Part 2: The many factors of life

(see description of book)

I reach into my bag and pull out a deck of cards. One thing that I seem to remember from before this life was a game called black jack. It was strange because the brave thing to do in that game was to ask for another card and if you didn’t it just looked like you were a coward. But that’s not how it works. Being brave is doing something that you will never find out if it was right or wrong. That’s what a true gamble is. To just ask for another card means that you are just taking the easy way out and finding out which decision was right or wrong. It’s people who follow that logic that don’t survive here in the trenches. I feel like it’s this reverse logic that’s allowed me to survive this long. Some might call me a coward but in reality it’s just surviving. Being brave or gambling in that way means nothing if you die. Sure, I probably could have gone back in the direction I came and take a perpendicular route but if I always make decisions like that then one day it’s going to be the wrong one.

            The thing is that I don’t even know if they knew that I was there. For all I know they could have just turned around and headed back from where they came from. But thinking like that or wondering what happened doesn't matter. I’m not going to find out so I’m going to leave it at that. Thinking about things that have no relevance to you anymore is pointless. My brain is really tired and weak so it’s best to not think too much unless necessary.

            It’s a scary thought though. As I’m walking through the trenches I don’t even remember or recognise anything. In theory I just came through here so did I really forget it that quickly or did I go the wrong way somewhere? Either way, it’s not a very pleasant thought. I feel like I’m thinking too little, and that it will cost me. My brain has gotten too weak. Or there’s an even scarier thought; that I’ve been everywhere around the trenches. I’ve been in here for a very long time so how many times have I gone through these same areas? Do I just naturally forget where I've been now? Is it just second nature now, because I always keep going through the same trenches eventually forgetting them anyway? The things you don't know and possibilities that could happen can be very scary.

            I was still just sitting there staring at my deck of cards. Something seemed off. I don't know what it was but I didn't really feel like getting back up and continuing walking. Maybe I just got lost in thought, or the nostalgia of this card game had an affect on me. I don't really understand a lot of what happens here. I look around and nothing seems off. I don't see any signs of anyone else being here so I don't know what this feeling is. I guess it's best to just ignore it because you would be surprised how much energy you waste worrying over things and getting nervous.

            But then as I get up and start walking again I suddenly here a noise and before I could react I find myself pinned onto the ground.

            "I'm sorry for this but I mean you no ill will. I don't want to fight but I can't tell if other people do so I want to make sure first. I just want to talk." He says to me from behind. I don't even know what he looks like but from what I remember of people I don't think that matters much. Everyone seems forgetable anyway.

            "I don't understand what you're asking of me. I only care about surviving, going out of my way to attack others is just a waste of energy. You've beaten me and could kill me at any moment, but I could care less about losing, all I'm trying to do is survive. What do you want with me?"

            He just stops and we just sit there in the same position for a moment. There's silence and nothing's happening. I didn't want to make a move or do anything to provoke him so I just lie there silently. If I have anything it's patience.

            He eventually gets off of me and I stand up and brush myself off. He didn't say anything but I turn around and look at him. He just stares at me looking deep into my eyes. I feel like he's looking into my soul and seeing everything there is to know about me. It intimidates me but only on the inside. I don't flinch or show any significant sign of emotion. It's kind of strange how I can keep my cool in a situation like this. I guess I've been through a lot of situations like this.

            He then sits down and looks at me from on the ground. It was then that I realised how camouflaged he is with the ground and dirt. I guess he was there the whole time without making a sound or moving a muscle.

            "Have a seat." He says as he motions to the floor.

            I sit down because I don't have any reason not to and I don't see what he could do to me that he wouldn't have done already.

            "I noticed you have a deck of cards with you. Do you want to play a card game?"

            It caught me off guard at first but it makes sense now that I think about it. It wasn't something that came to mind but in these trenches there's not much to do and there's nothing to do for fun. Playing a game is something I had pretty much forgotton of and didn't ever occur to me. You never know anyone to play games with because everything here is about survival and everyone betrays others or at least is suspicious of them. I bet pretty much all friendships formed in the trenches have turned into betrayal and a lot of the time even death. But he isn't coming to me as a friend, he's smart enough for that. It's a strange scenario but I think it'll lighten the dreary atmosphere around the place.

            "Do you know any card games?" I ask him.

            "No I think I've forgotten all of the ones I would have known. Do you?"

            "The only one I remember is a simple game called Black Jack."

            The time seemed to go by really quickly. I explained to him how to play from what I could remember and we filled in the gaps with whatever seemed to make the most sense. We were probably playing it wrong but neither of us seemed to care. We played a few rounds and eventually it became night time so we decided to leave. It was strange how two people who have never met could sit down and play a card game in a place like this only to leave each other and never see each other again. There are many strange mysteries to this place and how the people here think.

            But it wasn't until after he left that I had time to reflect on what happened. The first thing that occured to me was that he completely caught me off guard and could have killed me. If it were someone else I would have easily died then. I found it strange because of how long I appear to have survived and how aware of things around me I usually am. I don't remember getting caught off guard like that much so am I just lucky or was something different about me? Or was it something else. But if you look at it another way, maybe I got caught off guard because I wasn't threatened. If my awareness and control over my nerves and caution is all involuntary and have been developing over the time I've been here then maybe they only react when I am in danger. If they reacted to everything then they would waste a lot of my energy so maybe my senses really have evolved over time.

            The other thing that I found interesting was how he played cards. We were polar opposites in our play styles. He would usually go for the extra card whereas I usually stayed with what I had. He busted a few times and I could have safely gotten a new card a few times. The thing that worried me though was that he won. I don't know if it was luck or some kind of pattern with the way that I shuffle the cards but in the end he came out on top. Am I really wrong about my approach to this? I guess maybe I'm not a gambler and that what I do isn't really gambling. However, if there's one thing I know it's that it was just a card game and nothing too significant. I can't let it affect me and I don't think that you can really find out much from a few rounds of it. If we had been playing a lot more and it always went in his favour then it might be something to think about but it wasn't and in my opinion still qualifies as nothing.

            But then there's the other aspect of this; boredom. Or maybe the opposite of boredom rather. I wouldn't have thought to interact with someone just to play a card game. I don't think many people would have. Isn't doing something just for fun really that important? I mean, we have been here for a long time but what purpose does fun have here?

            In the end though our encounter had a negative result though. All it did was make me question things and start thinking more, as well as being more worried about my abilities now. Playing a game doesn't help you at all here. And there's always something negative about everything. There's a cost for everything we do, things like energy and time. They're always there. So if we look at it that way our encounter was bad. But it really feels weird looking at it like that. I'm only looking at the factors that I'm aware of so I really don't know what else there would be here.

            My head hurts and I start to feel tired. He left and I don't even remember where he went but I decided to just stay where I was. It was a strange day but I guess at least it was interesting? I've thought way too much though so I'm going to turn my brain off for a while.