Insomnia

Personal essay concerning my battle with insomnia.

11:42PM. It has been over an hour since I first tried to fall asleep. The anxiety begins to set in. Will I be able to fall asleep? Now the math problems begin to work themselves out in my head. If I pass out now, I will get a little less than seven hours of sleep. As long as I get six hours I should be fine. I close my eyes and try to relax my brain.

Do I have to pee? This bed is warm, and I am so comfortable. I don’t want to get up. I really don’t need to go too bad. Just fall asleep now and you won’t need to worry about it. My mind begins to think about what I must do tomorrow. I have a meeting at 9AM so that means I need to take the 7:20AM train. Aside from that meeting, I shouldn’t be that busy. Ugh! I really do have to pee. Maybe if I roll on to my stomach it will cut off the urge. It works for 30 seconds, but the compulsion to go slowly returns. At this point there is no turning back. I must vacate the warmth of the covers and enter the cold confines of the dark bathroom to relieve myself. If I turn on the lights a flash of life will be shot back into me, making it that much more difficult to fall asleep. The only other option is to pop a squat on the frosty toilet seat in the dark and urinate like the opposite gender. If my high school football and Marine Corps buddies could see me now. After my personal bathroom embarrassment, I am back under the warm and cozy blankets with dignity intact and my bladder as empty as a Donald Trump promise.

With a glance at the clock, I realize it is now 12:17AM. If I’m asleep within the next 13 minutes I will still meet my six-hour sleep quota. More anxiety sets in as I worry about the thought of a slumber that does not meet my need of a quarter day of sleep necessary to function tomorrow. At this point, I need to shift my focus from thoughts of possible sleep depravity to happy feelings occupying my mind. Although three days away, my brain begins to think about the weekend. What plans do we have? I wonder what the weather is going to be. No matter what is on the weekend itinerary, I must go to the gym both days. Last time I couldn’t sleep was I on my right side or left side? I realize at that point that without a doubt I was on my right side. I violently roll over as if I am on fire and completed the first two steps of stop and drop. This is much more comfortable. I should be sleeping any minute now.

Just as I settle in to my new position, I hear the growls getting louder from the opposite side of my bed. It seems my wife has fallen into a deeper snooze and her snores are growing louder. This is when the anger and jealously overtake my mind. The anger due to high decibel of the snores will never allow me to fall asleep, and the jealousy because I envy the rate at which she can slip into dreamland. How does she do it? How can she fall asleep so quickly? I am convinced that if she blinked for one split second too long, she could doze off. I don’t know if it’s the anger or jealousy, but without looking I reach over and give her a friendly shove. The first one doesn’t work, so now I must make my presence felt and increase the pressure of the shove, along with switching to a quick three round burst. I hear her mumble some gibberish and then back to sleep. It seems to work, for now.

If curiosity killed the cat, then my inquisitiveness to know the time could kill a herd of felines, although I know no good can come from it. My curiosity fills the room and by this point it’s almost palpable. With all my power, I refrain from glancing over at the time and continue to keep my eyes closed, relaxing even deeper into my slumber position. Once again, I shift my focus from trying to sleep to something more relaxing. The topic of interest now swings to my son, Graham. My first thoughts center around the future plans I have for him. Should I teach him to play baseball or golf first? Maybe baseball because with his hyper active behavior golf will require too much focus. Should I start teaching him baseball now or wait another six months to a year when he is calmer? Am I a good father? Most of my adult life I dreamed of being a dad and always assumed I would be good at it, but now that the time is here I question my parental abilities. What happened to my life? I love my wife and son, but is my career where I want it to be? One thing is for sure, I am not in love with my job, but that’s how it is for most people, right? In rapid succession questions surrounding being a father, husband, man and professional dance around in my head. Then the most depressing question that any person approaching the age of 40 can have enters my head. Am I old? Are my good years past me? It’s at this point I need to switch from an insomniac to a life coach. Of course, you are not old I tell myself. The best years of your life are yet to come. Think about all the great moments ahead of you. My career possibilities of becoming a life coach are slim, but tonight I seem to talk myself off the ledge.

I can’t take it anymore. The mystery concerning what time it is becomes too much. I must look. But a glance at the time will mean a complete shift in position, as the clock rests on the table behind me. It is only then a flash of genius consumes me. I realize that my phone is positioned only 18 inches from my face and a peek at the time will only require a slight flinch of my arm. Like tearing off a band-aid, I quickly reach over to the nightstand and push a button on my iPhone X. As my eyes adjust, I peak at the phone and read 12:29. How is that possible? Has it only been 12 minutes since I last looked at the time? The math didn’t add up, so I took another glance at the phone. Now it made sense. It was actually 2:29. The relief of knowing I am not crazy is wiped away by the concern that I need to be up in four hours.

In the past, when I haven’t been able to sleep, doing a complete reset has helped me fall asleep. Whether this meant turning the TV back on for a couple of minutes, cracking open a book or going downstairs for a bite to eat, the action of restarting the sleep process has worked before. Now the big question enters my head. What should I do? Probably not the best decision, but I remember there is a lonely cigarette that has been setting in our junk drawer for the last couple weeks. For whatever reason, cigarettes have helped me fall asleep in the past.

I slither into my Ugg slippers and head downstairs. I figure my quick jaunt outside will not require the use of pants, so I make my way out the backdoor with a Marlboro light and Bic lighter in hand, bare legs exposed. To my surprise the temperature has fallen since my earlier interaction with the outdoors. Almost immediately, as I take my first step outside, the hair on my legs stand to attention, while my male anatomy quickly hides like a scared turtle into his shell. I light the cigarette and take a deep puff. When I exhale I am unable to distinguish between the cigarette smoke and the steam from my breath. I continue to puff on the Marlboro Light until the light burn of the filter stings my fingers. I throw the butt into the driveway and make my way upstairs. A glance at the clock as I enter the bedroom reveals its two minutes shy of 3:00AM. I pull the sheet, along with the cover over my frigid body and work to get my core temperature back to a balmy 98.6 degrees. I begin to start the sleep process for a second time.

Lying in bed, I feel myself become more tired, my heart continues to race from the nicotine of the cigarette. I close my eyes. If I am ever going to fall asleep, I need to make sure from this point on my eyes don’t reopen. The nicotine seems to be wearing off as my heartbeat has slowed from a sprint to a jog. At this point I know it’s after three, so there is no need to look at the clock. For the first time, the thought of staying up all night enters my head. What if I don’t fall asleep? Is it better if I just call it a loss and go downstairs and start my morning? Beep! Beep! Beep! The loud scream of the alarm clock fills the room. How is this possible? Why is it going off? I grab my iPhone to turn off the alarm and realize its 6:30AM. What? I actually fell asleep? Although I am a little shell-shocked from the astonishment of my alarm, all in all I am not that tired. I make my way to the shower.

After a long day at work, barely able to keep my eyes open, I make my way to bed. With the minimal sleep I had last night, I hit the sack at 9:30 tonight. I am confident that the insomnia I faced last night won’t be an issue tonight. I couldn’t be more excited to fall asleep.

I roll over at a snail’s pace and glance at the clock. It’s 12:01AM….