the time he sold his soul 10 years ago. Azazel thrusted his arm into Jenkins’ chest, ripping his heart out. Jenkins fell on his knees, stunned. In his last moments, he saw a sharp pencil in Azazel’s pocket. And then he saw darkness. Years later, Giga Watson is at the crime scene. He found Detective Jenkins’ body lying in the middle of the desert. With an opium plant growing out of his chest, where his heart used to be.

 

Quotes on “The Jenkins Collection: Part 1”

“Intriguing plot, 9.5/8” " Rob Zombie

“Absolutely astounding” " J.R.R Tolkien

“My God, The suspense”- Sherlock

“Ridiculously Amazing”- Giga Watson

“Nice Zeppelin reference.”- Joey Bonzo

“I couldn’t dream of a better story”- Barack Obama

 

 

 

Saving Private Jenkins

Giga Watson stared at his deceased friend. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. Giga Watson drove to the bar and got ridiculously wasted. He thought of how unfair it was for Jenkins to die this way. That’s when he remembered. Giga Watson had a flashback to the time when he and Jenkins recovered two of the three golden fedoras. Giga Watson figured, “Why not steal the last fedora in Jenkins’ name?” He waltzed out of the bar and went to research. After a hearty hangover, Giga Watson found the location of the last fedora. “Of course,” he sighed, “the feminist she-goblins still have it.” He realized that the only way he was going to be successful is if he assembled the old gang. He called up Anne, the tall brunette, and told her about the mission. She agreed almost immediately. Because she has no life. And is very boring. Giga Watson was surprised to find that D’brickshaw Ferguson, the dog, was still alive. He picked him up from his mother’s house and set off to find the businessman. Giga Watson and Ann spent weeks trying to locate Jackmerius Tacktheritrix, but to no avail. Jackmerius never arrives late, he arrives precisely when he means to. The team was about to give up, they returned to Jenkins’ body, when they saw the man, the legend, Jackmerius Tacktheritrix. He was in a suit paying his respects to Detective Jenkins. The boys were finally back in town. They informed him on the situation and he agreed on one condition. He was to keep the third golden fedora. And so the gang ventured forth onto the feminist guarded streets. They used Ann to infiltrate the building. They disguised her as an obese blonde redneck. She was chased out as soon as she was spotted. Half the building was chasing her away. Giga Watson commented, “Unexpected, but extremely convenient.” Jackmerius Tacktheritrix ran in naked. Keep in mind that these feminazi’s were radicals and they went bonkers. This diversion was just enough for Giga Watson to sneak past them and take the Golden Fedora. Jackmerius was good at running, but the she-goblins swarmed him. It looked like he was going to be murdered. But, like a rescue right out of a movie, D’brickshaw Ferguson roared in and scared the feminazi’s away with his thundering bark. At the same time, Ann started the Chevy Impala and saved the day. But she was still boring. After a celebration, they returned to the crime scene and picked up Jenkins’ fedoras. Giga Watson was about to give Jackmerius and Ann a fedora when he remembered something peculiar. He remembered what happened to Jenkins when he stacked two fedoras on top of each other. Giga Watson put all 3 Golden Fedoras together. After a few seconds he chuckled to himself, “Must have been my imagination.” He tried pulling the fedoras away from each other, but they were stuck. Jackmerius was terrified. “YOU DID NOT JUST GET THEM STUCK,” he hollered. D’brickshaw barked viciously and Ann also got distressed. Then, the fedoras started to feel lighter. And lighter. They were floating! Everyone hushed when the fedoras started spinning. They started glowing as they spun faster and faster. They opened some sort of portal. The gang was confused until Jackmerius read the words around the portal. “Gate to Hell,” he whispered bewilderedly. Giga Watson gasped and exclaimed, “JENKINS, I AM COMING!” and he jumped into the portal. The gang grasped for his hand and fell in as well. D’brickshaw Ferguson was feeling left out and kind of cold, so he also jumped in.

The Jenkins Crew vs Hell

The gang found themselves in a dark and fiery place. They were definitely in hell. D’brickshaw Ferguson whimpered at the flames surrounding them. The gang was hesitant to go at first, but then they saw Giga Watson put a fedora on bravely and they followed. Giga Watson moved forward toward a crowd of demons. Jackmerius stopped him, “They’d notice you were human.” Giga Watson looked around, frustrated, “Well what can we do?” Ann spoke up about a disguise. Apparently she had a demon costume for some reason. They decided that since the disguise worked last time, she can do it again. Ann asked about Jenkins and none of the demons knew about him. The gang decided to see who’s in charge of hell. They asked about Satan and the demons cowered. The demons were scared of him. One brave demon spoke up and pointed them in the right direction. The Jenkins Crew walked for what seemed to be days. The deeper they walked in to hell, the hotter and weaker they got. After what felt like forever, they arrived upon a large golden gate. Jackmerius kicked it open with ease. The crew sees a demon kicking something around. It was another human. It was… Jenkins! Detective Jenkins fell to the ground and gripped some ashes in his hand. The demon charged at him and Jenkins flipped over and blinded it. Giga Watson helped him up and Jackmerius punched the demon in the face. D’brickshaw went berserk and ripped the demon to pieces. “How the hell are you guys here?” Jenkins gasped weakly. “No time to explain, let’s get you out of here,” replied Giga Watson. “I DON’T THINK SO!” boomed an angry voice. Jenkins stood up, put on a fedora, and gripped the front of it. “Get ready,” he said.

The Jenkins Crew versus Satan

Detective Jenkins hated Hell with its filthy, scorching fire. It was a place where he felt angry. The years he spent in hell have toughened him up. Jenkins looked in the direction of the voice. Then, he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Satan. Satan was an arrogant brute with huge arms and a disfigured face. Jenkins gulped. He was not prepared for Satan. No one was. As Detective Jenkins stepped away and Satan came closer, he could see the evil smile on his face. “I am here because I want a battle,” Satan bellowed, in a creepy tone. He slammed his fist against Jenkins’ chest, with the force of 100 badgers. “I freaking hate you, Detective Jenkins.” Satan engaged in a heated battle with Jenkins. Jenkins could not hold his ground, Satan was beating him up. Giga Watson was pissed off and kicked Satan in the back. Jackmerius tossed a grenade to Jenkins. Satan turned around and attacked the crew. He was relentless, even kicking D’brickshaw. Detective Jenkins looked forward, even more fatigued and irritated then before. He pulled the pin and yelled, “Burn in hell, Satan!”  The grenade went off, sending a cloud of ash in the air. The crew coughed and laughed at the same time. But it wasn’t over. Satan stood, angrier than ever before. Suddenly, he lunged forward and tried to punch Jenkins in the face. Quickly, Detective Jenkins grabbed the sharp pencil from his pocket and brought it down on Satan’s eye socket. Satan screeched and whimpered. His huge arms and hairy chest wobbled. He looked fearful, his body raw like a gloopy, dead fish. Then, he let out an agonizing groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later, Satan was dead. The gang made the trek back to Earth and closed the gate. They promised to never go back there again.

Jenkins: Off the Grid

At his return party, Jenkins was offered opium. After a moment and a strong feeling of nostalgia, Detective Jenkins refused. After the celebrations, the golden fedoras were handed out to Jackmerius, Giga Watson, and Jenkins. Ann does not deserve one because she is boring. Detective Jenkins called his most valuable contacts and they insulted him. “Everyone thinks you’re dead mate!” exclaimed Giga Watson. “Well, in that case,” Jenkins started, “I’ll be heading to France!” “You wot m8?” questioned Giga Watson. But Jenkins did not elaborate. All he did was stand up and walk right out of the house. Giga Watson decided to let him off the hook, because of him dying and all.

2 weeks later

“Breaking News!” erupted the TV. Giga Watson turned his gaze to the news reporter. “Roughly 15 years ago, an unidentified man, dubbed “Mr. Guy”, committed a series of serious crimes that include jaywalking, kicking kittens, chewing with his mouth open and loitering. The bounty reward for his capture was 10 million dollars. This morning a man resembling the late Detective Jenkins caught him in the act of scrapbooking in Paris, France.”

And from that day forth, Jenkins went from world-famous detective to living legend. Detective Jenkins went on multitudes of talk-shows and TV shows and even became the president of Zimbabwe. He invited the gang to go to Africa with him in his private jet. Giga Watson could not wait to finally see Zimbabwe, his most anticipated vacation was right in front of him! On the way in, Ann swore she saw a shadowy figure slide across the plane. But no one cared. Because she is boring.

 

Jenkins: Stranded

            Jenkins was leisurely flying at thousands of feet in the air when he decided to have a dance-off. He had the crew gather around and he played some wacky 70’s music. They were dancing and singing and moving to the grooving and that’s when it hit them, somebody turned around and shouted, “Play that funky music white boy!” And then no one was paying attention to the burning wing on the plane so they crashed.

…

Hours later Jenkins opened his eyes to find himself on a beach. He was laying on the sand with tattered clothes while the waves gently caressed his toes. He looked around to find himself on an uninhabited island. The rest of the crew gradually started waking up and they found out that their pilot was gone. “Do you guys know where the pilot is?” questioned Jenkins. “Actually, I don’t remember seeing a pilot at all,” replied Giga Watson. For the next five days, the crew survived on the supplies, but they were running short. Detective Jenkins tended to the fire and Jackmerius tried to go hunting with D’brickshaw. But he failed and hurt himself. Giga Watson was scavenging and Ann was useless. “This is pointless!” yelled a frustrated Giga Watson. He ran into the jungle against the groups wishes. “OI!” screamed Jenkins, but he wouldn’t listen. D’brickshaw fell over whimpering. He was sick! The crew had no choice but to wait for Giga Watson to return. Giga Watson was in a bad mood, he was looking for any kind of food or water. His anger slowly turned to fear as he began noticing that he wasn’t alone…

Czar Jenkins

            Giga Watson’s eyes darted around as he heard more and more rustling noises emitting from just beyond his sight. He became paranoid and his heart rate increased. Then, complete silence and all he could hear was the sound of his own breath. Giga Watson froze and heard a growl behind him. A badger jumped out of nowhere! It clawed at his face and bit his nose. He ripped it off and sprinted back to camp. But he was bleeding badly. He didn’t have much time and Jenkins couldn’t take it anymore. He hollered at Ann for being so useless and stormed off following in Giga Watson’s footsteps. Ann felt guilty but inspired so she started taking care of the wounded crew. Jenkins arrived to a clearing in the jungle and heard the same sounds as Giga Watson did. But he was brave and roared, “SHOW YOURSELVES!” Just then, a tribe of monkeys encircled him. There were hundreds, no, thousands of monkeys. And they interpreted his burst of courage as a display of dominance. They bowed to him and showed Jenkins their loyalty. Detective Jenkins was sort of scared and confused. But he realized his position and smiled. Ann was continuing her existence when she heard a rumbling noise. Jenkins is heard in the distance, “Hell Yeah!” He screams at the top of his lungs while being carried by an army of primates. It was as if Jenkins was riding a wave. “Shiet!” screeched Giga Watson. And so the gang was carried across the Atlantic Ocean back to America. Detective Jenkins resigned his position as President of Zimbabwe. The legend of Jenkins only grows and the wounded crew recovered in a hospital. Weeks later, Jenkins was leaving his mansion for his morning power walk when a flock of vicious, hungry orphans armed with pointy sticks surrounded him. 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Note that this isn't serious, I wrote little stories like this while I had free time in class. I don't expect anyone to find it well written or even slightly funny. Besides, it has a ridiculous amount of references that only a few of my close friends understand. I just thought it would be a good idea to post this for some reason.