Silken Confidante

A Poem by Tony F.M.

My big brother tried to warn me against
Kissing people, and I thought
It was funny because he's a s**t
Of epic proportions and I just kissed
My friend because kisses are cool.

"Sex will always have an element of
Primal, lust, skin-deep want. Even
If it’s tender. Kissing can be as chaste and
Soft as you like. It’s sort of like… sharing
Another person’s oxygen and breathing
With them. The way your naughts
And crosses fit together, it hasn’t got that same
Level of care in it. Sex is a big step, but the
First kiss is always the most important."
I didn't understand.
But… sex isn’t just primal and lust and skin-
Deep, not for me. It never has been. Kisses always
Were. My first kiss ever was just this tiny
Little graze of a thing and then a “see ya later, babe.”
It didn’t matter. It wasn’t anything important. It
Was just lips meeting. And even our first significant kiss
Wasn’t anything huge. Kissing was only ever kissing,
Not breathing, not sharing oxygen or fitting naughts
And crosses together. Kissing never had care in it,
it was just convenience. And I have to say I like it that way.
It’s not heavy,
Or scary,
When it’s just there. But sex is colossal. It’s huge.
It’s everything. It’s making noises you can’t help
And touching places you can’t see,
And that is breathing with someone,
That is sharing oxygen,
That’s intertwining every limb in every way and eliciting
Shots of adrenaline through veins that had never felt it before.
It has to be personal for me, because that person has to
Know and understand my limits when I’m physically
Incapable of speech, and I have to know theirs, and things like
Sisses down the contour of a back or teasing someone’s
Collarbone isn’t the same as just kissing.
Kissing doesn’t matter. Sex does.

It was right then that I realized that
We share a last name and it probably
Means more to me than to him,
Because somebody, somewhere, has kissed him like

It matters, and nobody's done that
For me. And I can tell him this, and we

Can argue, because we have two
Different perspectives, and this, now, is
Where I found out the sheen I've coated
Mine in and how soft his really is
And together we create silk
In our confidence within these tiny
Conversations we'd not hold with
Anyone else.
And I wonder if because we're not related
People won't see us as siblings
And I wonder if he thinks I want to kiss someone
Like it matters.. and I wonder
If I do. And I kind of wonder if I
Already have.