A different view

Simply put this is a short story about a rapist but it's not what you would expect.

   I see a school girl walking down a back alley. She’s lost. She doesn’t know what to do. It’s late and she’s scared.  I slowly walk towards her sticking to the shadows. She doesn’t know I’m there. She walks around a corner and I sneak up behind her. I grab her from behind and cover her mouth with my hand. I force her down and take her into an empty building nearby. I force her on to the ground and pull her pants down.
    She starts screaming at first but eventually gives up on everything and just lies there with her head hung over. It was dark so she never saw my face. She has no way of knowing who it was. Once I’m done with her I go take her outside and throw her to the side of the alley way.
   “I’m sorry, but that’s just how this world works. What people can do is just the luck of the draw; the fact that I was the strong and you were the weak wasn’t something either of us could change.  The strong have a right to abuse the weak, I know it sounds wrong but it’s just something that you wouldn’t be able to understand.” I walk away and disappear into the darkness of the night.
    I find myself at home and I just stare out the window looking up at the moon. I’m a rapist. I live under the night sky and prey on the weak. I take a glass of alcohol and start drinking it. I don’t even know or remember what I was drinking but anything to take away the pain. I’m not a normal rapist though. I don’t do it because I’m selfish or because I’m mentally insane or anything like that. No, I do it because I’m allowed to. I’m not the kind of person you’d expect to find doing things like this. In fact, I went out of my way to become a rapist.
    It’s not often I find people wondering around here at night. People seem to have realised how bad an idea it was but I still occasionally find new people. I find a new target. She’s alone, and still in school. She has an interesting atmosphere around her though. I wouldn’t say that it’s confidence but something similar. She didn’t look scared or lost like the other people I find. However, she was still small, weak and attractive so she was definitely my next target. I catch her easily, force her down easily. In fact she barely made any resistance and didn’t even scream. I force her against a wall face first and start pulling her pants down but then she finally says something.
    “If you’re going to rape me then rape me in the front. Doing it from behind is like hiding from the eyes of your victim.”
    I turn her around and push her so that her back is against the wall and so that she’s completely pinned. She just stares deep into my eyes, completely ignoring the fact that both of our pants were going down. As I did it there was a little shock at first but then she got back to looking at my eyes. I could feel the judgemental intent of her stare as she tried to pierce through my conscious. I didn’t hesitate or flinch even once. I could tell her lose confidence in her stare as it went on and a worried, scared look came over her face. I finished up with her and tossed her to the side like a ragdoll that no longer interested me. I was about to walk away when I heard her speak again.
    “How come you didn’t have even a hint of guilt or sorrow in your eyes? Are you even human?”
    “The world doesn’t work in the ways you’d think. I don’t feel guilty because I didn’t do anything wrong. The strong are allowed to oppress the weak, that’s just how the world works.”
    “But you can’t decide if you’re weak or strong, where’s the justice in that? How is that in anyway fair?”
    “Look, it’s not something that you could understand. But let me say this, the world is a lot more fair than you’d expect. You aren’t the only one who experiences pain. In fact everyone does but most people don’t show it. Your minds have become too twisted by the ways that people view this world when in fact everyone is completely wrong about how it works. Everything in this world is up to luck. Whether you’re weak or strong is just luck. I happen to be the strong and you happen to be the weak. We don’t have choice over much in this world. However, there are certain roles to fill and reasons for things to exist this way.”
    I start walking away. “Anyway, you don’t interest me anymore so I’m done with you.”
    I hear her just sitting there sobbing to herself.  I’ve probably made the worst day of many people’s lives. I wish I could feel guilty about it though, the world is poorly designed and my role is such a negative one. I just wish that I could at least tell them that it was going to be alright, or why I had to do it. But I can’t.
    I sit at my usual spot, drinking whatever it was that was in my glass and staring up into the beautiful night moon. It was a full moon, and it looked beautiful. However, it didn’t serve much purpose in this existence of ours, it just kind of exists. I hate this world, I hate the way it was made and the way things work out. I just wish I could be like the moon; just an observer with no real purpose who occasionally brings a glimpse of happiness to the people living in this cruel world.
    Tears start flowing down my cheek. I get doubts about my intentions and wonder if I am wrong to do all this. Am I really just a pervert who pretends to think he’s doing the right thing? If I’m completely wrong about this then I’ve just ruined many people’s lives. But I’ve gone too far. I can’t just stop where I am now. I made a commitment and now I’m going to have to live with it no matter the cost. I’m cursed to forever have to exist in this world of darkness and cruelty. I have to bear the burden of causing an infinite amount of pain to many different people, scarring some of them for life. I have made a huge impact on many people but it was in no way a good one.
    My next victim is a little stronger than my other ones. She fought back and kicked me a few times so I had to resort to violence to force her down. I knock her down and kick her a few times to make sure that she would stop resisting. I think I said a few things too but I don’t remember, and don’t want to because I’m scared to see how cruel and evil a person I am. She gave up resisting because she appeared to have run out of energy but she doesn’t stop cursing me and swearing at me. It was a very painful thing to be a part of but I stuck through it and got what I wanted out of it. I tossed her away and started walking away.
    I took a different route to normal; one with more shadows and with less chance of people going by. I occasionally take this route, but now I feel like I’m going to need it more and more. I’m becoming more aware of myself. It was such a simple minded situation between us back there in the ugliest of ways. I can only handle so much. I don’t deserve any sympathy for anything I do but I still feel a lot of pain for it. The worst kind of pain is the one you feel like you’re not allowed to have.
    I take this route to avoid everything and clear my head. Tears start flowing down my face and eventually I’m crying and sobbing like one of the weak pathetic people I’ve raped. I can’t stop though. My conscious can only take so much. My heart can only take so much.  I don’t know how long I can last in this lifestyle but it’s the one that I’ve chosen. There’s no turning back and there’s no forgiveness for what I’ve done, or at least not in this life time. I have my reasons for doing this but it doesn’t make it any easier. The fact is that people like me shouldn’t exist. In an ideal world they won’t but because this world is severely messed up people like me have to exist.
    I see another girl from the same school as the others. It’s late at night and dark out so it’s decided that she’s my next victim. I don’t know why they seem to always be out at this time or how I knew that this was the right place but it just kind of happened that way. I follow the usual routine. I sneak up on her from the shadows, prevent her from screaming and force her into a closed space. I push her up against the wall but then I hear something very familiar.
    “Don’t be a coward and face me while you torture me!” She said. Now what was strange was that she was a really shy, weak girl. It took all of her energy to even say that to me and she clearly wasn’t one to talk much. I don’t know why that seems to be a response but it doesn’t matter either way whether they’re facing me or not so I turn her around. But what I didn’t see coming was what happened next. After she turns around she looks at me with a different expression for a split second. It was the evil, insane look of a murderer, and before I realised it I found a knife in my stomach and blood pouring everywhere. She then goes back to her old self and screams in confusion, afraid and lost even more so than before. She runs away in any direction and I don’t see her again.
    I just crouch over in a lump and put my hand over my injury to stop the blood from coming out. I sit there for a moment in pain, wondering what I should do. In the end, my decision was laughter. I sit back and look up at the moon above me. I start laughing and find myself tearing up. It was a little relief to get injured like this. I felt like I was getting what I deserved but there was more to it than simply that. I realised something that brought a lot of happiness to me and made me feel like the struggle will soon be over.
    I go back and do my usual routine. I drink the last of my alcohol and end up falling asleep as the sun comes out. I fix my wound up a little and eventually find myself back in the creeping darkness surrounding an alleyway to find my victims. I feel a lot of pain in my side from my stab wound that had not yet healed but I kept going, knowing what I had to do. I brought the knife with me too. Even I don’t know what’s going to happen or if I’d use it.
    There she was; my final victim. It was the first girl to tell me to turn around. I think she probably had some connection to my last victim and might have even been responsible for what happened then. I don’t even try to sneak up on her. She wouldn’t fall for it twice and knew I was there. I slowly walked up to her and came into the light where she could finally see me.
    She looked at me with an expressionless face. She just walked into the darkness of the alleyways, away from the main path and I followed her. She walked through many places where I had raped people before. Memories come back of what I did to them and I try to push them all aside. I didn’t have time for pain or remorse. What’s done is done. But my heart wouldn’t let me. My eyes started tearing up again and I found myself in a weakened state. As I followed her I started sweating and getting out of breath because of my stab wound. The girl seemed to take me everywhere, to every single place that I had ruined someone’s life. I was walking behind her so she couldn’t see me crying but I was slowly losing all my strength as it went on.
    She even passed by where I was stabbed. She looked at the blood on the floor for a second but then ignored and moved on. She eventually ended up in the place where I took her after I chose her to be my victim. I had started slowing down and lagging behind so when she eventually turned around I was able to stay far enough away in the shadows for her not to be able to see my face and the mess I was in.
    “You’re a lot stronger than you were last time I saw you. I’m surprised you aren’t afraid or scarred from what happened.” I say hiding the pathetic state my face and heart was in.
    “Everyone’s weak at some point. You especially should know that.” She said. “Now first there’s one thing I want you to tell me, and that’s how you think this world works. It can take as long as you want but I have to hear this.”
    I look at the ground and start chuckling a little bit. “So you couldn’t help but be curious.  I almost wonder if you might actually be able to understand this concept.” I find a box or something and sit down. “In the end, we are all equal. The world is just complicated, we all have ups and downs but it always adds up to the same thing. Everyone experiences the same amount of pain. We all just experience them in different ways and at different times. The bad times make the other times better and the good times make the bad times worse. It all averages out. It’s simple math, but in a world too complicated to be able to calculate.”
    “Why did you do all of this then?” She said without hesitation or confusion.
    “People like me will always exist. Someone has to be there to take this role. If I don’t then it just means that someone else will. I happened to be one of the strong, who could physically take on a role like this. That part was just luck though. It may not look like it works that way but it’s impossible to truly see what affects what. This world is too complicated for people to be able to see a concept such as this one, but I can assure you that that’s how it works. Or at least, that’s what I’ve always believed.”
    “I must say that it is an interesting idea. I never thought someone would be able to think of themselves as the good guy by raping people. As I realised last time I’m still too young to know enough about these kinds of things so I have no reason to judge or condemn you for it. You did something different and showed me something new so for that I thank you.”
    I don’t know why I did it but I did. Apparently, some time while she was speaking I pulled out the knife in my pocket. Apparently, I suddenly lunged at her and cut her deeply. Apparently it was all my body could handle so I just collapsed after doing it. I realised what I did though, and it was my final act before leaving. Simply raping her wouldn’t have as much affect the second time. I can’t remember exactly what I did but all I know was that it would be permanent and something that she would have to live with for the rest of her life. She looked like a good kid. She looked like someone that I would have liked in a different lifetime.
    I was always a weak person on the inside. I guess that rape was something I could more or less put up with though. To me it just felt like something psychological that could be overcome. To do something physically to injure someone for life is what scared me the most. We have very little choices to begin with so rather than creating different ones it gets rid of most of them. That’s the difference between rape and violence. I never injured my victims no more than I had to. If I were to do something permanent to them it would be mental scarring. The thing that caused the biggest pain to me was only something that I could do before I was about to leave this place. And I did it to the most interesting person that I’d ever met before.
    As I lay on the ground next to her, slowly bleeding out as my wound reopened, I started crying once again. My heart couldn’t take it. It was something that I’d have to live with the rest of my life, the thing that I was always eternally scared of. It was always my weakness. I was never able to handle something like that. My heart was exploding. I just wanted to die and for it to end but the life was leaving me too slowly. I writhed around in pain on the ground, unsure of what to do. It was internally that I was in pain, and there was nothing I could do about it anymore. I was filled with frustration and anger as I had to put up with more life, unable to leave this evil world.
    How long do people live for? It was a question that seemed to interest me a while ago. But then I realised its significance as a factor. If we all experience the same amount of pain then how does the factor of the length of our lives come into play? Is it like a pain gauge, where if we experience a certain amount fate will take us away from this world? That’s what I thought which is why I knew my time had come. I knew from the moment that I got stabbed that my time was coming to an end.
    It was weird though. I was actually very young. In reality I could even still have been in school. I was always a tall and big person who looked a lot older than I was though. I guess I always just felt like I was as old as I looked. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t going to live in this life for very long, but I guess I kind of asked for it choosing a path like that. What I was surprised of most though is what the last thing I see is. It is a small notebook that I apparently kept with me all the time. Everything is written down about what it was like being in my shoes. Maybe there’s more purpose to my existence than I thought. I take the notebook and put it in the pocket of the girl as she lay there unconscious.
    My body stopped moving for good. All I could do now was look up at the beautiful moon before me. My pain and worries had gone away, that part was over. Now was just the peaceful transition to the next world.
    “And so I guess this is it then...”

Author's Note

This story is more of an experiment because I wanted to write about the kind of character that you wouldn't ever think of as a good person. People like that can have interesting philosophies, like serial killers for example. After reading it I want to know what you think of him, is he a good person or a bad one?
Also, let me know if it doesn't make sense :/