Letter to a friend

As college is creeping closer, I have realized that I have been distancing myself from my friends, so I have written one of them a letter. Please read and comment anything you would like! Thank you!

Dear Kyle,

            In a way, this is an apology letter, and in another way it’s a goodbye letter. It’s sad that you don’t get the apology until it’s time to say goodbye, but that’s often how I do things. Over this past year I have begun to realize a lot of things about myself. Weird ways that I act and even weirder reasons why. In case you didn’t know, I have a therapist, that’s that “doctor appointment” I go to on Wednesdays. I began seeing her about a year and a half ago, right after I lost the group as my friends (in this letter you’re going to need to know that whenever I refer to the “group”, it is Julia, Kristen, Katie, Kayla, Mark, Brendan, Mason, and Nick). That’s basically when all of my issues started.

            I’m not going to go into details about what exactly happened, because I hate talking about it, and writing it out is ten times worse. All you need to know is that I lost all of my friends in one day, because of one text. It was all because of a stupid fight we were all in, and it was decided that I would take the blame for all of it. I loved those girls, and I had fun with the guys, but sometimes that just doesn’t matter anymore. I was subtweeted about how I was a b***h, how I was a liar, disgusting to be around. I got texts from all of the girls talking about how I was never a good friend, and basically pointing out every flaw I had. I wrote letters apologizing and asking for forgiveness, but all I got back was more subtweets and laughter. This all happened over winter break. I went back to school after that and didn’t know what to do. Those girls were manipulative, if I tried to be friends with anyone outside of the group, all hell broke loose. They never minded Mel, but if I hungout with her instead of them they would freak out. And they hated Rachel, they told me I was just trying to be more popular and I was turning into one of those girls. So I stopped talking to anyone else. When I got kicked out of the group, I returned to school and found I had no one. I don’t know if you know what it’s like to be alone, but it sucks. Sitting at your locker during lunch, too afraid to face them. Coming to school late so I didn’t have to stand by myself in the morning. Every night I would cry and beg my mom to not make me go back, tell her about how much I hated it. That went on for a week until Mel reached out to me.

            That experience has probably been the tipping point in my life. Everything changed. Some for the good, but most for the bad. I started seeing a therapist, where I found out that this event had caused me to develop depression and anxiety. I still have nights where I just can’t handle it anymore, for example, the other night at Bri’s house. I’m constantly afraid of losing everyone again, which is why I’m no longer friends with Becky. It’s horrible what I did to her, but at the time I was scared. I thought she was trying to take Mel from me, and Mel was all I had. So I “got rid of her”. I’ve never even apologized to her because I just don’t know how to. And this is the same reason why I hate when people bail on plans they’ve made, don’t reply to my texts, and don’t put the effort in to make plans. I’m scared that they don’t see the friendship the way I do. I’m scared that they are choosing someone else over me. And I know everyone gets irritated about these things, but it’s more than an irritation to me. I literally can’t stand it, and that is why I flip out on you sometimes.

Since leaving the group, something else happens to me. I have no clue why, but one day I’ll be best friends with someone, and the next day they do one thing that irritates me and I’m just done. It happened with Palmer and Tanner. But probably the biggest downfall I’ve had is that I’ve lost trust. Kristen was my best friend for 6 years. And just like that, with the blink of an eye, she hurt me. I trust people all the time, I trust that Nadia will drive me safely, I trust that no one will steal my things when they come over, I even trust that all of us will try to stay friends as long as we can. But only once since leaving the group have I fully trusted someone as a friend, and that’s Mel. She has been there with me through it all, and I couldn’t be more thankful. That is why I stay stupid things like how excited I am to get all new friends. I just can’t trust all of you that you’ll come back and be where we left off. I don’t want to leave part of my heart in Lake Orion if no one else does. And you’re probably reading this, getting mad at me, and thinking that you want to come back during breaks and over summer and be best friends again. But to me, that is something I would have to trust you with, and I just can’t. I wish I could. I wish every day that I would have been friends with another group growing up, but I wasn’t. It’s just easier for me to move on and find new friends. Over the course of this year and a half I’ve been in 5 different groups, I have replaced 9 friends. When someone seems like they are leaving, I leave first. That is why I talk about leaving all of you behind and find new friends.

I don’t know when this will end. I don’t know when I’ll be able to be the old me again. Back to when I could smile and laugh and just know everyone loved me. That confidence your sister sees in me, it’s not real. There is not one thing that I am confident about. But that’s not what the world wants. The world wants a funny, enthusiastic, and confident girl. So that’s what I give them. I’m excited for college because I want to start over. I want to go to a place where no one knows that I’ve never had a boyfriend, where no one knows that I wasn’t homecoming queen, and where no one knows that I was once kicked out of a friend group. In the back of my head, I know that’s not how it will be, but it gives me hope.

Now before I say goodbye, I need to leave this on a happy note! When I left the group, it didn’t have all negative outcomes, it had positive ones too. Most importantly, I have gotten the opportunity to be friends with amazing people like you. My eyes have been opened to what a real friend is and that what I had before wasn’t what it’s supposed to be like.

So now you’ve seen it, the reason behind why I treated you the way I did. And again, I’m sorry. I don’t usually tell people this stuff because it’s my past and it’s the side of me I keep to myself. Not even my family knows that it still impacts me. But when all of that was going on, for that week that I was alone in school, I later found out that my mom didn’t sleep at all. She was too afraid that she’d be woken up by a gunshot coming from my room. And don’t worry, I never considered suicide, but just knowing that the way things affected me affected others too, changed me. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or to worry about me. So I hid it, made the world think that I was ok. I put the smile on my face, even though I don’t get the same enjoyment out of life that I use to. Christmas is just another day to me now, going to Cedar Point doesn’t seem special, and being with friends doesn’t give me the enjoyment that it used to. Sometimes it comes back; sometimes the smile in the picture is real. It’s a process though, and that smile is coming back slowly but surely.

I want you to take one thing out of this. Anything I’ve said to you that is rude, anything I’ve said that has hurt you, it is not your fault. Kyle you are probably the sweetest guy I have ever met. You care for people in a way I’ve never seen before. You have such an amazing outlook on life and it inspires me. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t good enough Kyle, because chances are, that person is like me. I will try with all of my might to come back to Lake Orion and keep our friendship strong. I don’t want to push people away this time, I’ve got good friends this time and I don’t want to lose all of you.

I hope I give this to you. If anyone ever looked at my laptop, they would probably start laughing because of how many unsent letters I have. But I want you to know the truth behind my actions. So here’s the hard part, trusting you. If I give this to you Kyle, I am putting my trust in you a lot more than you think. 1) I don’t want you to have an changed opinions of me, what I show the world is what I want everyone to see 2) I don’t want you feeling bad for me or to text me a message that has the word “sorry” in it. This is my time to apologize, not yours 3) Please don’t show anyone this letter, well I guess there are exceptions to this. Like I show my sister everything, so if you have people that you are dying to show this to, then go ahead. I trust that it’s not someone like Josh Bays ;) haha but serious again, I just don’t want you to show this to Katie. You have told me that she looks up to me and loves how confident I am. I don’t want her to think that even the confident kids fake it. And lastly 4) this one I’ve been scared to write out, but I need to. If by any chance, next summer you all reach out to me and ask me to hangout, and I tell you that our friendship is over; I want you to accept that. I’m telling you right now that it’s none of you, it’s me. I’m use to moving on from friends easily, leaving people behind is something I’ve become accustomed to. So as my friend, I hope that you understand and respect my wishes.

So here’s where you trust me, I swear on my grave stone that I will try. I will try to keep in contact and get together whenever possible. But fare warning, I hate texting… so I probably will pass on the day long, pointless conversations. I made a corkboard with pictures of all of my Lake Orion friends tacked up there, and you will all stay there until I return next summer. You are an amazing person Kyle, and you will make some great new friends in college. I am so excited to see where life takes you and watch you live out your dreams. I will never forget all of the amazing times we have had. Thank you for always being there for me and for reading this 3 page long letter J I like to talk, and writing is my form of talking to myself!

Have fun in college Ky Ky, don’t party too hard

All of my love,

Tori

Author's Note

All comments and criticism is greatly appreciated!