I Begin The Story

                              Prologue

     Night is the time of day when the monsters come.  Every little kid knows it, respects it, and prevents it. I never got the message. My parents are very literal, they told me about gangsters, not the bogeyman. Melanoma, not Santa Claus. Rapists, not bed bugs. They thought that it would be safer for me if I knew about the things in real life. I guess it worked. I haven't gotten skin cancer or been stabbed yet. But it hasn't protected me from the things that go bump in the night.

     ~

  Chapter 1.
   “Okay class, that’s it for today. Make sure to study your script, the performance is only two weeks from now!” Ms. Cris said, clapping her hands together once. I sat up from my chair, yawning.  I picked up my messenger bag, cramming my worn script in it. Everyone began stacking the metal chairs in the corner, cleaning up so the yoga class could do their 8pm stretches. Why woman would want to exercise their bodies at 8 o’clock at night in a hot, stuffy gym baffles me. But maybe I’ll understand when I’m forty something, and have bags under my eyes.
     My best friend in the class, Damon, walked over to me, his shoulders hunched, his blonde hair hiding his winter ice blue eyes. He smirked.
     “Ms. Cris cracked the whip today,” he said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
     “You know Ms. C. She always gets hyped up before a performance,” I said. Ms. Cris waved us over.
     "Hey, Melody! Ready for the performance tomorrow?" she asked me.
     "Yeah, totally." I faked a big smile.
     "Are your parents coming?"
     "Yep, they will be there!" Liar. I thought. I truthfully didn't want to perform knowing that nobody will be there to support me, but I'd just have to suck it up.
     "Bye, Ms. C," Damon says. And we walked outside into the dark night. The clouds were gray and grouped together, indicating a storm on the way.Or maybe it was just fog. You could never know in San Francisco. I looked around for Dad.
       My dad was waiting outside in the parking lot, sitting in his dark green truck. His knuckles clenched as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. His eyes flashed with anger.  When he spotted me, he honked his horn. Damon chuckled. He knew my dad's temper tantrums. And this, apparently, was going to be one of them.
     “Your dad’s waiting. I’ll see you later, Mel. If your still alive,” Damon said. I stuck my tongue out at him for using my much hated nickname, Mel. What kinda girl name is Mel? Psh. I'm Melody, not Mel.  Though it wasn’t so bad when Damon said it.  I ruefully got into the truck, where I could feel the heat vibrating off of his body.
     “Hi, Dad,” I said, acting casually. My mind raced through all of the things I could’ve done in the past few weeks that would’ve gotten pissed off. He definitely didn’t know about the one time I had that one sip of alcohol at Kathrine's birthday bash last week. I mean, it was one tiny sip. I didn't even get a buzz.
      “Hello, sweetheart. How was drama class?” he asked, his friendliness sounding forced. I gulped.
      “Uh, Dad?” I asked.
       “Yes, Melody?”
      “Are you mad at me or something?” I asked, dreading the worst. Whenever I got bad grades, or detention, he exploded. I just hope I haven't done anything to get him pissed off. But he just shook his head.
      “No, sweetheart. I’m just stressed out, that’s all,” he said.
      “Okay,” I said, staring out the window. He pulled the truck out of the parking lot.  The rest of the car ride was silent.
    
  ~

       My tiny suburban house seemed calm. Too calm. The crickets chirped in the background, the lights had a warm glow. I quickly fished my house keys from my backpack. My dad stalked up behind me, tapping his foot impatiently. Hurry up, Mel. I finally got the door open. See? In my rush I called myself Mel. D****t, Dad. I gave a quick hello to Mom, who was sitting at the table.    
     I almost ran into my room, and turned on my stereo, blasting The Hives. I was trying to avoid the 9 o’clock fight. My mother and father never got along very well after we moved to San Francisco. Which was five years ago. They fought over everything, money, jobs, us kids.
        My mom thought that my dad should get a job so she wouldn’t have to work for the both of them. My dad does have a job. At Walmart, stacking items. But apparently he got it so  he could spend more time with us kids. But we're never here, because no one wants to listen to broken marriages all day.  I hated it, because their yells and shouts echoed through my walls. I listened for the beginning of the bickering, but instead I heard my mom’s honey sweet voice.
         “Melody, can you come in here? We want to talk with you.”

  

Author's Note

The first chapter on a novel I plan to publish. Please please please critique. (Note: Miss Cris is my actual drama teacher, and that is her name. Shh! Don't tell....)

Reviews

[Griffin Hill]

[Please accept as constructive criticism, I am not trying to be harsh].

Initial Impression: Your lead draws me in. Good.

Scene: I don’t think the scene flows well. Character’s coming in and disappearing for now particular reason. Scene location jumps around too much. In the gym, in the parking lot, in the car, in the house, in the bedroom...too busy. Pace it out.

I stumbled on Yoga class doing aerobics? Do they do that?

• Character development:
“...stuffy gym baffles me.“ Why?
“But maybe I’ll understand when I’m thirty, and have bags under my eyes.“ Seems naive, most people don’t begin to show their middle-age until at least 40...unless they’re some kind of addict and have had a really rough life. Maybe that’s what you’re alluding to?

‘Ms. Cris’ too much alliteration, name seems contrived, as does “Melody” being a drama student but that name is a bit more believable to me.

Why does ‘Ms. C always gets hyped up before a performance.” Why? Don’t tell us, show us how she gets hyped up. Don’t tell the reader they know something when they don’t; the phrase: ‘You know, Ms. C....” is telling, not showing. Show us and let the reader draw their own conclusion.

‘He honked her horn’...who is her? Why does Damon find this amusing and ‘chuckles’?
Whose ‘Damon’? Character suddenly appears/disappears for no reason.

‘Mel’ is now thrust on the scene with no explanation, who’s Mel? Why is s/he important to the development of the story? ‘If s/he’s still alive.’ Why would he not be alive?

“Hi, Dad,” I said, acting casually. My mind raced...” seems confusing; why does the reader need to know you’re ‘acting casually’... But your ‘...mind raced...” Seems inconsistent state of being for the character, unless that is the mental state you’re going for. Confusing.

‘He definitely didn’t know about the one time I tried crack,...’ Is this in the present or past? Not clear when this happened. Is that what the character was just doing, or is this a past secret between the character and the dad? is that why Mel might be dead?

“Are you mad at me or something?” I asked, dreading the worst...” why would he (dad) be mad?...’dreading the worst’ Why? You‘re telling us about emotional states but not showing us why these states exist in the character.

I think the Melody character should be introduced sooner in the story to have the name pop up so late seems awkward to me. We’re not clear until almost the end of the passage who the narrator is.

‘K’ might be clearer than ‘Kay.’ sort of threw me. I first thought you were introducing yet another character. Actually, I’d spell out ‘Okay.’ to be clearer.

Closing paragraph’s are really confusing. I’m not sure what is going on or why it is important. I would break those thoughts out in to separate paragraphs.

Plot: I don’t see a clear message to the scene; what point are you trying to make? What has any of the characterization in part 2 and 3 have to do with your intro on ‘..monster’s...boogeyman...” etc? Seems disconnected.

[Arsenic Nemesis]

Interesting start here, I like it, Melody seems like she's going to be a cool character. I look forward to reading more of this, mortal~~

[roarke]

Miss Cris is so gonna bust you... lol.
I have the hardest time with first chapters. When I get a concept for a short story or longer piece, the first chapter usually sets the whole thing up and the rest of the work flows easily. If the first chapter doesn't come together, then I struggle with the rest of the chapters. The cacophony of action here isn't a problem so much as it's larger frame as the first chapter. Take a look at your following chapters and then backtrack to the first and tweek the frame. This is a great story in the calibre of Carl Hiaasen and Eoin Colfer. I like it as much as I liked the t.v. series, "Dead Like Me" I want a signed first edition copy of this book too.... lol.

[StarNinja]

Don't be such a b***h Dad!
Anyways, it was a pretty good start, I want to know waht happens next. The writing didn't flow as well as it could of but that's an easy thing to fix so don't worry. Overall, it did what it was supposed to do, introduce and hook in.
A-

[Daydreamer54]

Intreating, i loved the intro! I am also wondering wat her mom wants to talk to gher about....reading on!

[Thorn]

I love the opening paragraph! Really drew me in.
I'm sorry I took my time getting around to reading this, though.
Anyway...
"My mind raced through all of the things I could’ve done in the past few weeks that would’ve gotten pissed off."

Shouldn't that say "My mind raced through all of the things I could’ve done in the past few weeks that would’ve pissed him off." ?
That would make more sense, anyway. At least, that's what I think.

Ms Cris sounds a lot like my Drama teacher. Maybe they're all the same! :P

And you like the name Melody don't you? There was a character in "Moonlight Murder" named that, too, if I recall correctly. ^^

But I'm getting way off topic. This was a pretty good chapter, and I'll make sure that I get around to reading the rest of them.
Well done!

[Livana Lowell]

It actually isn't a bad start and the ending line makes me want to read more because I want to know what's up.

However, a little suggestion, stray away from the words: "He/she looked...." That's where description kind of introuduces itself. I thought when you had said the dad looked mad, I was like how or stopped to wonder what "mad" would really "look" like for this father since I don't know everything yet.

Now, also, this may be a bit sylistic, but "eyes sparkling blue"? Really? It's such a cliche line and it just stuck out. I mean it was just out there. Like really, "sparkling" blue. There has to be a way to revise that because I get the hint she has a little crush on him or something. And then as the reader, I kind of feel you just put it there to say his eyes were blue. Each word has a meaning and causes a reaction or a thought of the reader. Cliche lines aren't very cute to use.

Love the name, my favorite name, and love the suspense. Also, I kind of found the introduction paragraph to be a little unnecesary. I mean there's more ways to prove that Melody is a practical girl. The way you opened it made me think something bad was going to really happen in this very chapter. As a reader, I was hoping for immediate action. But then as I read on, it seems more like a summary. If so, don't do that because- let's put it like this, if you could delete it and it wouldn't affect the story, then remove it. That's how I see it. It's up to you, though.

And then, the drama class. Every protagonist has their hobby, something they love and as the reader, since she was in drama class, I thought she'd eiether love it or hate it. Eiether way, I would expect her to glance through the script if the play's important because it seemed you kind of emphasized on it by allowing the teacher to stress on it.

I like it and think it can be lengthened and more detailed. I suggest use better imagrey than "sparkling blue eyes" and "honey sweet voice". But this is only the beginning, so I don't know. Anyways, I'm gonna read more. Bye.

[James Watts]

it's not a bad start. Didn't really notice any errors.

[Katrina]

Even though I want to know what appens it wasn't the best book and I probualy read the back and put it back on the shelf o the bookstore srry I you have a good starting to a desint book keep working jar and I think it will become amazing but thll me what happens