Lost in the illusion

A Poem by a dreamer

Some thoughts i had about the prison of a love I've lost.

The worst part about dreaming about him, you, is not the memory of us, nor the pain that surges back to the surface; no, that pain is a delight in comparison to the few seconds of joy when I wake up. Joy, blissful, wonderful joy, residing in my heart for those few seconds that I'm still ignorant to reality and the falsity of the dream. Joy that haunts you, shadows your every thought for the coming weeks.

Joy that stabs you in the heart because overtime you remember that explosively joyful moment, you are forced to relive the proceeding grief. Who knew one could grieve over a mere dream, a thought. A thought so strong you wish it had never floated to the surface of your consciousness, because its power over you is so undeniably alluring, pulling you in, making you joyful and depressed simultaneously.

A thought you never want to forget but wish you'd never had.

"what if he loved me back"

"what if he loved me again"

The constant battle of 'it could never happen' and the desperate hope that you're utterly and completely wrong.

It's strange how hope and joy can have such sporadically negative effects, stopping you from ever moving on, ever wanting anything but him. For its never the hope or joy that bring pain, but the afterthought of them, its a delicious dessert you never want to stop indulging in but knowing full well it will kill you. Have you ever been starving but tried not to eat, it makes the pain infinitely worse.

I'm living in a mental limbo of love, trapped somewhere between the past and possible future of our insane love. Quite possibly the worst torture chamber one can create for themselves.

The chamber's most incredible aspect being that it leads you to believe you're still living your everyday life, you're in the haunting illusion that life is still ticking on. Every so often, for just a few moments, you freeze and remember.

Remember the hell you're actually in and that you're trapped in some cold, lonely, concrete jail cell, shrivelled in the corner just alone and dying. The only key to the door of happiness, door to escape, is buried deep in the heart of someone who you lost a long time ago. All you need to get out of the self inflicted limbo is for him to love you back, love you again.

But you know the chances are but none, so to pass the time in your prison, you created the illusion that you are still out in the "real world", that's the name i gave my illusion, but I might change it, I think I can come up with something better.

You spend your days "living" in this alternate dimension, in the hope it might distract you long enough for you to die. But really you died an eternity ago. After all, one can hardly live without a heart and since it was stolen your existence has been nothing but a prolonged demise.

But fear not, because if you try for even a second to forget where you truely are, trapped in lost love, hope and joy will, without fail, coming knocking at the door to your subconscious to remind you. Relentlessly and for eternity.