Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum... in Wonderland?

Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood, the two prettiest girls in fairyland, have been honoured as queens. When newcomer Alice arrives to challenge them, the pair come up with a slapstick plot!

Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum… in Wonderland?

By Todd Barty

 

(The setting is a bizarre wood. There are sections of castle walls with playing card motifs on them. The Narrators, odd woodland minstrels, emerge. Various necessary props may be already set.)

 

Narrators: Ladies and gentlemen, it is grand

         To welcome you all to Fairyland.

         To entertain you, we won’t fail,

         So sit back for our crazy tale.

         You recall two girls from the magical wood �"

         Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood.

 

(Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum enter.)

         Although they were pretty �" they’ll have you enthralled �"

         Goldilockpick �" is what Gold was called.

         And Little Red Riding Hoodlum, was the name,

         By which Little Red had found her fame.

         They’d both been bandits, but now Gold and Red �"

         Had found husbands, and been blissfully wed.

 

(The Knave of Hearts joins Goldilockpick and Little Boy Blue joins Little Red Riding Hoodlum.)

 

         The couples were happy �" their love was true.

         Gold with The Knave, and Red with Boy Blue.

 

(The Queen of Hearts and Prince Perfect enter. Perfect has two crowns on a cushion. The Queen places one on Gold’s head and one on Red’s.)

 

 

         And the Queen of Hearts made Gold the White Queen �"

         She was as joyful as she’d ever been!

         And The Red Queen, is what she called Little Red,

         And she warned them…

 

Queen of Hearts: Play nice, or it’s off with your head!

 

(The Queen and Perfect exit.)

 

Narrators: But of course Gold and Red, didn’t get along,

         And so the Queen’s plan was bound to go wrong.

 

Goldilocks: Of course, if I’m Queen, you would have to be too.

         No matter, I’ll be so much better than you.

 

Little Red: Gold, you should keep your mouth closed, alright,

        Unless you want to pick a fight.

 

Knave: Haha, Little Red, Gold will beat you with ease.

 

Little Boy: Oh shut up, silly Knave, you and Gold are both fleas!

 

Goldilocks: Alright, we’ll settle this with you �"

         You want to fight Red, and Little Boy Blue?

 

Little Red: Gold, I’m tired of hearing you speak �"

        We’ll beat you two any day of the week!

 

(The couples run at each other and a fight breaks out.)

 

Narrators: And then it was on, as it had been before �"

         Gold ran at Red and knocked her to the floor.

         The Knave and Boy Blue got into a tangle �"

         Boy Blue grabbed the Knave and started to strangle.

         Red got up and had a quick hunch �"

         And to Goldilocks she delivered a punch.

         The Knave broke free and pummelled Boy Blue �"

         The fight was getting wild �" it’s true.

         Then The Queen of Hearts burst onto the scene �"

         She had been forced to intervene.

 

Queen: You trouble-makers, desist and cease!

      How dare you four disturb the peace?

 

(The Queen enters and the couples stop fighting and step back from each other quickly.)

 

Goldilocks: The Knave and I were enjoying the day �"

         It was Red and Boy Blue who started the fray!

 

Red: Goldilocks, you’re such a liar �"

    You and The Knave started this fire!

 

Knave: We did not, but we could soon show you who’s boss!

 

Boy Blue: You want to fight us, it will be your loss!

 

Queen: If you two keep fighting, it will be at your peril �"

      As Queens, you must be civilised, and not feral!

      I wish that I had a third Queen to favour �"

      That might keep you two on your best behaviour!

 

Narrators: And just then, a girl with class

         Stepped in through the looking glass.

 

(Alice enters.)

 

         She said…

 

Alice: Hello, my name is Alice.

 

Narrators: And Red and Gold both looked with malice.

 

Queen: Gold and Red, do you not see �"

       How she curtseys when she greets me?

       I’m the Queen of Hearts, my dear.

       I own all the ways around here.

       Welcome, welcome to Fairyland �"

       A realm that is both vast and grand.

 

Alice: You’re a Queen, oh my, how thrilling!

     I’d love to be Queen, how fulfilling.

 

Queen: Just what you need, Gold and Red, competition �"

      Perhaps it might make you show contrition.

      This is Gold, The Knave, Little Red and Boy Blue �"

      Don’t believe a thing they tell you.

 

Narrators: Just then arrived the Queen’s favourite one �"

        Prince Perfect, The Queen of Hearts’s spoilt son.

 

(Prince Perfect enters.)

 

Queen: Alice, I’d like you to meet my boy �"

      Prince Perfect �" my pride and joy!

 

Alice: Dear Queen, how handsome your princely son looks �"

     Just like a hero one reads of in books!

 

Prince: Oh, Alice, you’re a fair one, oh brother!

      I must see this girl again, dear Mother.

 

Queen: Well she’s on her way to the eighth square,

      Where she’ll be a Queen, so we’ll see her there!

      Gold and Red, you can be on your way too �"

       Do not defy me �" I’m warning you!

       And if you don’t meet my approval �"

       I could always arrange for your removal!

 

Narrators: Then the Queen swept off, with the Prince in tow,

         And Gold and Red got the message to go.

 

(The Queen, Perfect, Gold, The Knave, Red and Boy Blue all exit.)

 

         Alice was left alone, but not fearing,

         When a Cheshire Cat came into the clearing.

 

(Cheshire Cat enters.)

 

Alice: A Cheshire Cat �" how beguiling.

    Tell me, Cat, why are you smiling.

 

Cat: Because of this strange traveller I’ve found,

    How exciting to have someone new around.

 

Alice: I’m Alice, and you’ll soon know about me �"

     I’m going to be Queen, you see.

     Queen of Fairyland? That’s so lame.

     Wonderland is a better name.

     I’ll be Queen, and when I’m at the helm,

     Wonderland will be the name of this realm.

    

Cat: Another Queen for our land, you don’t say?

   You’re off to the eighth square �" do you know the way?

 

Alice: Hmm… that could be where my plan unravels,

     I need some guidance on my travels.

 

Cat: Well this Fairyland is a great game of Chess �"

    And you must use caution to achieve success.

    Little Red is the Red Queen �" she’ll try to stop you �"

    Along with her husband �" Little Boy Blue.

    And beware The White Queen �" Goldilocks.

    If you don’t you’ll be in for some shocks.

 

Alice: That handsome Prince took a liking to me �"

     If you saw his face, I know you’d agree.

     I could beat those two girls, oh it would be such fun,

     If I married the Queen of Hearts’s son!

 

Cat: But you’ll have to get to the eighth square of the game

    If you’re to achieve such wealth and fame.

 

Alice: Well I could do with a guide �" are you free today?

 

Cat: I suppose I could lead you part of the way.

 

(Alice and Cheshire Cat exit.)

 

Narrator: So Alice had a journey that needed completing,

        Meanwhile, Gold and Red had an unusual meeting.

 

(Gold, The Knave, Red and Boy Blue enter.)

 

Little Red: Goldilocks, I don’t want to fight �"

        We need to have a talk, alright.

 

Goldilocks: Little Red, I do not see

         What you could have to say to me.

 

Little Red: We must discuss that Alice girl,

         That goodie-goodie makes me hurl,

         But she’ll be Queen, there’s no mistake,

         So you and I have plans to make.

 

Goldilocks: You’re right, her progress must be stalled �"

         Perhaps a short truce should be called.

         We’ll stop Alice from reaching the eighth square,

         Then get back to our battles �" that seems fair.

 

Boy Blue:  But how do we stop her in her tracks?

         Dump her in mud? Give her a few whacks?

 

Knave: The mud sounds like a good idea �"

      And the whacks would give her something to fear!

 

 

Little Red: I know, a tea party will settle this matter �"

        A delicious trap �" I’ll call The Mad Hatter!

        We’ll lure her in with delightful eating �"

        And then we’ll give that girl a beating!

 

 

Goldilocks: And if that doesn’t work, I’ll send The White Knight

         To bring her to me, and I’ll set things right.

         When we’ve finished with her, she’ll wish she was dreaming �"

         She’ll run right out of our Kingdom screaming!

 

Narrators: The four thieves gave a maniacal laugh �"

         Well, that wasn’t scary by half!

 

Little Red: But hurry, we’ve not a moment to spare �"

       That girl is headed for the eighth square!

 

Narrators: So the four went off with their terrible scheme

         To make a nightmare out of Alice’s dream.

 

 

         Meanwhile, Alice was on course for collision �"

         When she suddenly had to make a decision.

 

Alice: There’s a fork in the road �" which way should I go?

     Come on, you live here �" you ought to know.

 

Cat: Well, Alice, it depends you see �"

    You must decide where you want to be.

 

Alice: In the eighth square �" to be Queen of this place.

     You know that �" so wipe the smile off your face.

 

Cat: Well both roads will take you to square number eight �"

   You could take either path and still not be late �"

   But this square will take you to Red Riding Hood �"

   And this way to Goldilocks’s part of the wood.

  

   People might say those girls are bad �"

   But in truth they’re completely mad.

 

Alice: They’re both quite nutty? Oh, what a pain!

     Isn’t there anyone here who is sane?

 

Cat: I’m afraid you’re out of luck, Alice, dear �"

    I’m mad, you’re mad, we’re all mad here!

 

Alice: Well, there’s no point in standing here talking �"

     I’ll see Little Red �" I’d better get walking.

 

Narrator: So Alice went off �" she has finished deciding �"

       And then Boy Blue came out of hiding.

 

Boy Blue: Thank you, Cat. How helpful you’ve been

        In stopping Alice from becoming Queen.

 

Cat: I didn’t help �" I’m not so involved �"

   It’s you who’ll get this problem solved.

   But that girl, it’s true, is too ambitious.

 

Boy Blue: You’ll find our plan for her delicious.

 

Cat: Don’t underestimate Alice �" don’t dare.

    She’s smarter than you think �" take care.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been asked to send you word �"

    Gran Hood has new treasure, have you heard?

    The old Duchess wants you to pay a call �"

    To take the loot and hide it all.

 

Boy Blue: New loot? That needs my urgent attention.

 

Cat: Yes, I thought it was worth a mention.

 

Boy Blue: Thanks, Cat �" and farewell!

 

Narrators: Boy Blue cried.

         And the cat went off �" he heaved and he sighed.

         And then out came Goldilocks, and The Knave �"

         They’d been listening too �" and Gold’s plan was grave.

 

Goldilocks: Did you hear that, Knave? New treasure, they’ve got.

         It’s just not fair, I want the lot!

 

Knave: But we haven’t got time to steal from Red’s Gran �"

      We must stop Alice. We’ve got a plan.

 

Goldilocks: Well Alice has made her selection �"

         And chose to go in Red’s direction.

         At that party, without a doubt,

         Red will try to sort her out,

         But just to make sure, go take a look �"

         And that will get me off the hook.

         While you’re in Little Red’s part of the wood

         I’ll steal the treasure from Granny Hood!

 

Knave: What a plan �" dastardly, sickly!

 

Goldilocks: So come on Knave, let’s get to it �" quickly!

 

Narrators: So The Knave went to watch Little Red’s plan unfold,

         And Goldilocks went to steal Granny’s gold.

         So now we go to Red’s tea party �"

         Where Alice arrived, thinking she was a smartie.

         There was Red, Mad Hatter and White Rabbit �"

         Enjoying their tea - a regular habit.

         Alice noticed a spare seat,

         And sat down to have something to eat.

         The Hatter looked at her with a frown

         And screamed…

 

Hatter: No room! You can’t sit down!

 

Alice: Well, how rude!

 

Hatter: No, not one bit.

 

Rabbit: You’re rude, you’ve not been asked to sit.

 

Little Red: Now boys, we won’t stand on ceremony �"

        Alice, come sit and join us for tea.

 

Alice: Alright, Red, but only briefly �"

     I must get to the eighth square, chiefly.

 

Little Red: That’s right �" you’re going to be Queen too.

        Another Queen �" I’ll be friends with you!

 

 

 Rabbit: Alice, dear, would you like some wine?

 

Alice: There isn’t any.

 

Rabbit: Oh, how shall we dine?

 

Hatter: Riddle me this, you little maven �"

      Why is a writing desk like a raven?

 

Alice: That’s an answer I think I can guess…

 

Hatter: You have an answer? Tell us �" profess!

 

Rabbit: This girl will cause a revolution!

 

Little Red: Alice, my dear, what is the solution?

 

Alice: Hmm... I haven’t got it, I fear.

     What is it?

 

Hatter: I’ve got no idea!

 

Alice: How stupid �" I’m stuck in the middle

     Of fools who can’t tell a proper riddle.

     I think that your wits are too slow paced,

     And that you’ve too much time to waste!

 

Hatter: Oh! How horrid! Such a crime �"

       To talk that way about poor old time.

      

       Time is not a mere thing �" time’s a ‘he’.

       Time used to be very good friends with me.

       How famously time and I once got along �"

       Until The Queen of Hearts made me sing that song.

       It went “Twinkle, twinkle Little Bat �"

       How I wonder where you’re at.

       Up above the world so high �"

       Like a tea tray in the sky.

       Twinkle, twinkle Little Bat �"

       How I wonder where you’re at.”

       The Queen cried “He’s killing the time �" off with his head!”

       And needless to say, I hurriedly fled.

       But my friendship with time was broken �"

       Ever since then, we haven’t spoken.

 

Alice: Time is a he? That’s absurd �"

     The silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

     I have to listen to nonsense, I see,

     Just to have some cake and tea.

 

Little Red: If it’s cake and tea this rude girl would prefer

        I suppose we’d better give it to her!

 

 

Narrator: Then Hatter, White Rabbit and Red Riding Hood

        Surrounded Alice �" things didn’t look good.

 

Little Red: What a foolish thing you planned �"

        To come into our Fairyland.

Narrator: All three of them looked quite unstable -

        They pinned poor Alice to the table!

        Into her mouth they stuck a funnel,  

        And then poured cold tea…

 

Little Red: Down the tunnel!

 

Narrator: They smothered her with tea and cake.

        And it was more than she could take.

        Gathering up all her might,

        She broke free and began to fight.

        A quick whack right across the face

        Put the Hatter in his place.

        She turned, and with a flick of hair,

        She fixed Red with a steely stare.

 

Alice: Little Red, you made a mistake,

     Attacking me with tea and cake.

     I’ll soon be Wonderland’s new Queen �"

     The finest one it’s ever seen.

 

Little Red: You’ll never be a Queen like me �"

        I’ll put your face back in that tea!

        You leave this Fairyland alone,

        Don’t think of sitting on a throne.

 

Alice: Oh, I’ll be Queen, you silly cow �"

     But first, I’ll deal with you �" right now!

 

 

Narrator: Then Alice charged at Little Red,

       Who swiftly hit her in the head.

       But Alice just would not give up,

       And dipped Red’s face in a tea cup.

       Alice continued her vengeful bent,

       And into the sponge cake Red’s face went.

       Little Red, turned and roared,

       The two girls kicked, and hit and clawed.

       Red thought that she had won, once more,

       But Alice knocked her out �" on the forest floor.

       The Rabbit trembled in the corner,

       Looking like a scared Jack Horner.

 

White Rabbit: Lovely girl, how well you fight �"

           Of course, I know it wasn’t right

           To attack a guest, with cake and tea,

           But she made me do it, don’t blame me!

 

Alice: You miserable coward…

 

White Rabbit: I’m a nervous wreck!

 

Alice: You’re in this mischief up to your neck.

     Now Rabbit, this won’t need repeating,

     I’m going to give you a beating!

 

Narrator: But the Rabbit, he flew off in terror �"

        And Alice followed, to correct his error!

        The Knave had seen Red lose the bout.

 

Knave: I must follow her �" it’s time to sneak out!

 

Narrators: The Hatter, who had watched the scene,

        Went and woke up the Red Queen.

 

 

Hatter: Queenie, Your Madge, Queen Red �" wake up!

      Come and look what’s by your cup…

 

Little Red: Don’t coddle me, I’m not defenceless �"

        I’m going to beat that Alice senseless!

 

Hatter: She’s gone, I’m afraid, you lost the fight �"

      Though watching it was a delight.

      Hilarious �" messy, slappy �"

      But I have something to make you happy.

 

Little Red: I’m in no mood for nonsense, Hatter �"

 

Hatter: But, Queenie, please, consider this matter…

      Up here, right where he was drinking tea,

      The White Rabbit has left his key.

 

Little Red: His key?

 

Hatter: To his house, full of riches untold �"

      From the Queen of Hearts �" gifts of gold,

      Gifts of silver, and, from Zanzibar,

      Linens that came from the chicest bazaar!

 

Little Red: Hmm, well, alright, give it here �"

        I need something to restore my cheer.

        But, I can’t go there, though it’s what I’d prefer �"

        I must find Alice, and deal with her.

 

 

Hatter: Well, she chased the Rabbit, who escaped by a hair,

      So my guess is she’ll end up there.

 

Little Red: Aha, then it’s settled! So off I go �"

        I’ll get those riches and beat Alice, you know!

 

Narrators: So Red went off, to win the day �"

         Get the loot, and make Alice pay.

         Now speaking of loot, and Red Riding Hood,

         We go to another part of the wood.

         Red’s old Gran, a Duchess, was taking her leisure,

         Delightedly counting out her new treasure,

         When Goldilocks, that sweet, pretty brute,

         Snuck up to the house to steal her loot.

 

Goldilocks: That old bat shouldn’t be too much trouble,

         I’ll get the loot and be out on the double.

         Hello, Granny Hood, or Duchess, I hear,

         It’s time to part with that treasure, my dear.

 

Duchess: Goldilocks, how do you dare

        To enter here, into my lair?

 

Goldilocks: Oh, give up Grandma, what will you do?

         Little Red isn’t here to save you.

 

Duchess: But I’m not alone here, you little brat, look!

 

Narrator: Then in from the kitchen came the fearsome old cook.

 

Cook: Goldilocks, you little pest,

     You dare disturb my lady’s rest?

    

     Well, your mistake is very grave �"

     I’ve medicine to make you behave!

 

Goldilocks: Stay back, you two horrid old hags �"

         Just put the treasure in the bags.

 

Duchess: Oh, Gold, it’s not your lucky day…

 

Narrator: For Little Boy Blue was on his way.

       He’d come to take the loot to a safe place �"

       And now he met Gold �" face to face.

 

Boy Blue: Well, Goldilocks, you surprise me, well met!

        Coming here is something you’ll regret.

 

Goldilocks: Don’t come near, I warn you three!

         What do you think you could do to me?

 

Duchess: We’re going to teach you a lesson, my dear.

       You two, grab this girl, and bring her right here!

 

Narrator: Boy Blue went to capture Goldilockpick,

        But she met his advance with a well-aimed kick.

        They scuffled, but she knocked him down �"

        Making Boy Blue look like a clown.

        The Cook jumped in, with a cooking pot,

        But a stealthy fighter, she was not.

       Goldilocks turned Cook’s pot around,

      And grabbed it, and knocked Cook to the ground.

 

Goldilocks: And now Gran, I shall take your treasure �"

         And teach you the lesson, it will be a pleasure.

 

Narrator: Then Gran swung at Gold with her walking stick,

        But Goldilocks, disarmed her quick.

        The keen old lady was struck dumb

        As Goldilocks gave her a whack on the bum!

 

Cook: How dare you hit my lady’s posterior?

 

Boy Blue: Now we’ll teach you who’s inferior!

 

Narrator: The Cook attacked Goldilocks with a broom,

        And Boy Blue swung her about the room.

        Goldilocks was feeling groggy,

        Her surroundings now looked quite foggy.

        Cook threw the girl across Gran’s knee �"

        And Gran spanked Goldilocks…

 

Duchess: One, two, three!

 

Narrators: Boy Blue gave Gold a last kick in the rear,

         And shouted…

 

Boy Blue: Now, get out of here!

 

Narrators: Goldilocks didn’t need telling twice,

        She ran away �" to sit in some ice.

 

Duchess: Well that is a lesson Gold won’t soon forget,

       But our business isn’t over yet.

       We must get this loot to a safe hideaway �"

       But first, let’s go toast our victory today!

 

Narrator: So Gran, her Cook and Little Boy Blue,

        Went off to have a beverage or two.

        But what about Alice, where could she be?

        About to meet the Tweedles �" both Dum and Dee.

 

Tweedledum: If you think we’re waxworks, you ought to pay!

 

Tweedledee: Otherwise, you should say ‘Good Day’!

 

Alice: Curious, what strange creatures,

     With funny looks and grotesque features.

 

Tweedledum: Get out of here now, or pay your money!

           Stop standing there and looking funny.

 

Alice: To talk to such horrors, I wouldn’t care �"

     But I need your directions to the eighth square.

 

Tweedledum: Nohow! We won’t help you. So long!

 

Tweedledee: Contrarywise, you have started all wrong!

 

Alice: But I must get there, it’s where the Queen sits,

     What do you want, you rude little twits?

 

 

Tweedledee: Well, when you have an acquaintance to make…

 

Tweedledum: You extend your hand, to give their’s a shake.

 

Narrators: And then the Tweedles cried…

 

Tweedledum and Tweedledee: Tricked you!

 

Narrators: The pair spun Alice round and round,

         And then let go �" throwing her to the ground.

         Alice tried to fight back, so,

         The Tweedles threw her to and fro.

         They used her to play tug-of-war,

         Until Alice could take no more.

         To each of them, she delivered a smack �"

         But they flipped her over, with a whack!

 

Alice: This must be a terrible dream!

 

Narrators: And the Tweedles said…

 

Twedledum and Tweedledee: Let’s throw her in the stream!

 

Narrators: As they went to carry Alice away,

        The White Knight arrived, to save the day.

 

Knight: Unhand that girl �" you strange young tykes,

      And get away �" get on your bikes!

 

Narrators: The Knight frowned at the two, and stared �"

        And then they ran away, quite scared.

 

Alice: Well thank you for getting me out of that mess �"

     I guess you save damsels in distress.

 

Knight: Yes, that’s part of my job it’s true �"

      But my Queen has asked to see you.

 

Alice: The White Queen, Goldilocks, is that who you mean?

     I politely decline �" I’m avoiding that Queen.

 

Knight: I’m afraid my dear that you don’t have a choice,

      Now come along quietly, and don’t raise your voice.

 

Narrators: Alice fought, but the Knight said �"

 

Knight: Enough!

 

Narrators: And carried her off �" that Knight was too tough!

         Meanwhile, at White Rabbit’s house,

         Little Red broke in, that horrid louse!

 

Little Red: There’s treasure to be had, my word!

 

Narrators: But White Rabbit’s Housekeeper had seen and heard.

         Mrs. Dodo had seen Red doing wrong,

         But then White Rabbit came running along.

 

 

 

Dodo: Mr. Rabbit, there’s something that you need to hear!

 

Rabbit: Not now, I’m being pursued my dear!

 

Narrators: But it wasn’t Alice who was doing the chasing,

         It was The Knave Rabbit found himself facing.

 

Knave: Rabbit, I’m sorry to give you a scare,

      But have you seen Alice anywhere.

 

Rabbit: I thought she was just behind me,

      She’s very cross �" don’t let her find me!

 

Knave: Well, that brings my chase to a halt �"

      It’s seems we’ve both lost the little dolt!

 

Dodo: But as I was saying, you need to attend �"

     To your house �" you must defend �"

     All your trinkets �" for I espied

     Little Red, she is inside.

 

Rabbit: Inside my house, you mean she’s robbing?

      Oh, dear me, I feel like sobbing!

 

Knave: Little Red, that awful cheat �"

      Don’t worry, she’s one we’ll beat.

      She couldn’t beat Alice �" and that was her job �"

      And now she has decided to rob.

 

Rabbit: I thought she was my friend, dear sir.

 

Knave: Don’t worry, there’s three of us, one of her.

      Little Red, we’ve got you surrounded �"

      We’ve won, you are completely confounded.

 

Narrators: They entered the house �" The Knave went ahead �"

         And came face to face with Little Red.

 

Little Red: Dear Knave, I can pummel Goldilockpick �"

         So you can bet my beating of you will be quick.

 

Knave: I wouldn’t be so sure about that �"

      You are about to lose this spat!

 

Narrators: The Knave moved to grapple Little Red �"

         But the clever girl butted him with her head.

         She grabbed the poor Knave by the ear

         And lifted him in the air, poor dear!

         Mrs. Dodo came to assist,

         And Little Red just couldn’t resist.

         She threw The Knave - what could be cheaper?

         And used him to knock down the poor housekeeper.

 

Rabbit: Little Red, we’ve shared cake and tea!

      How could you turn and steal from me?

 

Narrators: Then Rabbit tried to hit Red with a rake �"

         Clearly this was a bad mistake.

         Little Red seized the rake �" just like that �"

         And used it to give her opponents a bat.

 

Little Red: I can beat you three with ease!

         You see, I can take what I please!

 

Narrators: Red swung the rake, and begged no pardon,

         And chased her three foes into the garden,

         But as she swung for The Knave once more

         He grabbed the rake, and threw her to the floor.

         The Rabbit grabbed Red �" she struggled and slipped.

         The Dodo tripped her, and over she flipped.

         Red staggered backwards �" knowing she was alive �"

         And her bum landed right on Rabbit’s beehive!

         A sting in her bottom �" Red could feel,

         And so she gave a terrible squeal.

        

Knave: That looks like it really hurts!

 

Narrators: Then Red jumped up and shook her skirts.

         Around White Rabbit’s garden she danced.

 

Little Red: I’ve got bees in my underpants!

 

Narrators: Then Little Red ran away with a wail,

         To try to get the bees off her tail.

         So now we go to the castle of Gold,

         Where the Knight, who thought he was bold,

         Arrived with his new captive, Alice,

         Who was not keen to see Goldilocks’s palace.

 

White Night: Your Majesty, White Queen, Fair Beauty,

           I’ve brought you Alice, I’ve done my duty.

Narrators: Gold had recovered from her encounter with Gran,

         And now she was ready to finish her plan.

 

Goldilocks: Alice, my captive at last �" this is good!

         It couldn’t be left up to Red Riding Hood.

         Do you think you’ll make it to the eighth square?

 

Alice: Surely, Gold, darling, I’m just about there.

 

Goldilocks: This Chess game is one that you won’t be playing.

          Fairyland isn’t a place you’ll be staying.

 

Alice: I’m going to be Queen, and you are all fools!

     I’ll soon be the one who is making the rules.

 

Goildilocks: I warn you Alice, I’m not to be crossed.

         Go back through that looking glass and get lost!

 

Narrators: Then Alice broke free of The White Knight’s grip �"

     She charged at Gold and the two girls let rip.

     Gold caught Alice and gave her a whack �"

     And Alice fell to the floor with a smack.

     Gold thought this would be a breeze,

     But she wouldn’t beat Alice with such ease.

     Alice got up off the floor

     And gave Gold a slapping that made her sore.

     The White Knight gave a worried yelp,

     And decided he should run for help.

     Alice and Gold exchanged a few blows,

     And Goldilocks stood on Alice’s toes.

       This hurt Alice a large amount,

       So she knocked Goldilocks out for the count.

 

Alice: Well, now �" I must be off to the eighth square �"

     To be made Queen �" I’ll see you there!

 

Narrators: And then The Knave of Hearts came back.

         The Knight had told of Alice’s attack.

 

Knight: This way, quickly, the fight was in here!

 

Knave: What has she done to you Goldilocks, dear?

 

Goldilocks: She’s gone? Oh, drat �" that means I lost!

 

Knave: Well, you’re someone she shouldn’t have crossed.

      That Alice has my consternation �"

      Let’s hurry �" we’ll spoil her coronation!

 

Narrators: And off they went �" Goldilocks had survived.

        Meanwhile, in the eighth square, Alice arrived.

 

Cat: Here we are Alice, in the eighth square.

    You’ve done it �" you’ve won! You’ve arrived and you’re there!

 

Alice: Wonderland �" will be this place’s name �"

     And I’ll be High Queen, with wealth and fame!

 

Cat: The Queen of Hearts might say something to that.

 

Alice: Oh, don’t you see, you silly Cat?

     That Queen of Hearts is on her way out �"

     I’ll soon be what it’s all about.

     I’ll marry the Prince, do you understand,

     Then I’ll be Queen of all Wonderland!

     I’ll soon put Gold and Red in their places �"

     Those two won’t be game to show their faces!

 

Narrators: And then the Queen of Hearts came to greet

        Alice, who looked very sweet.

        Prince Perfect was also there.

 

Prince: Alice! Oh, you are so fair!

 

Alice: Your Majesty, and my Prince, how delightful!

     My journey here was simply frightful.

     I was waylaid by Red and Goldilockpick.

 

Prince: Did they hurt you? Oh Mummy, those girls make me sick!

 

Queen: Those two just can’t keep their noses clean!

 

Alice: Don’t worry, I bested them both dear Queen.

 

Queen: What a good start to your reign!

      Now, we must begin the preparation

      For your forthcoming coronation!

 

Alice: My coronation, that’s exciting �"

     A fit reward for all that fighting.

     Although, I’m missing one small thing �"

     I’m sure a Queen should have a King….

 

Prince: Oh yes, you’re right �" and I must be brave �"

      The only way for a King to behave.

      I’ve adored you, Alice, loved �" I suppose,

      From the moment I saw you �" so I’m going to propose!

 

Queen: My son and Alice �" oh, how sweet!

      A couple that no one could beat.

      If you marry my son, Alice, you understand,

      One day you’ll be High Queen of Fairyland.

 

Prince: So Alice, will you marry me?

 

Alice: Of course Prince Perfect, I agree!

 

Narrators: Just then in came Gold, The Knave, Red and Boy Blue �"

        None of them looked very happy, it’s true.

 

Little Red: The silliest sight I’ve ever seen �"

         You have to know things to be Queen!

         Like can you divide a loaf by a knife?

 

Boy Blue: Yes, that’s a good one, that’s got her, dear wife!

 

Goldilocks: And can you subtract a dog from a bone.

 

Knave: You have to know that to sit on a throne!

 

Alice: Well, look, if it isn’t the girls that I’ve bested.

 

Queen: My patience has been sorely tested �"

      But you four fools are much too late.

      Alice will be Queen today.

      Now come, my dear, let us be away.

      We have to go and get you dressed.

 

Cat: I’ve made something special �" it’s my best.

   A dress that is so extremely sublime

   That today will be remembered for all time!

 

Prince: Yes, lets away, my sweet, darling bride �"

      And leave these four horrors standing outside.

 

 

Narrators: And so Alice went in with the Prince and The Queen �"

         Leaving Gold and Red looking green.

 

Cat: So it seems that in spite of the weather

    The four of you can’t work together.

    And now look where you have been brought.

    How silly each one of you has been.

    Well, now you’ll see Alice be made Queen.

 

Narrators: And with that, The Cat disappeared.

         The four thieves looked at each other and sneered.

 

Goldilocks: He’s right �" Little Red, this is all your fault!

         You were supposed to stop her, you dolt!

 

Little Red: My fault? I’m lucky to be alive �"

         The Knave made me fall on a beehive!

 

Boy Blue: My poor Red, this is a disgrace.

        Knave �" I’ll punch you in the face!

 

Goldilocks: You’re guilty too, Boy Blue, my dear �"

         You and the Duchess whacked me in the rear!

 

Knave: Well, that does it �" you two really blew it!

      We’ll pay you back. Let’s get to it!

 

Narrators: So the four went to battle �" they had not learned a thing.

         Boy Blue chased the Knave into the west wing.

         Gold chased Red in the other direction

        And the guests arrived, an esteemed selection

        Of luminaries from all around

        Who had come to see Queen Alice be crowned.

 

Hatter: What an event �" a dizzying whirl!

 

Rabbit: Well, I don’t like this Alice girl �"

      She can beat Goldilocks and Little Red.

 

Hatter: But I haven’t heard her say ‘Off with your head!’

 

Duchess: She’s a favourite of the High Queen �" that’s suspicious.

        Oh look, the Queen’s made her tarts, how delicious.

        Leave it to the Queen of Hearts

        To show off with her lovely tarts.

 

Narrators: Then the guests all stepped aside

         As the Queen emerged, beaming with pride.

         Alice followed, with a haughty air �"

         And the Prince beside her �" what a pair.

         The Cheshire Cat joined the crowd �"

         And the Queen of Hearts said aloud…

 

Queen: Silence all, quiet, I demand �"

      I present a new Queen for Fairyland.

      Defer to Alice �" your new Queen �"

      And do not make me vent my spleen!

 

Narrators: The assembled guests all now bowed low �"

         Not sincerely �" just for show,

       While Alice, in her gorgeous gown �"

       Smirked and thought

 

Alice: I own this town.

 

Queen: Now, on this joyous, happy day,

      My son, Prince Perfect, has something to say.

 

Prince: Queen Alice is to be my wife,

      The two of us will be joined for life.

      Isn’t that right my turtle dove?

 

Alice: Yes it is indeed, my love.

     Oh won’t it be a merry thing �"

     We two shall be your Queen and King!

     

Narrator: But then, came a noise, and a horrid scene �"

        Disrupted the crowning of the new Queen.

        Boy Blue and The Knave burst in, being rough �"

        Still fighting, though both boys were well out of puff.

 

Queen: Grab those idiots and hold them still!

      How dare you two defy my will?

 

Alice: When I’m the Queen, you’ll both regret it!

     I’ll make you scrub my palace floors, get it?

 

Narrator: Then in came Gold and Red Riding Hood �"

      And their condition wasn’t good.

      They were a mess, their outfits torn �"

      The fight had left them looking worn.      

 

Alice: And look, it’s Gold and Little Red �"

     Each one with no brains in her head.

     When I step into the royal shoes �"

     I’ll make sure you two are cleaning loos.

     Did you all hear, I’m Queen, so you see…

     All of you will be ruled by me!

 

Narrator: Then Gold and Red charged �" Gold gave Alice a clout,

        Red kicked her behind and they flung her about.

       The Queen of Hearts’s face went quite red,

        And she cried…

 

Queen: Off with her head! Off with her head!

 

Narrator: But the girls ignored her �" and up jumped the Prince �"

        The fight was more than making him wince.

 

Prince: You leave my pretty bride alone �"

      And let her gracefully take her throne.

      If you don’t listen and stop your attack �"

      Mummy and I will pay you back!

 

Narrators: Then Boy Blue and The Knave broke free

         And rushed the Prince.

 

Prince: Please don’t hit me!

 

 

Narrators: But they splattered Perfect with the tarts

        Made by his Mum, the Queen of Hearts.

        The Prince tried to make a hasty retreat �"

        But the boys pulled his trousers, down to his feet!

        The crowd was laughing, Perfect squealed….

 

Prince: My royal underpants �" revealed!

 

Narrators: This turn of events had embarrassed the toff

         And The Queen cried…

 

Queen: Someone �" cut their heads off!

 

Narrator: Then Gold pied Alice, and Alice pied Red,

        And Red put at a tart on Goldilocks’s head.

        Then Red pied Alice, and Alice pied Gold,

        For the Queen, this was getting old �"

        She screamed again…

 

Queen: Off with her head!

 

Alice: Dear Queen, I’ll handle this instead!

 

Cat: Be careful of your gown, Alice dear!

    You’re going to ruin it, I fear.

    It is the greatest work of mine �"

    And the stitching’s very fine.

 

Narrators: Gold took notice, and Red did too �"

         The Cat had given them a clue.

         They ran at Alice, and seized her dress,

         Then ripped it off, to her distress.

         Queen Alice was left standing there

         In just her frilly underwear.

         Alice cringed, but couldn’t hide �"

         With laughing faces on each side.

 

Hatter: Presenting the knickers of our new queen �"

       The finest undies you’ve ever seen!

        

Narrators: Once more the Queen cried…

 

Queen: Off with your head!

 

Duchess: Oh, shut up we’ve heard what you said!

        Do you think that we want to sit here all day �"

        Listening to you holler away.

 

Narrator: Then the Duchess took a tart from its place

        And put it in the Queen of Hearts’s face!

        The Queen pied Gran-Duchess �" then ran off in fear.

 

Duchess: I’m going to put my boot in your rear!

 

Narrators: Then Gran chased The Queen off down the hall �"

         And Alice decided to leave them all.

 

Alice: I’m getting out, Prince Perfect, dear �"

     I just can’t stay, they’re too mad here.

 

Prince: But you were going to be my wife �"

      Joined as King and Queen for life.

 

Alice: Oh, Prince Perfect, how can I rule?

     They’ve all seen me in my undies, you fool!

 

Narrators: And Red called…

 

Little Red: Let’s use up our last reserves!

 

Goldilocks: Let’s give this Queen the send-off she deserves!

 

Narrators: Everybody played their parts �"

         Splattering Alice and Perfect with tarts.

         Alice cried…

 

Alice: I’m out of here!

 

Narrators: The Prince gave chase…

 

Prince: Come back, my dear!

 

Goldilocks: Well, that’s her dealt with, now what do we do?

 

Little Red: Well, I hadn’t finished my fight with you.

 

Boy Blue: Yes, we must beat The Knave and Goldilocks.

 

Knave: Come on then �" we’ll knock off your socks!

 

Narrators: Then as the palace guests cheered and clapped

         The four combatants kicked and slapped.

        None of them seemed too annoyed �"

        It seemed to be what they enjoyed.

        The loved to battle, a large amount.

        The boys knocked each other out for the count!

        The girls continued to swing and clout �"

        And now it’s time for us to punch out!

        

Author's Note

Let me know what you think of the story itself first, and then the rhyme. Any feedback welcome, of course. Would it make a good film? Would I have to do prose instead of rhyme for that?