A Prescription for Love

Setting: The living room of a modest town house owned by an elderly couple.
Gladys: B! Pat Sajak! Gimme a B! Don't listen to that blonde bimbo!
*Screams at the T.V. leaning toward it*

Eugene: You said B last time and there weren't any.
*Said almost timidly*

Gladys: Oh hush! You don't even know how Wheel of a Fortune works.

Eugene: You say them letters to the pretty blonde girl and she puts
'em right up for you.

Gladys: I am still a brunette!

*Gladys and Eugene watch T.V. in silence for a moment*

Eugene: Maybe if we gave Pat Sajak our clicker box he wouldn't
have to make that girl touch the letters an' put 'em up herself.

Gladys: "Remote", Eugene. It's called a "remote". Besides, if
we're too old to understand our remote, I doubt he could control
one himself.

Eugene: We be quite a bit older than he is.

Gladys: Maybe you are. But I am DEFINITELY NOT.
*Lying*

Eugene: Well if you're so spry why don't ya take that cane of
yours and get me a glass of wine.

Gladys: You're just lucky my glass is empty, I was about to get another drink anyways.
*Gets up and walks towards the kitchen with their glasses*


*Conversation starts again while Gladys is still up getting wine*

Eugene: Gladys... I don't like how you been yelling at me.

Gladys: I’m a little cranky today. I went to moonlight bingo last night,
and of course after that you have to try the slots.

Eugene: You left here last night?!

Gladys: I can't stay cooped up with you forever Eugene! And besides,
if it makes you feel at all better I had a terrible time!

Eugene: I had the feelin' I had better sleep last night. Now I know why,
cuz you weren't there.

Gladys: Oh Eugene, once you fall asleep you wouldn't notice if you were in bed
with a porcupine.

Eugene: I'll tell you one thing. Ever since you stopped shavin' it felt like
I've been sleeping with a porcupine...

Gladys: Why should I keep myself tidy if all I do is sit around the house with
you?

*Small silence. Eugene and Gladys are steaming mad but slowly calm down.
Eugene's facial expression exclaims he just had an idea*

Eugene: ... Gladys? *Said meekly*

Gladys: What?!

Eugene: Do you think we should be spendin' time with different people
Not like marryin' different people. But like making friends, you know?
Remember 20 years ago how you'd always be going to them book
clubs and art classes. And I used to be out drinkin' with Jimmy and
the rest of them. We barely ever fighted  back when we was with more
than just each other.

Gladys: *Sad expression* Yes... We need to socialize with other people for a change...
How about we’ll make the next person we meet one of our friends?!

Eugene: It’s a deal.


*Gladys hands Eugene his wine glass and sits down*
*Gladys’ head hangs down, she closes her eyes, beginning to sleep*

*Doorbell rings, DING DONG*

Eugene: Uhh ... sweetheart? Gladys? Gladys!! There's someone at the door!

Gladys: What fresh hell is this?!
*Suddenly awaken*
*Storms toward the door with Eugene following behind*

*Gladys and Eugene stare blankly at the door, a metre away*

Gladys: It better not be another one of those short girls who come for our cookies.
Remember that Eugene? The nerve!

Eugene: Didnt she want our money instead?

Gladys: Either way, those girl scouts are not of God.

*Small silence*

Gladys: Well I'm definitely not opening it. Let's just have a peek at
whoever it is before you open it up.

*Gladys and Eugene peek obviously through the window
Nudging eachother out of the way so they can get a peek*


Gladys: Thank heavens! It's not a girl scout.
... Just don't put any faith into anything he says.

*Eugene reaches for the door knob and begins to slowly turn it*

Gladys: On second thought, let's  just sit back down and have more wine.
*panics/nervous, fidgeting*

Eugene: Gladys, we haven't had any house company for months anyways.
And don’t ya remember the deal we made?

Gladys: Well... Yes. Okay, open it.

*Eugene pulls the door open slowly, Gladys almost pulling Eugene
 back but decides not to right before contact*

*Gladys stands behind Eugene, clenching onto his shirt*

*A young man stands in front of them, somewhat dressy, with
papers, pamphlets, folders, and a briefcase in hand*

Salesman: Good evening sir *Extends neck to look behind Eugene
and glances at Gladys* Good evening mam

Gladys: Well well well... A young thing.
What do you need us for? *suspicious*

Salesman: My name is Michael and--
*Reaches out to give Eugene a handshake*

Eugene: And my name is--
*Cut off by Gladys*

Gladys: Shh Eugene! It's not a sin to to keep some things private!

*Salesman stunned*

Salesman: Well anyways sir and mam, I'm from OMSO. Ontario
Magazine Subscription Organization. And I --
*Interrupted by Eugene*

Eugene: Well what do ya think of him Gladys? We need to meet new
people.

Gladys: He certainly is a handsome boy.
*Emerges from behind Eugene*
Trevor, darling, or whatever your name is. *Said to Michael*
Want to go out for a night of drinking with my husband?

Salesman: Sorry miss, but I think you're confused. I'm here to sell
magazine subscriptions.
*Gladys and Eugene are not at all tuned in to what the salesman is saying*

Eugene: *Said to Gladys* Hm... Maybe YOU should spend some time with him.
You probably need to do some socializing more than me.
I'll just find someone else to spend my time with.
*Said to salesman* Son, do you like shopping? My wife here would like
to do some shopping with you.


Salesman: Listen to me! *Frustrated at the fact he has been ignored*
I am here to sell MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS *Yells in their ears*
I do not want to spend time with you.

Gladys: Hold on... hold on here... Don’t get mad. I guess you just have to do some paper work now
if you want a friend. Let me see those papers, Trevor.
*Takes Michael's magizine subscription papers out of his hands*

Salesman: It's Michael
*Said angrily but again ignored by Eugene and Gladys*

Gladys: *Looks down at papers, reading quickly and mumbling*
"Are you interested in knowing the top stories in what's going on in
the world? Or are you interested in light humour and jokes? Maybe
you desire reading heart wrenching anecdotes of both fiction and non
fic-"
What in God's name is this?! Some friend you're turning out to be, Trevor.

Salesman: LISTEN YOU TWO. I am selling magazine SUBSCRIPTIONS.
I do NOT want to be your friend. Once again, I AM SELLING MAGAZINE
SUBSCRIPTIONS! *Loses control of himself*

Eugene: Gladys... I think he just said he wants our medicine PRESCRIPTIONS!

Salesman: No! I am selling magazine SUBSCRIPTIONS!
*Ignored*

Gladys: Merciful Mary! We need our medication, Trevor!
*Terrified*

Salesman: Lady, it’s OKAY! That’s not why I’m here!

*Salesman ignored once again*

Gladys: You can't just take our prescriptions away from us! PLEASE! I'm sure we must have paid for them!
*Consumed in worry/sadness/disbelief*

Eugene: Now you listen here you dirty dog! I need my eldopamine and she
needs her codeine and--
*cut off by salesman*

Salesman: Can't atleast ONE of you listen to me?!?!?!
*Yelled very loud, finally being able to interrupt Gladys and Eugene mid sentence*

Eugene:One?! If you’re gonna be takin' one of our prescriptions you better be takin' mine!
But I think that if you wanna be smart you better step back before I have to deal with you.

* Eugene is very angry and VERY defensive of Gladys, stepping towards the salesman*

Gladys: Eugene! You can't do without your eldopamine! You need it twice a day!
I can do without my codeine for a week or two... maybe!
*Extremely concerned. Terrified. Almost crying.*

Salesman: You are the most IGNORANT... SENILE... DERANGED and BESERK couple
I have been faced with in all my career! Why is it that you understand what each other
is saying yet not me?! I am SORRY I ever knocked on your door!
*Said VERY loud and filled with emotion*
*Salesman storms off*
*Make sure you emphasize the word "SORRY" more than all the other words*

*Moment of silence with Eugene and Gladys together in shock*

Gladys: He- He's gone!
You did it Eugene!

Eugene: I think he said he was sorry or something. Maybe we wasn't the ones he was
supposed to be takin’ the prescriptions from.

Gladys: Eugene! This was JUST like that night 40 years ago at the bar! Remember that
twisted prevert you got to stop flirting with me? ... Remember that night Eugene?!
*Still worked up with left over emotions from the salesman but also happy*

Eugene: I remember that Gladys.

*Eugene and Gladys walk slowly back to their seats*

Eugene: Hunny, could you pass me the remote?

Gladys: Here's your "clicker box", Eugene.
*Said sweetly, smiling, lovingly*

*Small silence while watching T.V.*

Eugene: You know what Gladys? I'm sure you could put them letters up on this game
show better than that blonde girl can. I'd rather be lookin' at you anyway.

Gladys: Oh Eugene!
*Said softly yet filled with emotion, Gladys is smiling bigger than ever*

*Small silence while watching TV*

*DING DONG doorbell rings*

*Eugene and Gladys tense up, just about to get out of their seats to get the door then
come to a realization*

Eugene: Let's not get it this time.

Gladys: *smiles at Eugene* I really think we should get rid of that door bell.
*Said sweetly to Eugene*

*2 second silence of watching T.V.*

Gladys: Eugene?

Eugene: Yes?

Gladys: Do you know where my razor is? I'd like to shave my legs for you tonight.


*Music plays to signify the end of the story*