Imperfect Version of an Imperfect World

            True perfection isn’t possible in such an imperfect world like this. However, there is always a highest that you can go. I call this the perfect version of the imperfect world. And I found this highest point that was possible. I did the impossible and found the hidden perfection that wasn’t meant to exist in this imperfect world. Everything became perfect. This life was perfect. And most importantly she was perfect.

            I had found a true love that I never thought could have existed in a world like this. Sure, she wasn’t technically perfect, and neither was I. We still lived in the same world, and would have to struggle with still very real problems. But despite all of this we found our perfect world. We found this perfect version of this imperfect world. We found the one thing that could be perfect in this world, which was our love.

            We found a kind of perfection that can only exist in an imperfect world like this. Technically, we weren’t perfect. This world still wasn’t perfect. Everything around us was still imperfect, but we found our perfect world anyway. We became a paradox. We still lived in the world where perfection isn’t possible, but we found our perfection anyway.

            Or at least that’s what I thought.

            Life was perfect, but I might have just been ignorant of how this world truly worked. All I know is that this kind of perfection I found didn’t last forever.

            I lost her. All the perfection in my life disappeared in an instant and I found myself back in the ugly real world. She was gone, and she was never coming back. I became nothing. Nothing meant anything to me anymore and I no longer had anything to live for. I had to force myself to go to school and would just stare out the window all day, daydreaming of the time I had with her. She became only a memory of a life I had but will never be able to get back. Love is something you only experience once, for there is only one person out there for you. My one love is gone so now I am nothing.

            There was a new student. I just ignored it and went back to looking purposelessly out the window. There was no reason for me to care about things like this anymore. But I heard whispering around the class room. They said strange things like that she looked strange in a way and had a weird aura around her. They seemed a bit confused in a way of how to describe her. I eventually turned and looked up at the new student and our eyes met for but a moment. I kept up my apathy and just turned and looked back out the window because as interesting as she might potentially be it still didn’t matter at all. But I could see what they meant though, she was definitely different.

            I hear a noise next to me and turn to see her sitting next to me. She didn’t seem to care much about the other people in the class. I almost wondered what her story was and what made her like this. When I saw her and what made everyone confused about her was her eyes and expression. She was in no way the cute, shy little transfer student who would be lots of fun to be around. She seemed like she was just done, she was over it and didn’t care about anything anymore. She wasn’t interested in making friends, nor do other people interest her. She just wanted to be alone. She was almost a bit like me, in a way.

            “I think we should stick together.” She said to me. “If we’re on our own we stand out and people will come to us.”

            “Find someone else, I’m not interested.” I said trying to get rid of her.

            “You have the same eyes that I do. I don’t want you to be my friend. I want you to help me not stand out. I have no interest in the people here, and you seem to be someone who’d ignore me the most.”

            “Do what you want. Just leave me alone.” I decided to just ignore her since she didn’t seem like she’d talk to me much. At first I wondered if other people would get the wrong idea but then I realised that I could care less what others think of me.

            It felt weird in a way, knowing that someone was always with me despite neither of us having any interest in each other or even talking. I didn’t really care, and if everyone left me alone like I wanted then I guess it didn’t matter anyway. I had my doubts though. Something told me that the imperfections of this world weren’t finished with me yet.

            And for quite a while it seemed to work. I don’t know if others were afraid of us and our dead expressions or if people just didn’t notice or care. Their intentions didn’t matter to me as long as they left me alone. But as I kept staring out into space thinking of her I started to feel guilty for abandoning my life like this. She probably would want me to continue with my life and move on. If I really loved her then I should definitely do that then right? But even if I were to move on, where would I go?

            “Umm...Excuse me.” I hear a nervous young girl from my class standing near us looking at me. There was no one else around, other than the new girl next to me, so she was clearly talking to me. I don’t bother greeting her and just look at her blankly.

            “I was wondering if I could get some help with something.” She said to me.

            “Not interested.” I say and try to brush her off without anything happening.

            “It’s something that only you can help me with!” She said suddenly. I turned back to look at her.

            “I doubt it but I guess I’ll hear you out until I lose interest.” I say. I had really gotten to a point where I don’t care what others thought of me. I know I’m being rude and all but I’m not in the mood to “make friends” or “socialise” with others. It’s best if they just stay away from me.

            “You’re that boy who had a girlfriend last year right? I’m really sorry to bring it up but I was wondering if I could get some advice on love.”

            “I’m not the only one who has had a girlfriend before.”

            “But you’re the only one who’s experienced true love here before!” She suddenly interjected. “I used to watch you two and I felt so jealous of how real and pure your love for each other was. In a word it was perfect. I had never seen anything like that before.”

            “What would you even want me to do anyway? There’s nothing I can say or describe about love.”

            “Well, the thing is, there’s already a boy I like and I want you to help me get close to him. I don’t talk to boys much so I really don’t know what he’d like or how to approach it. What can I do to get closer to him?”

            I pause and look at her closely for a few seconds. She avoids my looks and looks at the ground really nervous and shy. “If that’s what you want then you should have said so sooner.” I see her raise her head a little in hope. “But before that I have three questions for you.”

            “Yeah, ask me anything. I really want this to go well so I’m not going to keep any secrets.” She said excited.

            “Oh, I didn’t mean about that.” I say, turning to her with an evil glint in my eye. “If you were to alter yourself so that a boy would like you then would it really be you that he likes? And if you can just manipulate him to like you by doing certain things then would you really even like someone like that? But lastly, if you did get him to like you by using this method then would any of it truly be real at all?”

            She stops. She loses all of her excitement and even nervousness and just looks at the ground. It was clearly not what she expected to hear from me and it’s taking her a while to process it. She didn’t know what to say so she just stood there confused.

            “If you want real love then my interference won’t help. And if you want fake love then I wouldn’t help anyway so there’s nothing else to be said on this anymore.” I say as I get up and walk away. She just sits there crouched over. I think she might have even started crying but it wasn’t my problem anymore.

            “Well aren’t you a nice guy.” I hear my shadow behind me say.

            “I don’t need your judgement. I could care less what others think of me but either way I didn’t do anything wrong.”

            “You mean snapping at an innocent young student isn’t wrong?”

            I turn and look at her straight in the eyes. We both stop in our tracks and pause. A few seconds go by. “Did you think I was angry then? You think I had some kind of bias because she brought her up?” I didn’t say any more. She clearly doesn’t get how this works. It’s only after looking deep into someone’s eyes that you can truly see someone’s intentions.

            She didn’t speak again. She just stayed silent, following me like a shadow like she usually did. I don’t know if I shocked her and honestly I don’t care. I went back to staring out into space. I started feeling more guilt though. I don’t know how I was meant to move on from what happened but I knew deep down that she wouldn’t want me treating people like this.  Maybe I should consider coming back to this world.

            I look around and occasionally see the girl who came up to me wondering around. She looked lost and confused as usual but seemed to get along with others and always appear cheerful. She seemed like a nice person. Strangely, she didn’t seem as affected by our encounter as I thought. She caught my glance once and then turned away being shy and nervous as usual but there was something different about her reaction that I couldn’t figure out.

            It wasn’t until we had lunch that I realised what happened.

            “So you finally figured it out.” My shadow says, making reappearance. I ignore her and go back to thinking.

            What I saw was the girl walking around chatting with a boy on friendly terms. The way they were acting I would say that they had known and talked to each other before and are probably even together. They were cute together and really looked like a good couple. But then the question was that if they were already a couple then why did she come to me to ask for help?

            “You realised your mistake now yeah?” Shadow says to me.

            “Damn this imperfect version!” I mumble to myself. Or rather, damn this hope of a perfect one. I know that the perfect version of this world isn’t coming back but why does this demon called imperfection have to taunt and toy with me like this?

            The fact is that it wasn’t what I expected. I was too used to dismissing others and not caring that I completely missed a major factor. The worst part was that I know that I had to fix it, which involves more communication in this stupid world I live in.

            I even knew that I’d have to get involved soon, because there was an obvious opportunity to check my theory. We had to write an English essay today. I waited after class and asked the teacher if I could read her essay, or at least ended up reading it one way. It was exactly as I expected; it was awful.

            I stayed back after school and after finding her I asked to walk home with her. I usually catch a bus but it’s not too far a walk either I guess. She didn’t seem to mind and I know why. I walk in front of her because my house is further away so it was going to take more time but I slow down so I don’t go ahead.

            “It’s really hard to understand people sometimes.” I say, still walking ahead of her so she can’t see my face. “You really aren’t good at putting your thoughts into words are you?”

            “No, I can never say what I want to say properly. But your intentions clearly weren’t mean or angry either.”

            “You see more than I thought.

I feel so pathetic now for being overestimated on something like this though. You got excited because you thought that I understood what you meant right? It even makes sense because the old me would have figured it out. The worst part is that I can’t even blame you for any of this because I should have figured it out. Instead I just dismissed you without a second’s thought. It’s weird how normal people can look on the surface when they mean something completely different. I guess I wasn’t ready to come back to this world at the time to notice. Not that I will ever be able to come back to this world like I used to be.” I say taking a pause as we walked along.

            “Yeah, I have always been bad at communication. I can never say what I truly feel or see. A lot of the time it’s as if words can’t describe how things are meant to be, but it might just be that my brain can’t think fast enough to come up with things on the spot. Even now what I’m saying was pre-thought up on the chance that I talk to you or someone and have to explain this. What I wanted to ask you was how I complete my relationship with him in this imperfect world. We both know that we’re the ones for each other but this world of limitations and impurities has confused me. How did you do it?”

            “It’s kind of strange how there really was a way to help you despite me supposedly summarising all options. I’m really not good at this anymore. But what I would say is the most important factor is complete openness with each other. The two things involved with that are to not judge each other and not get offended. If you have those two things going both ways, then you can fully be open with one another.

            “And when that happens you’ll have no need for someone like me anymore.” I say quietly afterwards.

            I notice her stop as our paths separate. She didn’t say anything but I noticed her smile at me happy that things were resolved now.

            “One last thing before you go.” I say to finish it up. “You as an individual are weak to this world of imperfections. However, with him you can move up into the perfect world. Go there and stay there. Be there for each other and go beyond this world of imperfections. I was there once and it was truly perfect. I hope you manage to get there.” I walk away and raise one arm as a wave as I walk off. I didn’t get a good enough look but I have a feeling that she was starting to cry happy tears.

            I felt a pain in my heart appear once again. All I could think of was “her”. The person I loved who I would never see again. The world I once lived in but can never return. The worst part is that I can see where the flow is going. I’m going to end up getting involved again with this stupid world that I live in. Only a truly imperfect and evil world could turn such a great and perfect thing into a curse that I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. I stop and look up at the open sky.

            “Sigh.”

            That word pretty much sums up my existence now. I am destined to forever sigh...

           

            I should really listen to my own advice. You become one. Losing her was the same as losing me. If I could move on it would mean that she didn’t mean enough to me. I’m empty because she was a part of me. I can pretend that it goes up from here, and even that she would want me to move on and forget her, but it just doesn’t work like that. I’ve long since reached my peak in this world. However, that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing left for me here.

 

            This world hadn’t changed though. Despite me actually having a significant interaction with someone, the first in a while’s time, nothing changed.  I never saw much of that person to begin with so all I have is a random connection with her, which means nothing to people who won’t cross paths. She goes on with her life and I stay stuck here in this stagnant, ugly world that is left for me.

            I look at the girl next to me when she wasn’t looking. She might be interesting and have a few things to say but she is still infinitely too far off from her, and will never be able to replace her. I guess I should be thankful to have someone like her here though, it’s sort of convenient I guess. But after having someone that meant that much to me she still means absolutely nothing to me.

            There once was a time when I was quite popular and approachable. I was someone special who had a lot to say. There was this side of me where I had a very good way of looking at things and always seemed to have an answer to everything. But after becoming one with someone I guess that she took that side of me when she left. I’m not even a person anymore, just an empty shell of a person that was once great.

            We had a new class though, a kind of discussion or philosophical class or something. I think it was a class at least, I didn’t pay much attention though. I heard my name though and looked up. What caught me off guard was the word that was written on the board, which apparently was the topic we were discussing.

            Love.

            “Tell me your thoughts on love.” The teacher said to me.

            There was a pause of death that went over the room as it happened. Everyone braced themselves like they were waiting for a volcano to erupt. Everyone became motionless and silent, there was not even the sound of the wind or the birds outside.

            Even I didn’t know what to say. No one expected this to happen, and it surprised me the most. However, I still had to say something.

            “Love doesn’t exist in this imperfect world. You can call it what you want, and pretend it’s love but it’s not. Love is only for those fortunate enough to live in the perfect world, and those who have never been there have no right to even say that word.” I turn away, and go back to ignoring the class. I didn’t even care about the people’s reactions, or bothered to listen to what he said. Even if he asked me something I wouldn’t have replied or cared. I think I made my point very clear.

            “I never thought I would have seen someone as negative as you.” I hear my shadow say to me. “And I never have seen someone be so different to what people told me you were like. Everything averages out to the same point, and because of how low you have gotten I guess the reason is because of how high you apparently once were.”

            “I thought you said you had no interest in me. Is there a point to this?” I say coldly to brush her off. She was the one who started this but if she’s going to talk to me too much this isn’t going to work. I just turn away and ignore her, how she reacted or what her thought process was I didn’t know or care enough about to bother with.

            The next day I found a note on my desk addressed to me. The classroom was decently full so it was unclear who it was from. This is what it wrote.

            You probably don’t know who I am but what you said really spoke to me. I heard what you said to that girl the other day, and despite how cold and rude you seemed I could see your wisdom and good intentions in it. I’ve been needing advice on love for some time now but have always been too awkward and distant from everyone to ask. I wanted to know how to change so that someone could like me but you’ve shown me how I’ve been missing the point of it all and what love is really about. We probably won’t meet but I wanted to show you that I was thankful for what you said, even though it probably wasn’t aimed at me. I think you are really smart and have a lot of wisdom to share. Thank you. What you said meant a lot to me and has helped me move forward.

            There once was a time when I was a great person. Every supposed mistake I made I would somehow turn out to have a purpose and meaning to it that I always had confidence in. I was a step ahead of everything and people once marvelled my way of thinking. I guess that involuntarily I might still be the same person. It didn’t even occur to me that what I said could have been overheard by someone else, and had an impact on them. When I said it I was arrogant, and thought that the rude, misunderstood kind of way of saying it with good intentions made me clever and cool. But then I thought that I had made a mistake. I was always a step ahead, and this time I was two steps ahead of this weakling that apparently is what is left of me. If it were the old me I would have known and planned for the purpose that my words had. Not once did I ever doubt myself on things like this.

            This just shows how far I have fallen.

 

            I never noticed it before but there are couples everywhere at the school. Love seems to be a big thing at the moment, and the atmosphere everywhere you go is filled with it. But what surprised me the most was the progress everyone had made. A lot of couples I saw might actually be able to make it to that perfect world I once lived in.

            “Man, everywhere you go there are couples. Love is everywhere, it’s such a drag.” I hear next to me. Although even I don’t see why that would be a bad thing. If it was fake and ugly love, then that would be something but it didn’t appear to be. And if it’s because she’s not involved then she’s just selfish and jealous.

            “What’s wrong with seeing love everywhere? I think it’s great. Everyone’s so happy and it’s so sweet to see such cute couples.” I hear someone reply to my shadow.

            “I could care less about the couples, it’s the rest of the school that annoys me. Everyone’s obsessed with love, and only care about getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. The new couples aren’t going to go very well. People forget about the very big step that’s before love, which is why it’s going to be such a drag.”

            “The step before love?” The girl said confused but apparently my shadow lost interest in them and went back to reading or doing homework or whatever it was she was doing.

            I look over to see who it was that actually talked to her. I don’t know what I was expecting but it was just one of the girls in my class who was of no significance. What I did find interesting was what my shadow was doing.  It looked like she was writing in her diary, something not school related or for study. The title at the top of the page was, “The Forgotten World”.

           

            In one of our later classes our teacher never showed up. The teacher next door told us to just study on our own, but couldn’t oversee us because they had to teach their own class. So our class was left without a teacher, which meant that no one would study and everyone was just doing whatever they wanted and chatting off in their own groups.

            “So what’s your story then?” I hear a voice talking to my shadow, a guy this time.

            She just ignores him.

            “You see. This is why no one is interested in you. You’re even really pretty too, if you were a bit nicer you could easily get a boyfriend. But what kind of guys do you even like though? You don’t seem interested in anyone here. Don’t tell me you lost your boyfriend or something, and that’s why you’re all depressed and stuff.”

            He definitely crossed the line there, and not because of me sitting next to her like everyone else there would have thought.

            I could feel the atmosphere around her change, furious like she was about to burst with rage. She still had an emotionless face though, probably even more uncaring than usual.  She suddenly pushed her chair back and stood up, slamming her hands on the table. She didn’t say a word and just left.

            The whole class went silent as soon as he finished talking, but it felt even quieter when she up and left. They all just stared at her shocked and confused.

            “What did I say?” He said to me.

            “Look, she lives in a different world to us. Who knows how it works.”

            “So do you know if she has a boyfriend outside of school or something.” He says ignoring me. “Everyone cares about love right. Even she would want a boyfriend, not that anyone here likes her.”

            “I’m not her friend and know nothing about her, leave me alone.”

            We didn’t have a teacher for quite a while. People just went back to whatever they were doing as I just ignored them again and went back to looking out the window. A few minutes later I hear the chair next to mine move and saw someone else sitting in my shadows seat.

            “You said she lives in a different world to everyone. What world is that?” She says to me.

            “How am I supposed to know.”

            “You’ve always been someone to see a lot. Surely you’ve still got more to say on this.”

            “Just ask her yourself. I’m not interested in any of this.”

            “Sorry but I don’t believe you. I think that you just don’t know, and am as curious as I am deep down inside. To think that there’s a world that you aren’t aware of. But in this case I don’t even know if the former you would understand this one. This world can work in strange ways, is my reasoning for this.”

            She gets up and starts walking back, but then stops for a moment.

            “And don’t worry. I’ll be sure to ask her when you’re around.”

 

            What just happened was very surreal. She saw right through me, but didn’t. She didn’t see my intentions, but saw something else. She saw something that was to do with who I was, and what I was after. Am I after a new world? Is that what she saw and why she could see how deep down I was really curious of my shadow? Who is this person? To anyone else our conversation wouldn’t have stood out or be that significant but there was so much more to this person.

            I was so lost in thought. There were two things that were completely beyond me. Two worlds that I knew nothing about. Two people with a lot more too them than what I know and can see. Even my old self I feel wouldn’t have an answer or response for this. I used to live in a perfect world, but what I see now is that there exist many other worlds out there. I felt a tiny flicker of life come back to me. I can’t change the fact that I’m dead inside but I can still take a look at these other worlds that exist. I can’t live in them but if anything it’s something that is completely new to me.

            And all I had to do was watch.

            It finally happened. I was actually waiting and looking forward to this. The girl came over to our seats and she pulled up a chair and sat down with us.

            “Ever since you came here you’ve been different to everyone here. I don’t mean your apathy or coldness, but there is very much something different inside of you that appears to be alien to everyone else here. As your friend said, “You live in a different world.” Now what world is that?”

            “So someone finally asks, and might be able to understand.” She says as I can almost see a little excitement in her. “The world I live in is weakening and dying. It’s being replaced and ignored. It’s truly sad to see as someone who still lives there. The world I’m talking about is the world of true friendship. A word that has become cliché and has been replaced with love.”

            It hit both of us at the same time. Thinking back, it all makes sense. A world I can’t see. The step before love. Even the focus now being on love rather than truly having a friend. I completely skipped this world and lived in the world of true love. But what she said was still true though, apparently a few of us being the exceptions, which is that love comes after true friendship. Skipping straight to love is impatient and dangerous, and will have consequences. And she hasn’t even considered love yet because she wants to have a true friend first.

            In fact, she probably was all depressed because of how hard it was and how ugly this imperfect world is. She hasn’t even found anyone with even a potential chance of being a true friend to her. Like she said, her world truly is dying. She lives in the forgotten world.

            “Is there anything else you want to ask me, or talk about?” My shadow says surprisingly politely.

            “I really wish I could. I’m really glad I got to hear this and get a better understanding of you. The truth is that I’m getting transferred to a different school so I won’t be seeing you again. I really would like to hear more about this world though, as a fellow person who still lives in it.” She says and she walks away.

            So that was the other world that I wondered about for all this time. I almost felt a little disappointed at how real and normal it seems, despite realising its significance and depth.

            I don’t think my shadow and I talked the whole day, despite both being aware and interested in the conversation she had with that other girl. I was just lost in thought for the rest of the day, and I imagine she was too.

            I was about to walk onto the bus I take when I noticed the girl who was transferring schools there.

            “I don’t know if we’ll meet again, but rest assured that there is another world out there, that you know even less of than this one.” She says as she walks away.

            I guess that was what I needed. A kind of hope you could say. I’m still mostly dead inside, but now at least I have my curiosity. I was never going to get a happy ending, but at least I’ll see what else there is for me here.

            The next day I walk to my seat and see my shadow sitting there as per usual.

            “So that’s the world you are from then, huh? You know, we should partner up. Even if we can perfect the world we live in there are going to be an infinite amount of other ones out there. We don’t live in the same worlds either, so we aren’t going to be friends or lovers, but something completely different.  In fact, we might even still not care about each other. Despite this, I think we have a lot to give to this physical world that connects everyone. Do you think that we should officially drop the act of being depressed and apathetic?”

            She looks at me silently as I say it all. She then smiles and leans back looking straight up.

            “Yeah I guess it is time for us to come back to the real world.”

            And that is how our strange partnership began. I don’t know what we were, or how we felt about each other but we were still there. The atmosphere changed around us and we became friendlier and approachable again. We interacted with a lot of people and made an impact on our school. In fact, I felt like the world she lived in might even be making a comeback, as true friendship became a thing again. She still never found her true friend though. She might even be destined to never find that person, which is probably even worse than finding them and losing them like I did. We had nothing to lose, and no reason not to do anything. We were just kind of there without our own purposes anymore, helping others along with their stories.