3am Self Harm

it starts the moment i wake up and it never ends.
i deserve pain
i deserve pain
i deserve pain.

i am a dead girl walking,
dead eyes, no light
puffy in the night
why can't i laugh during the day without him?
why can't i feel useful when i'm not being used?

3am isn't for sleeping,
it's for self torture,
not by a blade any more
by thinking about your future with him
and knowing the days are finite.
you will f**k up and you will be alone.
that thought terrifies you.

you without him.
you without him
is shaking hands
and your voice cracking when
you tell your mum you're fine,
no you didn't hear me crying last night
just a movie i was watching, don't mind that.
you without him is messy.
it's wondering why you've never been good enough.

you will
distract yourself. you will
be fine,
when you're rehearsing,
but you can't write any more
because everything you've written
will have pieces of him
in every comma.
you can't drink coffee any more
because you'll see his eyes in your latte.
you can't drink tea because he liked the same amount of milk that you like.

so you'll move on.
keep taking your meds.
go back to praying.
pray to be numb.
see him around and look like you're fine,
doing quite well actually.
and go home and cry in the shower.

and for now
stop the torture.
you're happy with him,
however temporary that may be.
please don't f**k it up.
you deserve pain
but you can't live with that much.

j.f.