The Lion of the Tribe of Judah: Or a modern courtroom parable

A rough draft of a story about God being on trial for murder

 

The Lion of the Tribe of Judah:

Or a modern courtroom parable

 “But before they lay down, the men of the city, the men of Sodom, both young and old, all the people to the last man, surrounded the house; and they called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, that we may know them.”

-          Genesis 19: 4-5

Part 1: The Hearing

            The courtroom was packed with a throng of spectators; God sat in shackles with a look of stern concentration firmly planted on his grey visage. I sat next to him, call me Abraham. I was hired to defend God against these charges that are being brought against him. The courtroom was dull and the rain landed rhythmically on the roof and traversed its way down the windows in quick, darting motions. The state sat a few feet away from us, the prosecutor was a former colleague of mine, call him Ezekiel. The judge entered the courtroom, his long black robe trailing silently behind him. The courtroom immediately fell silent. The judge sat down, his chair squeaking audibly, like a groan escaping from an otherwise quiet man. He looked around the courtroom, scanning the crowd of individuals gathered inside. CNN and Fox News already had their camera’s set up. The media said this was going to be the biggest trial since Simpson’s, after all people need another bronco chase to talk about.

“So” the judge said “how do you pleas, Mr. uh,-

“Call me Jehovah” God answered

“Right, Mr. Jehovah, how do you plead?”

“Not guilty your honor” God answered

“Your honor” the state quickly stood up and interjected, “we request that Mr. Jehovah be held without bail due to the fact that he is a flight risk. He can return to Paradise any time he wishes.”

“Your honor” I quickly responded, “the defense would like to request that Mr. Jehovah be released under house arrest until the start of the trial. The man has much dignity, and he has no previous incidents of being a flight risk.”

The judge looked myself, God, and Ezekiel over coldly. The cameras located directly behind us were filming. Their onyx glass eyes silently traversed the courtroom. 

“I would have to agree with the state’s point.” The judge said, “Mr. Jehovah could return to his domain whenever he wishes. So it only seems logical that the defendant be kept under strict guard.”

“Your honor” I interjected passionately, “Mr. Jehovah has no prior history of being a flight risk. We are making an unfair assumption about his character.”

“Mr. Jehovah does not have a history of being a flight risk because this is his first criminal offense. He had a clean record before this, my ruling is final. The defendant will be held without bail due to his danger of being a potential flight risk.”

I sat down and lowered my head; God put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“The trial will be set for April 24^th, approximately three weeks from now. And Mr. Jehovah it has been decided that you will be tried by a jury of your peers.”

I turned and looked at God, looked directly into his pale blue eyes.

“Don’t worry” I said, “We’ll get you through this”

“Thank you” he said

 

Part 2: The Crime

It all started with a single phone call, just one phone call. One person decided, made a deliberate action, he decided to call 911. I don’t know whether this was out of pity or simply a feeling of complement. No, I think it was out of pity, yeah, I’ve started to convince myself of that, just pity. As God created our existence in six days (he did actually rest on the seventh, he told me he was tired) the entire phone call lasted six minutes. I’ve listened to it several times and I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like that damn song you always get stuck in your head and as hard as you try you just can’t stop thinking about it. The call was dialed at approximately 3 P.M. (fitting, if you’ve read the Bible recently) and the man who made said call was a Mr. Iscariot. At first, this Mr. Iscariot couldn't describe what he was seeing, he was too shocked. What this Mr. Iscariot related to the 911 operator, in a trembling and near sobbing tone, disturbs me to this day. As I have said, I listened to the recording several times and I will relate what he told the police to the best of my knowledge. This Mr. Iscariot saw what appeared to be a “young female lying on the side of the road.” Mr. Iscariot was driving down the road in a town that shall be kept private and he noticed this young woman “was pretty pale, like a doll.” He stopped his car and, turned off the ignition and got out onto the side of the road. Mr. Iscariot approached this young woman and he leaned over, his official statement to the police read that he “was just trying to see if she was awake, I thought she was sleeping.” Well, when Mr. Iscariot attempted to shake this young woman awake she did not respond, so he shook her harder with both hands this time. The young woman head rolled back and “blood came out of her ears.” It was at this moment that our Mr. Iscariot called the local police. The official report stated that this young woman, at that point known as a Jane Doe, was dead along the side of a local street. The first officer on the scene, a Mr. Isaiah, took a closer look at this young woman. He stated that she was extremely pale “like she was a pillar of salt.” This Mr. Isaiah called in the local coroner and Jane Doe was pronounced dead at approximately 4:30 P.M. and it was determined that she died as a result of a cerebral hemorrhage. This is usually caused by a significant impact to one’s head and this Jane Doe had extensive cranial fractures. It was later determined, through a rigorous crime scene analysis, that Jane Doe was running away from something when she died. At that point in time, the police could not determine what exactly had killed her. The astute reader may ask, how did they incriminate the allmighty in such a crime? The answer to that is a complex one and I will attempt to be brief in my explanations. Quite frankly, it's like something you'd find in a Stephen King novel.

Part 3: The Identification

The first thing to cover, if you haven't already figured this out, the murder of this Jane Doe was delcared a homicide. The police and forensic teams both determined that Jane Doe's injuries were not accidental. She was in most respects, a healthy inidivdual. She had no prior history of helath issues, despite the fact that she was a smoker. I have read over the autopsy reports and I beleive something or someone did kill this young woman, but it was certainly not my client. It is also essential for the reader to know that Jane Doe was eventually identified, she was lying in the morgue, I bet she would have been cold if she were still alive, and a man who later identified himslef as Lot contacted the local police. This Mr. Lot claimed to the police that his wife had been missing for several days, and as a bit of a shocker to police, he had information regarding her death.

                                                                Part 4: A thoery develops

After viewing his young wife lying naked on a metal slab, Mr. Lot was very concievably a bit shaken up. Unlike Lazarus (whom my client knew very well) she would not rise again. I have also read over his official statement to police, and I have noticed several inconsistencies that I shall take the liberty of pointing out to the reader. Lot's official statement read that, on the evening of  April 15th Lot and his wife decided to take a walk from their quaint suburban home to the local park approximately 15 minutes away. Lot and his wife left for the walk at noon time with their little dog, Gideon, in tow. Lot described to police that the day was particularly bleak, with grey clouds and the threat of impending thunderstorms. After ther trio left their house, Lot articulated to police that he was feeling particularly uneasy about the day and he wasn't sure exactly why. "It was like a black cloud was hanging over me, and I felt really scared and I wasn't sure why," he said to police. When the couple and their dog reached the park, Gideon "started to park and he started to tug on the leash pretty furiously," Lot told police. Lot let the dog go and Gideon ran over into the nearby woods that straddled the edge of the park. Lot and his wife ran after the dog and they found Gideon barking at a bush, and the bush was on fire. Lot told police that "the bush was burning, the flame was blue and my dog was barking the hell away at it, like he was afraid of it or something." The strangest thing about Lot's statement, and the part I doublt the most, was that his official statement read that he heard a voice coming from the bush. He stated that "the voice was like a freight ran, it was really damn loud, the voice from the bush told me that my town was going to be destroyed. He said that I would need to find three virtous people to prevent it form being destroyed." As a lawyer, I take great issue with this statement due to thwe fact that my client said he was busy counseling the pope at that time and thus he could not have commnicated with Lot at that time. Lot told police that he thought "God was talking to him." Lot could never articulate why he thought the voice was God's, and thus this trial hinges on the word's of a man with significant mental helath problems. You see, Lot was a diagnosed paranoid scizophrenic, and he was on a heavy regiment of mednication intended to prevent his frequent hallucinations. Thus, the trial is hinging on a mentally instable individual. The police however, seemed to gloss over this fact because they felt that Lot's sown testimony was truly genuine. Lot then told police that he and his wife panicked and ran away from the burning bush. Lot then told police that the voice from said bush "shouted loud at us to stay where we were and that the voice of God did not want us to interfere with his plans." Lot continued and said that the voice "intended to punish that wicked for their crimes." However, the voice never stated what crimes these were, further adding to the ambiguity of Lot's testimony. Lot and his wife continued to run and then his wife suddenly collapsed. Lot claimed that "his wife fell over like a ton of bricks and wouldn't stop shaking, her eyes rolled back in her head and blood was running down her face." The most bizzre fact regarding Lot's statement is how he reacted to his wife's sudden condition, he stated that "I ran home and took a shower, I had to get that image of her out of my mind and I called the police once that voice stopped whispering to me." The police read over his statement and the manhunt for God officially began.

                                                                    Part 5: The Manhunt

A call came over police radios in seven different states and the FBI added God to their ten most wanted list. This happend several hours after Lot's statement to police. Given the nature of the victim, the police considered the crime particularly heinous. Police were instructed to visit churches and encourage priests to "communicate" with God and ask him to show himself. The priests were not told why they were being instructed to pray to God, and that is clearly a violation of their constitutional rights and it violates the confidentiality of the clergy as well. Eventually, after much praying a priest named Father Emmanuel experienced a vision from God. In this vision, God told Father Emmanuel that he would venture to earth and clear himself of the charges against him. When the news was made public, curtosey of facebook and several million tweets, the police began to devise plans for the arrest of God.

God arrived in the small town of Babylon, North Dakota. His arrival lacked a grand procession or the trumpets of angels that one would normally associate with the arrival of the almighty. God simply arrived, in his white robe and somber eyes, he arrived and headed for the nearest police station. He turned himself into police custody and he wished for a public defender, this is where I come into the story.

Part 6: The First Meeting

I first met God shortly after he was arrested, he struck me as being particularly somber and morose, not the confident and self-assured God that I was expecting to see. I asked him if he understood the charges that were being brought against him, second-degree murder, and he said he understood. I asked him to tell me his side of the story. God told me that he could not have communicated with this Mr. Lot and that it must have been the work of Lucifer. I told him that I understood his story and I also informed him that the State would try their best to convict him of this crime and we would have to portray him as an innocent and compassionate man. I told him I would be meeting with him again in a few days and I told him to remain calm above all else. I told him his hearing would be in a few weeks as well. I have already gone over my experiences in the pre-trial and thus I shall skip to the actual trial instead.

Part 7: The Trial

God sat directly next to me, I in my black suit, him in his orange prison outfit. The state sat across form us, stern and stoic as hell. The first witness was called to the stand by the state and he was arguably the most important to the state's case. It was Mr. Lot. The state began by asking him about what he witnessed the day of his wife's murder and his reaction to her death. Of course, the state was trying to build sympathy with the victim and demonize my client. When the state finished their direct examination, I approached Mr.Lot, asked him if he was taking his medication on the day of his encounter with "the burning bush," he said he had not. I asked Mr. Lot if he had experienced frequent hallucinations, due to his clinically diagnosed schizophrenia. Mr. Lot reluctantly explained that he had experienced visions before but that day was different, it felt different to him. I informed the jury that Mr. Lot had experienced frequent and intense hallucinations and thus they should take this into account when considering his testimony. I felt that we had successfully persuaded the jury that Mr. Lot's testimony was faulty at best and a complete hallucination at worst. During this entire process, God sat next to me and did not say a word, but I could feel the aura of despair that radiated off of him. He was being crucified for a second time.   

Part 8: The Verdict

The trial only lasted two days, and the only witness the state called was that of Mr. Lot, and I felt that I had successfully convinced the jury of my point regarding Mr. Lot. The jury deliberated for three hours, the verdict was read to a hushed courtroom,

not guilty

Sometimes you don't have to pray for a miracle.